Scarleteen

So, I'm autistic. I have a lot of struggle understanding or dealing with people when there isn't clarity. As a child I had a lot of behavioral issues and most of my life I was in 'special education'. As a result I've basically never had a good friendship, so I just have no idea. I am deeply lonely, but I also struggle to find people who I even could connect with, much less actually do so. My social anxiety and incompetence are both through the roof.

I really wish nothing more than to build real connections and friendships. I just have... no clue. I don't know what to expect. I don't know how to communicate wants or boundaries. I don't know what the expectations from others or even myself might look like, in a real friendship.

I struggle so much to show care or interest. Honestly I think it's just part of who I am, I'm just not very overt about things even if I am passionate about them. But I've never been close enough to anyone to really know how to show that caring how I would.

I am a very deeply caring and loving person, I think. It is endlessly agonizing never having been able to actualize that.

How do I go to a person and start talking and making friends, asking them what they'd like to do? Especially when, as is typically the case, I find the person to just be good-looking and interesting in a way that might be interpreted as romantic interest. But I'm not romantically interested, I am aromantic, I just want close connections. Even the smallest hint of feeling like I'm trying to 'get with' people is just so repulsive to me. I can't do it.

I do have some feelings, a lot of the time. They are certainly not romantic but they do feel more strong compared to what I think most people experience around non-romantic relationships. I certainly do not want to ask for a date or a girlfriend / boyfriend or anything like that. But the nature of trying to establish a deeper connection, especially when my autism means that I just need to have open communication, honesty, and clarity, makes it all so daunting.

Sorry if this is unintelligible

Hi Estobawk, I'm sorry you feel lonely and like you struggle to connect with people. I am also autistic, as are several of us here at Scarleteen, so we understand. It can be difficult to navigate relationships (romantic or not) in a neurotypical world, but I also want to remind you there are plenty of other autistic folks you could try to meet and see if a friendship forms there. I've found I have way less of those feelings of misunderstanding and communication struggles with other autistic people. There are many places online and irl to meet them, there's even a dating and friendship app for neurodivergent people specifically. Is that something you've tried or are willing to?

We also have an awesome autistic writer who's done a whole bunch of helpful articles here, Lisa Laman. I think going through some of them could really help here. You can find them by clicking this sentence.

We've also got a great guide to building relationships, which applies well to friendships too: How to Build Every Relationship from the Ground Up

After reading these, what questions came up? How can we best support you with this?