Scarleteen

Hello !

So, for the past few years I noticed that whenever I hang out with a guy (be it a "date" or not... but seriously, I still can't tell the difference between a date and a regular hangout) I get this sort of "ick". It's an uncomfortable feeling and it drains me.
I also get this ick often when I think a guy has a crush on me, or whenever he confesses to me.
And even the thought of concretely being in a romantic relationship with a cisgender guy in the near future, makes me feel that unease. I've always had the sensation that being with a guy would have to make me repress myself in a way. I don't really know how to explain it, but I feel like I have some sort of potential that would just go to waste when I'm in a M/F relationship. Being "too good for a man", basically, but that just sounds like I'm being an egocentric diva. Still that's how I feel.

I don't know what's caused this: it could be leftover trauma from this childhood friend whom I've had a complicated relationship with, he used to mock my style and always curbed my enthusiasm (in middle school we shared an interest in a web series, but I got hyperfixated on it and used to talk to him about it often, and at a certain point he said "you're ruining it for me")
It could also be social conditioning, lately there's this widespread sentiment among women who date men, who feel ashamed about it. And this goes for queer circles as well: sapphics who either struggle with comphet or also feel ashamed about liking men and go on about how women are better in every way. And I've been feeling that way too.

So is it okay if I keep saying that I don't want to date men? (thing is, it's also been quite a while since I had a crush on anybody of any gender)
Or is this feeling something I should look into and fix? By the way sorry if I wasn't clear in explaining myself.

Hi Lyle Lanley !

I want to start by saying that there is nothing to fix about your feelings. You may feel conflicted or confused about the things you feel but I assure you there is no need to try and change them.

It sounds like you do not desire a relationship with men, at least in a romantic sense. The reason why is not really a huge deal! I do understand the stress that can come when your identity or worldview is changed through discovers like this, but I also think that it can also have very little impact on the way you see your life, future, or identity. Happy to talk through either if they resonate.

What makes you stressed about the idea of never dating a man? Is this a more recent feeling or something you are discovering has existed for a long time?

Hi Amber and thank you so much for this answer !

I've had this for at least five years now, but I only recently started to sit with it and reflect about it.
What frustrates me more isn't that I feel this in and of itself.
It's more the fact that I don't know why I'm like this, and that it's hard to explain how I feel, both to myself and to others.
And this is not even a rational response I have, it's more akin to a gut feeling. Foreseeing myself in a M/F relationship fills me with dread, for the reasons I listed in the first post. But when I explain it to other people they just look at me weird.

So if this feeling isn't something I must fix (and reading that already made me feel so much better), I would like to at least comprehend it more.

Hi there, Lyle Lanley! I'm glad you're feeling better about all this!

I can assure you that we are not looking at you weird for how you feel--it actually makes a lot of sense. You say you find it hard to explain why you feel the way you do, but it looks to me like you've already touched on some very plausible causes: your experiences with your childhood friend, the sense that you would have to repress yourself to be in a relationship with a guy, and hearing sentiments from other people who have looked at the state of gender relations under patriarchy, and come to the same conclusion that you have.

When other people look at you weird, I think that has less to do with you not explaining yourself well, and more to do with them believing that it isn't okay to not want to date men, or something along those lines.

For us to make progress around gender, we do have to recognize that men are people like all others, and that it is possible to be supported, fulfilled, and happy in a relationship with one. We have to keep our eyes open to the possibilities, and welcome men who want liberation from terrible gender norms. That doesn't mean you have to want to be in a relationship with a man yourself. Technically being able to feel attracted to men does not mean you have to date them when the thought fills you with dread. One day, if the conditions that cause your discomfort change, you views on being with a guy might change as well. But for now, you can respect how you feel and not have romantic relationships with them.

How does that sound to you?

Hi Latha, thanks for this answer

that has less to do with you not explaining yourself well, and more to do with them believing that it isn't okay to not want to date men, or something along those lines.

That makes sense; the specific instances where I felt judged was with some more heteronormative people. I now realise I never really talked about it with fellow queer friends, they might understand.

And yes, consciously I know there are men who are against the patriarchy. And I'm glad that doesn't automatically mean I must be fine with dating one. I don't judge the girls and NB people in my life who date guys, I'm happy for them that they feel good in their relationship and can be their autentic selves.
But still, it's not my preference. And I'm starting to understand there's nothing wrong with me for it. Thank you Scarleteam <3