Engaged at 15

[madison15]

My boyfriend just asked me if I wanted to get married and I said yes, even tho all of my friends say we're too young. We're both 15 (he'll be 16 in November) but I know he's the one and he said the same thing about me. I haven't told my parents yet but his mom loves me and is so happy about it and we don't want to wait. I'm not dumb, just in love. I don't think I'm wasting my life or anything else my friends have said. Has anyone else ever got engaged or married when they were still a teenager? How can I tell my friends I'm mature enough to do it??

[Sam W]

Hi Madison,

I didn't get engaged as a teenager, but I met my now-husband when I was 16 and he was 15. And we got married fairly young for our friend group. And I will tell you something that I feel very deeply:

I am glad we waited until we were both grown ups before getting married. Extremely glad. Because in the span of years between when we met and when we married, we went through A TON of life changes and experiences. The person I am now, and the person he is, are two different people from the teenagers who fell in love. And it is in many ways sheer chance that we grew into people who still wanted to be with each other. We could have just as easily grown apart or found we wanted different things in life. And I am glad my younger self had that option to end things, even though she didn't choose to.

Too, waiting until we grew up meant that we got a chance to see how we dealt with huge life things (good and bad). Love and passion are wonderful things, but you also need to know and observe how someone deals with major stress, and what that does to your bond. You need the chance to discover who you each are outside of your relationship with one another, and the chance to see if those people still want to be together.

And, I will level with you. Marriage carries a lot of boring, aggravating stuff with it. Young me imagined married life as a chance to fool around with my love whenever we wanted and make yummy food in our own little kitchen and read.....And yeah, that all happens, but there is a lot of coordinating who gets the car and do we have enough money in case something bad happens and HOW DO YOU KEEP EATING SO MANY EGGS I JUST BOUGHT EGGS ARRGH.

I believe you when you say you two are in love. I think that's true. But even before we get the legal and practical issues of two teenagers marrying, the reason your friends are saying what they're saying is that marriage means closing as many doors as it opens. And when you're fifteen, it's sound to keep as many doors open as you can.

Does what I'm saying make sense?

[madison15]

Hi Sam,

Thanks and a lot of that does make sense. I really appreciate it and I have been thinking a lot about how my life will change but I just know he's the one and I guess I'd rather share everything with him right away. Also I always said I would wait until I was married before having sex and we're both ready now. He's not pressuring me, I really want to be with him too. I guess nobody understands that I'm mature enough for this and I know what I'm getting myself into. I think getting married would open just as many doors as not getting married to the love of my life

[Sam W]

You're welcome, and I understand where you're coming from. Can I ask why it's marriage in particular that you two want right now, instead of focusing on just being in the relationship and seeing where it goes? Because if you are a good fit for each other and continue to be so, you can learn that as easily from just staying in a monogamous relationship, and then get married later on. Marriage doesn't necessarily need to enter into it, and not being married means that if something does arise later on, you don't face all the legal consequences of having to end it.

[Kaizen]

Another thing you might want to think about is what "I want to share everything with him" means to you. What specifically are you thinking of that you'd be sharing with him in a marriage that you aren't/wouldn't be sharing with him as it is now?

[Amanda]

Hi Madison,

To give an example similar to Sam's, I fell in love for the first time when I was 14, and I believed that he was "the one." He was the first person I had sex with, and we were together throughout most of high school. We would talk about getting married, our future life and even kids. People would tell me that I was "too young" to know what love was, but now at 22 I still believe I truly was in love, and so was he. Eventually though, when I was 18, we broke up, and now I'm so glad that we did. I hate to say it, but love is not a good enough reason to get married, and sex is an even worse reason. If you do eventually choose marriage, or another kind of long-term commitment to a partner, it should be after your relationship, like Sam mentioned, has withstood the test of time and the many stresses and changes you will inevitably encounter, and you find that you are deeply compatible people, beyond the romantic and sexual feelings. Marriage is a binding legal agreement--you can be perfectly in love, monogamous, and happy with someone without getting married, and you can be married without having any of these things. Currently, I live with my partner of 2 and-a-half years, and we are very happy, and we never intend to get married. We feel that our love is a commitment we make to one another and renew each day, and do not feel the legal aspects would add anything to that.

Becoming sexually active is an important decision, which you shouldn't take lightly, as you already know. However, at Scarleteen we advocate that people should evaluate for themselves whether or not they feel ready for sex, in a variety of ways. In other words, entering into a legal agreement (marriage) does not automatically make someone ready to have sex, and you can be ready to have sex, and have a happy and healthy sex life even if you are not married. Here is our sex readiness checklist, I think it would be worth your while to take a look: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist.

Anyway, I hope all of this doesn't come across as too preachy, but honestly a lot of the stuff I've shared is stuff I sincerely wish someone would have told me when I was your age.

[madison15]

To be honest, he's the love of my life and I really want to start having sex with him and I always swore I would wait until marriage for that. I know I'm young, but we both feel ready (I made him read the checklist too!) You guys are great and thanks for the advice but I guess only we can know if we're both ready and we are!

[Heather]

Can I come at this in a more practical way? Does it even make sense to be talking about getting married or not? Would both of your parents actually give you permission to do that? Because, as minors in the state of California, you'd need that, including a court order, until you're both 18. If that's not even a possibility, then it just doesn't make sense to talk about marriage now, since that'd be three years away for you from a legal and practical standpoint.

It might also be sound to talk about what kinds of sex you've been saving for marriage, and if it's not all the kinds, what you think adding whatever other kinds you're saving would add to your sexual life that other kinds of sex aren't. (As well, if your parents giving you both permission to marry soon IS likely, about how making giant legally binding agreements mostly for sex is pretty dicey, and not something people who have done it mostly or only for that reason often talk about what a bad call that was in hindsight.)

Most often, people coming in saying they're saving sex for marriage mean intercourse, not everything else, and often, people have very unrealistic ideas about the difference between intercourse and other kinds of sex besides the only real differences, which are higher health risks and the possibility of becoming pregnant. So, if you want to talk that through, we're happy to do that with you.

[Kaizen]

A couple more questions to think about:

You say you "always swore you'd wait until marriage" for sex, whatever kinds of sex you mean. Why was that?

You've been through the checklist and decided you're ready for sex, which is great. Think about being ready for marriage... What would you put on a Marriage Readiness Checklist? How would you do checking that one off?

[Heather]

I've just looked at the IP information for your account, madison, and it clearly appears this account and posting are not be in earnest, but instead, based on both your IP address and your email, are some kind of media stunt or trolling an adult -- not a 15 year old girl -- is doing linked to a reality show and casting. The email you used is the same email connected to a casting call.

I don't normally call things like this out publicly, but given how much investment and time other users and our staff have given you here, I felt the need, as I don't want anyone wasting their energy on an intentional deception, or winding up sharing something that's about a producer trying to do some shady casting, which has certainly been a thing we've had others try here before. Suffice it to say, this is deeply unacceptable, disrespectful of everyone here, and also not within the guidelines you agreed to when registering.

I have locked this topic and suspend this account. Please troll for young people to exploit for your own gain somewhere else, if you just can't seem to stop yourself or your production company from doing it altogether.

[Heather]

For anyone who wants a full heads up about this scam account and thread, which mostly likely was done to try and use our space by deceptively seeking out real teens to approach for casting, the proposed show this was coming from, as listed on their Facebook page, is "Teenaged and Engaged," and the production company attached to it, and the IP, is Hollywood Center Studios in Los Angeles.