Scarleteen

Hi! I found a somewhat similar older post about this on here but I wanted to share my scenario.

I'm an 18 yo in a WLW relationship--at this point pretty sure I'm lesbian because I've only been in relationships with women and have actively rejected relationships with men. I'm so in love with my girlfriend and we're VERY comfortable with communicating about everything, including the stuff I'm about to share.

Recently, I've been so freaked out about the sexual part of my sexuality because I seem to still be very attracted to dihs despite thoroughly enjoying sex with a woman. Like... I loooooove lesbian sex and didn't know feeling that way with a woman was possible, but I came into college expecting to get laid by a man since I've never had that experience before. In my head I was expecting to be apart of college hookup culture just to get it out of the way to be really sure of what I wanted. However I met my gf as soon as I got into college lol so that never manifested. I absolutely don't regret anything but I can't help but have just a little curiosity. I've always known that I can't form any kind of deep romantic relationship with men, but I've always been very sexually attracted to them. I didn't know I was sexually attracted to women until my most recent relationship with my gf. I've recently been having dreams of sex with men and wake up feeling so disgusted and guilty with myself because I'm so so so happy and fulfilled with my gf but have these crazy dreams that I know I would never commit to IRL. Also, I am only able to masturbate to straight porn and not lesbian porn (more on that later). I've talked about this with her before and we've discussed it as a "biological need to fill a hole" but it makes her feel like she's not ever going to be enough since she doesnt have a Penis--from my
Perspective of course this isn't or will ever be the case and is definitely more of a me problem.

For some context we're thinking that these dreams were rooted in my past internalized homophobia/comphet as I'd spent a good chunk of high school trying to make myself straight by really trying hard to crave sex with men. Ik... really unhealthy. I was exposed to porn at a very young age unfortunately and have only been accustomed to seeing straight sex (I most likely had an addiction in early high school, but I have a much healthier relationship with it now). I've tried to get off to lesbian porn but I just can't-- it either scares me because it's so unlike from what I do with my gf or grosses me out because of how exaggerated and how many toys they use it just looks painful. I don't know what it is but I think I like penetration/ the positioning of seeing a dude on a girl. For example my gf and I tried watching girl and guy porn and then lesbian porn together. It was actually her first time ever watching and she thought the first one was absolutely disgusting. Also, I know I said I don't like lesbian porn, but it's mainly the eating out and other stuff they do. I like seeing when they're on top of each other or literally just kissing bc it reminds me more of sex w my gf, but I hate the eating out or fingering scenes even tho we do that too.
Also, during sex with my gf I kinda figured out that I can orgasm from some kind of fingering penetration g spot thingy.

My main concern is not so much about this attraction invalidating my label as a lesbian, but what it means for my sexual needs in the future, especially as I have never had sex with a man before and want to date my girlfriend for a looooooong time We've considered using a strap but would like to hear some insight about the psychology behind all of this, as well as what I can do to help myself?

Gf and I have discussed trying to avoid/rule out any porn for now to abate the nightmares but I'd love advice on longer term solutions . Also would be helpful to note that it's summer break rn so we've been long distance and this is when it's started.

Thank you!!!

Hi there, Teaturtle--welcome to the boards!

I'm glad you are not concerned about this interest invalidating your identity as a lesbian, because I agree that it does not. There is a lot we could talk about from your post, but here are my initial thoughts to start:

Something I want to point out is that being attracted to penises, or wanting insertive sex with a penis, is not the same thing as being attracted to men. And being a lesbian is about the gender you are attracted to, not the body parts necessarily--it does not mean you should be less interested in penises. For one, there are women who have penises, and some of them like to use that body part to have intercourse. And also, as you know, strap-ons are a option that most anyone can use.

If you like the positions, activities, and dynamics you associate with sex with men, you can have all of those with a woman. Given that, would you say your desire is for sex with a man, or would you enjoy with sex with a woman that involves a penis/strap-on just as much or more?

If you are still interested in sex with a man, you will have to consider what that means for your relationship as it is now. If your girlfriend is comfortable with you having sex with other people while you two are together, that means you could try it. If that isn't the case, and it sounds like it might be so, staying in the relationship will mean keeping sex with a man as a fantasy for yourself. Pursuing sex with a man will have to mean leaving your relationship.

it makes her feel like she's not ever going to be enough since she doesnt have a Penis--from my Perspective of course this isn't or will ever be the case and is definitely more of a me problem.

It is good to hear that the two of you have a strong relationship and communicate well. Have you had the chance to tell your girlfriend that your interest in penises is not about feeling unsatisfied with her, or her not being enough? Did it help her feel better? I think it might be important to make sure she understands this before you try using a strap on together.

I've recently been having dreams of sex with men and wake up feeling so disgusted and guilty

I am only able to masturbate to straight porn and not lesbian porn

Your dreams, your fantasies, and the pornography that you enjoy are not a direct indication of the kinds of sex and relationships that you'll want in real life. They can sometimes have a connection, but it just as common for people to have interests in fiction that they would not want to bring into their actual relationships.

I've tried to get off to lesbian porn but I just can't-- it either scares me because it's so unlike from what I do with my gf or grosses me out

I wonder if the issue here is not with lesbian pornography in general, but the kind of porn you are looking at specifically. As I mentioned earlier, most anything you enjoy about sex between a man and a women can happen between two women--equally, there is lesbian pornography uses fewer toys, focuses less on oral sex, and that you may find to be less exaggerated, if you go looking.

What do you think of this, so far?