advice regarding gfs past and keeping a healthy relationship

[sampha]

hii yall, sampha here its been a while since i came back here. uhm updates first the girl i was dating, well i broke up with her because she was extremely emotionally unavailable in the end and it felt i was the only one who was trying to fix things and i couldnt take it anymore, it was extremely draining to me. she claimed she loved me alot but i couldnt feel it for a long time so i decided to call quits on that. anyways a month later i met another girl in my college, we started talking. lets call her ivy. so me and ivy hit it off instantly because she was pretty inclined with my interests and music taste which is a big deal for me, we hung out and spoke some more and then i eventually realised that i like her and i decided to ask her to be my gf in december of 2025.

she is a genuine, caring, loving person. she supports me comforts me actually is good at communicating. lets me know when something is bothering her and actually listens to me. now the question i have from yall is how do i make sure this relationship is the healthiest one i ever have cuz i really do love this girl, i WANT to see her and i do MISS her which wasnt the case last time.

also one thing im struggling with is her ex, he was a bad person and treated her very badly, they were physically intimate like they had sex and everything, ik its immature but at times i feel really jealous that i couldnt share my first sexual experience with her. and i just want to get rid of this jealousy feeling. i know its normal to feel jealous but i dont want it to cloud my judgement or behaviour cuz she is an amazing gf and i love her alott )

[Sofi]

Hi sampha! I'm glad to hear you've found someone you care about and things are going well.

We actually have a great article on our site talking through how to build a healthy relationship. You can read it here:
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship
Let me know if any questions come up from it.

As far as the jealousy bit, like you said, it's normal to feel some jealousy and many people experience that. But you definitely don't want it to affect your partner, and you want to work through it so it doesn't. This idea that our first sexual encounter is something super special leads people to feel how you are: jealous that their partner already had that with someone else. However, this is just based on your belief about sex. There's no real evidence that sex is more special the first time or with the first person, and for a lot of people, it really isn't at all. So instead of focusing on her past, I suggest you focus on making your experiences with her special and treating her better than her ex did. You can't change her past, but you can choose how you view her and the relationship and that's what should be the focus here. <3

[sampha]

i actually did read it and after that only i formed my questions. thank you for referring me to the articles. uhm the thing is i havent had sex so i dont know if im good at it, she told me that she has had sex with 2 people and uh yes i wont be tough and say it doesnt affect me, it does actually. i am getting affected to the point where i think that i wont be able to satisfy her, im just in a lotta dilemna and im trying to shrug it off i dont want it to affect my intimacy with her because i really am attracted to her shes really beautiful, and there are also some emotional burdens im facing. let me know if i should share that too with you guys, if you have the time ofc thank you so much )

[Andy]

Hi sampha, it’s always nice to see people come back and I’m glad to hear it is with some good news too!

As for your question, I hope it will help to hear that there is not one universal way of being "good in bed", that just means too many different things that are different for each person in each different instance. However, there are things that can generally often make sex feel better for the people involved. And the good news is that they are not skills that would be exclusive to having sex, but rather those you can get and practice in other parts of your life. I’m talking about things like open honest communication, respect for your partner and their needs as well as for you and yours or curiosity and open mindedness. All of which play a much bigger role than for example experience when it comes to how people experience and enjoy sex. Does that make sense?
I’m glad you liked the article Sofi sent, here is another one that explains more about what I have said so far that you might find helpful: What Makes Someone Good in Bed?

But it sounds like there might be other things behind your worries and we are happy to talk about them with you if you want to share<3 You don’t need to worry about us not having time for you, we are a group of volunteers and staff and someone will always get back to you when they can, which might sometimes take some time.

[sampha]

okay so her ex bf came in her life when she was in a bad spot and needed some validation ig so he posed at this nice guy and stuff and completely made her obsessed with him, he showed her the future, even her mom wanted her to marry him, she loved him alot and well chased him and never gave up on him. in her words "i tried everything to keep him in my life" but that guy just abandoned her and ghosted her which gave her abandonment issues.

NOW i understand all of this i really do, but there is this underlying fear in my heart and mind that what if she never loves me as much as much as she loved him, even though im the best guy she has ever had atleast thats what she says, but we had a convo where she said something that hasnt left my mind lately, she said "after him i stopped thinking about the future like in general i dont think about the future, i dont think we have a future" its important to mention me and her are from polar opposite religions therefore she said that maybe we dont have a future together.

soo i kinda feel shitty feeling how that ass of an ex of hers got the most emotional future seeing gf and im getting this logical thinking, skeptical gf because i really love her and i know she loves alot too she shows that with her efforts. she cooks good food and bakes for me whenever i ask and just her vibe is pure. but she also apologised for saying that stuff and she did make up for it by showing me more love and apologising but i cant lie it stings me sometimes because it hurt me alot in the moment so yeah if i could be reassured i would love that and how to navigate through this to maintain a healthy relationship

[Andy]

I’m sorry you are feeling like this.
I hear you comparing yourself with her past partner a lot so I would like to offer you a different perspective on it. It doesn’t make sense to me to rate relationships or partners like this as I think that in general all relationships are different, not necessarily better or worse than others, and most people see it this way. People and their lives change, a first romantic relationship in someone’s twenties won’t be the same as a tenth one in their fifties. When different people in different spots in their lives meet it can never be the same, or even comparable really.

This of course does not apply to relationships that are unhealthy or in other way harmful, I think that any healthy relationship that people are happy in is better than an unhealthy one, no matter how intense it might feel. And I dare say that at least part of how your girlfriend felt in her past relationship had to do with it not being the best.
How does hearing all that make you feel?

I also wanted to ask if you two have talked about what you are looking for in the relationship and what are your expectations of it going forward? I can imagine how hearing that she isn’t seeing a future with you might hurt when you are thinking about a specific one yourself. Maybe talking about it and sharing your thoughts might bring you some peace or, if there are some big discrepancies about what you both want, help you find that out sooner rather than later.
Also, have you talked about what, if anything, might the religion difference mean for your relationship?

(PS: I hope it’s okay I added a few paragraph breaks into your post to make it easier to navigate for us)

[sampha]

well yes, we did speak about it and she apologised and said that she does see a future with me, she is just scared if that i might abandon her down the road which isn't true cuz i have genuine feelings for her. she has this fear due to her past obviously and i understand that. even i have fears regarding my past and some scars it gave me but still im willing to be all in because that's what loving someone fully is like right ?

and i obviously have this resentment towards her ex whom i haven't even met, i can guess the resentment built because i still feel this anger on why he got the innocent loving version of her and he ruined it. meanwhile i got the calculated, cautious and still loving version of her.

she loves and i know that, she makes me feel loved, i wouldn't say she isn't a good gf she's really good, i just need to get rid of this comparison fear i have thinking i won't be enough for her no matter how much i try it won't be a hundred percent.

the worst part is i know all of this is just my brain overthinking and i just wanted to put a shut to this once and for all and not be fearful of anything that has such low chance of happening

[char]

Hi sampha. I've been following your conversation here, and I think I understand your frustration. It definitely is painful to learn that our loved ones have suffered in the past, and we weren't there to support them. It also feels terrible to recognize that comparing ourselves to our romantic partner's ex is counterproductive, but not being able to stop doing so.

I think it's great you're acknowledging that you have these worries and how it affects your relationship. Discussing it with your girlfriend, which you seem to have done, can also help ease your anxiety--especially when you know that she understands your grief and resentment over her ex. I don't think your feelings can go away overnight, and your girlfriend likely understands that too, because it takes time for us to heal from our painful past. (And even when you feel like you're less upset than you used to be, there can be moments when the feeling suddenly returns.) Do you get what I mean?

Additionally, what do you think of bringing up more positive discussion topics as well as doing fun activities together? You can dedicate a specific time to talk about you and Ivy's favorite music together. For instance, if you two enjoy the same artist, each of you can make a ranking of said artist's works and discuss them. Would that be doable for you?