Scared of anal.

[wingsof-feather]

Hello, and thank you to whoever reads this. I'm writing to ask for help with anal.
I'm a twenty-something transwoman. My girlfriend is also a transwoman. Neither of us have gotten or wish for bottom surgery. I'm a strict bottom- I have never wanted to put my penis inside anything.
I'm somewhat scared of anal. The idea of thing going inside my butt in that way makes me feel a bit queasy- ive never known why. The few times I've attempted anal I bleed, and I'm too tight for anyone to fit in. My gf is... very well endowed and it scares me for the future. I've tried just using my fingers as a way to get myself used to it but it still always makes me feel queasy. My questions are, how can I help myself get over this fear? How can I become able to take it without bleeding and whike being able to fit it inside me?
Thank you very much for your time.

[char]

Welcome to the boards, wingsof-feather. Good to see you here

I think being anxious about insertive sex is completely understandable. After all, that involves someone else's body parts and/or items making contact and interlocking with our own body parts. Not to mention that usually, the person whose body is being entered tends to be more physically vulnerable too, not just from STIs and pregnancy (in some cases) but also from abrasions and other physical pain. And for a lot of people, literally inviting someone into our bodies is a form of emotional vulnerability and intimacy. So yeah, it's not weird at all that you're scared and worried. That said, sex shouldn't be painful for everyone involved. It is concerning to hear that you've bled from anal sex--were you able to get this checked to a medical professional?

It'd be great if you could let us know how you've been doing anal sex, solo (masturbation) and partnered. Some questions to consider:
- Were lube and condoms involved all throughout, since the anal doesn't lubricate itself?
- Did the two of you take it slow, including "warming up" with other activities that get you aroused and relaxed? This can be kissing/making out, manual sex, oral sex (in your case, since you prefer not to insert your penis into anything, analingus or "rim job"), and more, among other things.
- Did your partner take her time with inserting her penis? Was she gentle?
- This one's less physical and more psychological: just to be sure, is anal sex something you've consistently wanted throughout these moments, doing only for yourself, and feel ready and enthusiastically excited for? If you've had any doubts about it, it might be helpful to address said doubts.

I also believe these articles can answer some of your questions in more detail:
- Why does anal sex hurt?
- Let's Get Metaphysical: The Etiquette of Entry
- Pelvis Problems: Anodyspareunia (aka: Pain with Butt Stuff)

[wingsof-feather]

I thought it was normal to bleed when having anal sex... especially the first time. I never sought any medical advice for that reason. I havent had anal sex with my current partner yet, we are far apart at the moment. I've had anal sex in the past only with one night stands, who weren't the gentlest and.. I guess I should have probably mentioned that ive been sexually assaulted in the past- and it was anal that was done to me unconsentually.

I do feel excited to have anal sex with my partner though. Sometimes I even imagine it happening and how it would feel. I've only preformed anal on myself a handful of times- with my fingers, and with a small plug. Is doing it myself something I should make a priority?

[Heather]

It is somewhat common for receptive partners to bleed with any kind of intercourse, but that's not usually anatomical, but behavioral.

In other words, the reason why people bleed isn't because of our body parts automatically bleeding with first or any intercourse, that's because of user error, as it were. People commonly don't use lube or use enough of it or add more often enough; are too hasty with interlocking their parts, rather than going slowly, and going *with* the receptive partner's body parts (the anus, like the vagina, will tend to pull in instead of resisting when it feels right -- it's something palpable someone using fingers or a penis can feel if they know to do that) instead of pushing against them; feel anxious or nervous; or don't say stop or pause when things hurt to correct for that before it causes things like abrasions, which is why bleeding happens. If and when this kind of sex, like any, also isn't wanted, or the receptive partner doesn't get a choice or the chance to let their partner know how it's feeling for them so their partner can respond accordingly, it's also common not only for bleeding to happen, but for it to be a bad experience for that person, perhaps very obviously.

I'm also a survivor, including of that kind of assault, and I'm so sorry you had to experience that.

It sounds like your experiences so far have not had anything in that list up there. Again, I'm sorry, but the good news is that this is a kind of sex you can have both without bleeding and that can potentially be something you enjoy.

It does sound like continuing to do some exploring on your own is a good idea. With a plug, for instance, you can get some sense of what that pulling in feels like, but also how you can feel the anus and rectum yield, or relax, little by little when everything is feeling right with anal sex. You can also learn some more about what does feel good to you, physically *and* emotionally.

If you haven't already, really talking all of this out with your partner also will support this kind of sex (and others!) being something you both can enjoy and something that also feels right to you emotionally. I'm happy to help make suggestions for that talk if you like.

Where would you like to take this from here?

[wingsof-feather]

I'm honored to be speaking with the founder of this amazing site, thank you for your time and attention.

Thats actually very eye opening, I've always been told it's "normal" for it to hurt and for you to bleed. However, I'm certainly not shocked to find my former partners were too rough. Luckily my Girlfriend is very understanding, and incredibly easy to talk to- so I'll have no trouble communicating these concerns to her. I really am lucky in that regard.

I greatly appreciate you sharing that you're a survivor with me and I'm sorry you had to experience that aswell.

I'm feeling a lot more comfortable with the idea of anal now, and I know I always have a place to seek any help I'd need in the future. Thank you so much for this.

[Heather]

Oh goodness, it's my pleasure. So glad to be of help. We survivors need to stick together. <3

I'm so glad that you have this wonderful relationship! For sure, this really makes all the difference. I'd suggest talking to her in depth about this, and also working out together how to make this best for you. That can be things like talking about the emotional and physical environment you need, how to do this gradually and how you'll keep checking in with each other as you go, getting a good lube (and if you use condoms for this, good condoms, too -- note that inside or "female" condoms can be used in the anus and they're polyurethane, which tends to feel softer and conduct body heat better than latex), and then making sure you hear from her that she's ready to stop or pause any time you ask. You might also think about starting together with a toy that you've found feels good to you or gloved fingers, first.

We're here anytime for more that comes up with this or anything else!