I want to go further, but I don't know how to broach the subject

[writ3r-wr3ck]

I (16f) want to go further with my girlfriend (also 16f) and we have had discussions about sex and other things before in full honesty with each other, but there's a few issues I'm not sure how to get past.

One, I struggle to really get myself aroused. Not sure if this is because I haven't had chance to really get it on with anyone before and because I've just had to make do with the limited resources I have at home, but I'm worried this will get in the way of us ever going further.

Two, we rarely ever find ourselves in a situation where it's possible. I've been to her house for sleepovers before, but rarely anything occurs and that was usually because her step-sister was often home and it just would be rude and awkward to try anything knowing she's there. We're otherwise always at college or at a social event with others present or in a general public place.

Three, I just don't know how to broach the subject with her anyway. I've joked around a bit before by saying things like 'uhhh i'm gonna snog you now' at college or texting her really flirty messages when we're both at home but I've never seriously told her 'hey, this is a situation I'd really want to try with you, would that be okay?' because I always chicken out about it. I'm forever unsure it's a thing she actually wants, even though we've had thorough conversations about sex, kinks and even bdsm safety before.

any advice would be appreciated!

[Latha]

Hello and welcome to the boards, Writ3r-wr3ck!

We'd be happy to help you think about these issues. Going in reverse order:

3. It is good to hear that you and your girlfriend have had thorough conversations about sex and safety before. That should form a strong foundation for the discussion you would like to have now.

When people say that they don't know how to have a conversation, but they do know what they want to communicate. my guess is that they are worried about the consequences of talking. Perhaps, the thing that is making this conversation difficult is that you are looking to be sure of what your girlfriend wants before you ask her--"I'm forever unsure it's a thing she actually wants.". That is a lot to expect of yourself, but is understandable if you don't want to make her uncomfortable. Is this right?

I wonder if it might help to frame this discussion differently. Instead of trying to determine what she wants on your own, making a proposal up front, and then asking her if that is okay, what would you think of inviting her to talk about both of your interest in partnered sex? That way, you don't have to know what she wants for sure -- the slate is clear, and both of you can build up to talking about the situation you want to try. You might use our yes, no, maybe so list to guide your conversation--It is a list of prompts for different sexual actions and activities, to help people talk to their partners about their preferences.

2. I understand how it would feel awkward and uncomfortable to have sex when someone else is home--it can be difficult to relax enough to be in the mood, and you do want to be respectful of the other people you are sharing space with. That said, it is not actually rude to have sex if you are in a private space where you can expect not to be interrupted or heard--this is how many couples who do not live alone have sex. Would you and your partner feel okay exploring sex during your sleepovers under those conditions? If not, we can do some more brainstorming to figure out logistics.

1. I'd like to ask a few questions about your issues with arousal.

• By arousal, are you speaking about your ability to get in the mood for sex--to want it? Or are you thinking of the more physical signs of arousal, like lubrication?

• Do you have a sense of the contexts in which you are really able to feel aroused, and when you struggle to feel aroused? What is that like?

• What are the limited resources you mention at home?