Scarleteen

so. I’m sub 18F recently started talking with dom F22. i’ve been in a relationships before, but i didn’t have sex with my last partner and we didn’t have any common kinks, though it was fine with me. but know i wanna try out the thing i wanted to try out. (and i know what i want!!)
so this girl, we’ve been talking only for a few days, and we both talk with a few different people at the moment, so of course it might never go any further, but i like to think about stuff beforehand. we have a great kink match (according to the bdsm test) but there’re some things that i’m hesitant about, and i want to know if there a chance that this might work out and be safe for me. a few facts about her
1. she has some bdsm experience (i don’t know how much) but apparently she doesn’t know a lot about safe words, aftercare etcetera, etcetera. and somehow she has done really extreme things without it, nor her previous subs or her enforced safe words. (she did have some boundaries but its not it). well… i don’t know at what point in her life this has happened. and from my experience people in my country and my area not very sexually educated in general. and she also used to live in a very small town most of her life so i can believe that she didn’t have access to this information. it’s generally hard to find in my country’s language and most of the info you can find is probably banned due to different propaganda laws…so i’m perfectly fine to providing some knowledge and learning something new together.
2. she told me that she doesn’t have a lot of empathy or emotions. (so a psychopath?) i asked what does she means, she told me this “It's when you're aware of what's going on around you, when you can objectively assess certain actions and understand the motivation behind them, but you don't have an emotional reaction to it.”
I don’t like to judge people, and i dont know how she treats her partners and subs. but i do have a question after all of that. can you be a good dominant when you lack empathy? how can you provide aftercare when “care” is something that you might lack? how can you read the room correctly without any empathy?
and the final one: if we both gained some interest towards each other in the future and if she were interested in learning about all the safety bdsm stuff ( and of course didn’t plan to violate it) could this work out or is this prone to fail?

Hi PomPom

I am glad to hear that you know what you want, and that you are excited for this new connection you've made. I also appreciate that you are listening to the voice that tells you to hesitant, and asking good questions. Here are my thoughts:

she has some bdsm experience (i don’t know how much) but apparently she doesn’t know a lot about safe words, aftercare

She may not know what safewords are, but in the sex she has, is there a way for participants to indicate that they need sex to stop, or be changed in some way? Does she know how to distinguish between the dynamic that she is playing with, and the actual needs of the people she is having sex with? In the same way, even if she isn't familiar with the term 'aftercare', does she recognize that a partner might need care after sex, and what that might look like? Does she understand her own needs after sex? How does she handle them? It isn't wrong to be unfamiliar with these specific terms, but it is necessary to be able to communicate well about sex and respond to the needs of a partner. These skills are not optional for any kind of sex, and not demonstrating them is red flag.

i can believe that she didn’t have access to this information

You know the details of censorship in your country best, and your know what conversations about BDSM are like in your language, so I am inclined to accept what you say. But if this girl can access BDSM tests online, and is generally experienced and conversant in talking about the activities we associate with BDSM (enough to do those extreme things you mention, at least), is she really likely to be unfamiliar with or unable to access the other parts of the internet where people talk about BDSM safety? Unless you are sure, this might be a question to keep in mind as you get to know her better.

she told me that she doesn’t have a lot of empathy or emotions...

Let's set aside words like 'psychopath', which has a lot of history and weight attached to it. As far as I know, not being able to mirror how someone else feels--to, for example, feel pain for the fact that someone else is in pain--is not the same thing as lacking the ability to show care and act with respect and kindness. If she is aware and able to assess actions and their motivations, as she says, what matters is what she does with that information--whether she uses it compassionately, and if her partners feel cared for.

If you want to explore having sex with this person, you might start by having some non-sexual interactions where you get to know each other, or by having the kinds of sexual interactions that you can stop or leave easily--low risk. See how she responds when you introduce concepts like aftercare and safe words, and how she treats you when you assert boundaries or ask for change. Talk about the way she has approached sex with previous partners, and about how safely exploring the thing you want to try out is important to you. Start small, and work your way to more complicated activities if she shows that she can be trusted.

Out of curiosity, would you feel comfortable telling us what those extreme things she has done are?