Scarleteen

Not sure how to title this. I have a million things on my mind.

Basic background info; transgender, 22, a million different mental illnesses, probably aroace (more on this later)

The prompting for this is simple. I am haunted by dreams of SA. I am almost always the victim, but have been the perpetrator in at least one that I can recall. I always wake from these distressed and uneasy.

And, if I had a clear memory of being assaulted, it would make sense. But it doesn't. I can't remember anything blatant. There are small things, things that might even be perfectly normal. But I don't know.

And yet I am just. Plagued by this sense of nausea and unease. Am I forgetting something? It doesn't make sense - I wasn't around enough people to have been assaulted, right?

The idea of participating in sex makes me want to rip my skin off. Reading/viewing NSFW is... fine in the moment but I feel awful and sick afterwards (which I think can be attributed to plurality - the person typing this isn't the one seeking this shit out).

I genuinely don't know what to do. I've broached the topic to my therapists before but they just kinda shrug because well. It doesn't seem like anything happened. And maybe its just a fear of not being in control - compounded by trauma around my body being viewed as a sex object due to puberty.

Has anyone else experienced that sort of difficulty in opening Pandora's box? In confronting what may have been assault, or nothing at all? I'm scared, and I don't have anyone to turn to.

Hello and welcome, Looooid! I appreciate you reaching out to talk about something that is clearly distressing for you.

People who have been assaulted can have difficulties remembering what happened. But you don't have to have memories of sexual assault, or even have been sexually assaulted, to be kind to yourself about these nightmares and the feelings they are causing for you.

While a memory of assault would provide an explanation, I don't think it is the only possible cause of the dreams you've been having. Sexual assault is a frightening and unfortunate reality of the world we live in, and it is enabled by cultures that support mundanely coercive ideas about sex and sexuality. Everyone is hurt by allonormativity and heteronormativity and rape culture--that pain and fear might just be showing up for you through these dreams.

Why not respond to your symptoms and feelings as they are, and treat yourself as though you do have valid trauma around sex? If that leads to you remembering an assault in your past, you can deal with it then. If not, that is okay.

Reading/viewing NSFW is... fine in the moment but I feel awful and sick afterwards

We are not really qualified to talk about plurality here, but we can talk about the negative feelings you have after engaging with sex in fiction. Is that something you'd like to do?