Scarleteen

Hi! My friend is in a bad situation, and I don’t know how to help her. She’s 17 and she met a 29 year-old (who will be 30 next week) about a month ago. Of course, that’s not appropriate–which she acknowledges, but can’t seem to really accept. Also, he takes some hard drugs, which is it’s own situation. He says he’s sober with her, but then says that he gets so sad whenever she leaves that he has to get high. My friend is smart, and she’s recognized that that’s an unreasonable amount of responsibility and pressure on her, but the fact that she logically knows all of these things isn’t really changing anything. They talk every day and see each other a couple times a week, and this is a really bad situation, and I don’t know how to get her out of it. To be honest, he doesn’t act in a creepy way and he’s very normal, but he’s clearly not normal, and he’s attracted to a 17-year-old what the fuck!! And he seems to be fine with the fact that he’s met many of her 17 year-old friends, and that his own 29 year-old friends know that he’s hooking up with a 17-year old. Beyond it being gross, it’s just not safe. They’ve gone on hikes together, and she’s gone to his house. I’m seriously concerned.

Hi there, ariake, and welcome to the boards. It sounds like your friend has a very good friend in you. <3

It certainly sounds like the person your friend is dating someone who doesn't sound like a healthy person for anyone right now, no matter their age. It's not unusual for older people to be attracted to younger people, so to me the attraction isn't the concerning part, it's what this guy is choosing to do with it. Choosing to get romantically and sexually involved with a minor over ten years your junior, especially when you know you have a substance abuse issue to contend with -- and doing manipulative and controlling things like telling that person that you get high only when they leave -- is where I see a real issue.

He doesn't have to act creepy for this to be an unhealthy relationship, which it sounds like it is. I'd also assume that your friend probably isn't telling you the worst of it, because that tends to be how it goes when we're in something bad.

I wonder if you might make some headway with your friend by talking to her about this as being unhealthy rather than by talking about it being inappropriate and gross. Because the fact is that even if he wasn't an older person, it sounds like there are dynamics in here that still wouldn't be healthy, like emotionally blackmailing someone, effectively, to be with you because you're told them that you'll self-harm (by doing hard drugs) if they aren't with you.

Over the last couple decades, we've also had some people report success for themselves or others in relationships with older men as a young person by reading or sharing this piece of mine: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/abuse/w ... -boyfriend

Can I also ask you some more about your friend? Has she had other romantic or sexual relationships besides this one? If so, how were those? What's her self-esteem like on the whole? What's her family system like? How did she meet this guy?