Scarleteen

I'm gonna sound dumb because this is standard asexual stuff. But I've started to realize I don't think I've never experienced sexual attraction or arousal, I've had sex one time. I was the top and the person who I was having sex with wasn't really paying attention to me but I didn't really mind because I just wanted to please them. And this has happened ever since I was able to know what being horny was, but I don't feel anything when I masterbait either, it's like I have this urge to do it but then when I try I just don't feel anything. My brain is elsewhere but my body is still showing some signs of arousal. Should I try toys or is it a loss for me?

Welcome to the boards, Blaqkcanary.

For sure, it sounds like that one partnered experience was lackluster for you, and possibly for you both. Two people not connecting well sexually happens all the time, and having sex that's ho-hum also isn't, and chances are there are some things you two both could have done to potentially improve things (including not picking a framework for being sexual that was kind of at odds with what you wanted). Some of what makes sex mutually satisfying between people having sex together is different stuff then what makes someone feel satisfied with solo sex. Some isn't.

For instance, being fully present during either sex or masturbation are a big part of what make people feel actually satisfied, so if your mind is somewhere else, then yeah, it won't feel anywhere near as good. All of us really has to be in it during sex or masturbation. If we're able to like, file our taxes in the back of our mind, we're clearly just not in whatever we're doing sexually.

Can I ask, when you go to masturbate, why you do it? What's the motivation? If your head isn't in it, and you don't actually feel aroused, why are you doing it? I don't ask that to accuse you of anything, I'm just trying to sort out what you're looking for from masturbation to get a sense of if you enjoy masturbating in the first place, and really want to, because if you don't really want to masturbate and your head isn't in it, a toy might provide more or different kinds of sensation, but unless the toy itself excites you, it won't likely change those things, you know?

Hi! And thank you for the welcome, I'm not too sure if I'm actually responding directly to you or not but here it goes.

The person who I did have sex with could have lied but we had a conversation after and they said it was fine, we were joking around after and it seemed fine. But I know a second time with them won't happen anyways.

As for wanting to masterbate, I do feel the urge to. I don't get turned on by porn videos. But I think reading it does, I get restless and involuntary squeeze my legs together for some relief but when I finally get that urge to actually do something it just like goes away...I also don't think I've experienced a normal orgasm either. I think I'm tired of just clitorus stimulation? And when I use my fingers for penetration it also doesn't do nothing?

Well, regardless of what they said or their experience, it sounds like you had a bad time, and that matters, you know?

Often, masturbation feels a lot better and more compelling when we don't limit it to just one body part or an inch of our skin. The clitoris itself is much, much bigger than the external portions you can see or easily feel, and even though the rest of it is inside the body and a big part of why we can have sensation inside the vagina, if and when people aren't turned on a lot, those portions, like the external ones, won't be as full of blood and thus, won't be as sensitive as they can be. If you have been exploring inside your vagina and it's felt like a lot of not much, that might be part of why (the other part is that generally, one's own fingers don't have the right leverage or shape to really fill the vagina in the way that tends to create sensations that are anything to write home about). But masturbation also don't have to just be about genitals -- it can involve touching any of the parts of our body we want to explore or enjoy.

It does sound like this is something you want to explore, and like toys might be something you might enjoy, especially toys that can do things your fingers can't. Toys, of course, never guarantee pleasure for everyone, and they aren't magic, they are just something extra we can explore sexuality and pleasure with that can add to the existing mix. have you seen this series of ours yet: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/culture/how-play-toys

If not, it might be helpful for you if you want to look into toys.