Scarleteen

Hi. For context, I'm a cis het male, 21. I've never had a partner. I've been trying, but I've never really know what I'm "supposed" to do, and I'm always worried about upsetting people or making people uncomfortable. Something I always worry about is people misreading my intentions, or doing something that I'm unaware is bad, which maybe is why I just don't frequently ever meet anyone who I could be partners with.

One other thing I worry about though is how the people who I'm interested feel after they know, because nobody has ever wanted a relationship with me. Essentially, I've been "friend-zoned" a couple times. (I only use that term because it's easily understandable, not because I think I can "escape the friend-zone" or some shit). But something I saw a girl mention online was how they feel to be reverse-friend-zoned, where they feel like the guy only wanted to be around them for the sake of a relationship or sex.

The worry I have is that I've always usually been the conversation initiator. I'm ok with the idea of remaining friends with everyone I've been interested in and just moving on. But also, I don't like typically continuing to initiate conversations all the time. I hate initiating conversations all the time anyway because I do that with everyone, but also I just worry it feels like I'm "still trying" to get them to like me. At the same time though... I've stopped initiating conversations, and they've just stopped talking to me too, they didn't feel any want to initiate conversations. But I worry that I just hurt the people who I've been interested in. Im worried when people I'm interested in learn I am and they aren't, they feel deeply insulted.

I know I genuinely want a romantic relationship. I think I'm demi-sexual (based on much of the research I've done.) I am deeply uncomfortable with the idea of having sex with someone I don't know, or even who I do know but don't feel intimate and romantic with. I want a romantic intimate relationship more than sex. (Cuz like, to be blunt, I can just masturbate if I want to feel the physical release part.) So I at least personally know that I'm at least not looking for sex from People, but that also doesn't change the fact that when I'm interested in someone romantically, that is different than being interested in someone platonically. So regardless, I still feel guilty for not being as forward in friendship if they aren't interested, but are still ok with being friends.

But like, I also can't tell if I'm just in my own head. I don't know if anyone I've ever talked to cares that much. I feel like if people who just wanted to be friends really wanted to... They'd try to talk to me more? I'm open to more friends, but also, I'm pretty introverted, AND also satisfied with the friends I have. So if someone wants to be my friend, I'm down for it.

This happens every time I've been interested in someone, since high school, to recently. Right now, I've been talking to someone, I've been slightly interested in them, but I've wanted to just go on a date to see because I don't even really know if I'm actually interested in them. Liked we've talked, I've enjoyed it, but texting with her is super slow, and she's super busy, and I don't know enough about her yet. And while she's expressed vauge interest... I already feel like there's a mismatch because she seems super busy, and not interested in me enough to want to talk to me without me initiating, or ask me anything, or reply very timely.

I don't hold this against her, to be clear. That's all fine lol, she doesn't have to be interested in me. I'm just starting to think "Oh, I like her, but I'm starting to think we're not compatible if I'm already starting to feel a mismatch in our schedules and how often we prefer to communicate, and who's doing more talking." However... She has agreed to a date, that we haven't gone on because she's busy. And we have been talking for a while. They're very slow conversations, but also, we've been talking for a while. And I just feel so... Shitty.

I feel like I'm general, I just approach everything wrong. I don't what to do. #1, I don't know what to say to her that I'm afraid won't come off... Like, insane. I don't know how to explain that like... I'm not sure if I think we're compatible after I've also been the one expressing interest before.

#2, How can I change my approach? Or like, Find people who would be interested in me, or at least, wouldn't feel insulted if they knew I liked them. Like as in, I want to find someone I have a connection with, but romantically.

(I don't want to make any girl who may be genuinely feeling like I'm a good friend feel shitty because I was interested in them, and they now feel uncomfortable. But also, I'm worried that's just inevitable. But also, I HATE the feeling. Like, I feel so bad about how I've kinda just drifted away from the people I've been interested in. But also, they've never messaged me again either. I don't know.)

Sorry that was a lot, but I've just been feeling really down today about this. Hopefully it made sense.

Hey there <3

To me, it is very clear that you are deeply caring, cautious, and thoughtful in how you are relating to other people. It would be a shock to me if the folks who know you don’t pick up on that too. I think that unintentionally upsetting people or making people uncomfortable is kind of just part of life– we can’t possibly know how every single other person will react to every single thing we say and do– but in those situations, there is a lot we can do to help remedy them and keep showing up. I’d bet the people in your life know you intend to be a kind person.

I also don’t know that people being insulted that you like them is necessarily a realistic thing. Ready for a Mikky tangent? When I was in freshman year of high school, there were more than a few guys who only talked to me because I would help them with homework (aka, do their homework for them). I remember one of them being nice, but then when I didn’t want to keep doing his homework, getting really weird to me and saying mean things about my appearance. THAT was insulting. There were quite a few guys in high school who only hung out with me because they were interested in my friend, and when she’d tell them she wasn’t interested, they’d suddenly disappear from my life without a trace. THAT was insulting. When I was 20, I had a coworker who was extremely “nice” to me because he thought I’d hook up with him, and when I would reject his advances, he’d be moody and gross and disrespectful. Insulting!!!! But, I had another coworker a year later, who I got along with well and started being friends with, who I did realize had feelings for me that were not reciprocal. I was not insulted in the least. She was incredibly kind and respectful and though once I communicated that I wasn’t interested, our friendship changed, we kept being friends. Because she treated me like a person, not just an avenue for some specific benefit. I could go on- I have quite a few examples of both.
Tangent over.

I think that some worry is healthy. But for you, the amount of concern you have seems to go past the healthy amount, and stick you in a pretty tortuous spot.

As for your first question, I think you said exactly what I’d recommend communicating to her:
"Oh, I like her, but I'm starting to think we're not compatible if I'm already starting to feel a mismatch in our schedules and how often we prefer to communicate, and who's doing more talking."
Or to rephrase it, “I like you, but I’m starting to think we’re not compatible to be dating because of how mismatched we are in our schedules and communication preferences. How are you feeling about this?”

I don’t think I have any advice re: changing your approach, besides that the amount of concern and worry you have seems to be making this all much harder for you.

How does that land with you?