How can I give him his space?

[sri20]

Hello Folks,

I've been in a relationship with the love of my life for around a year. We're from the same country and study in North Carolina together. Every relationship has its ups and downs, and so I'm left confused. I feel like I've been listening to way too many opinions and I'm afraid to visit counseling services at my University. Anyway, The beginning of 2014, we weren't working out so well, we kept fighting way too much over our pasts. For me, you forgive and forget, that's love right? With him, he holds a grudge which causes way too many fights. Eventually that year, the sex was bad too, I'm stubborn and so is he. So, I told him you know what, (summer came) I was like I can't be with you, it's too much for me. I couldn't take it anymore, I was so angry. With myself and with him. He didn't take the break up so well, he kept asking for me back and I said, please as for right now I can't, he needs to understand that the past is the past. You know? So, me being young and reckless, and being angry with him -- I slept with someone else. I have never slept with anyone else but him. So, we weren't together at that time and he was in so much pain, he couldn't believe what I did, I couldn't either. It wasn't like me. But, I told him of course, I couldn't keep it inside. He was so broken, he wouldn't stop crying. So, when summer ended, I decided to call him up. And you know, I wanted him to fight for me, I wanted us to be okay again, I wanted him to see what I was worth. I should have not resorted to that, summer came and he poured his heart out and told me he would change and he will never let me go and he will forgive me and for me to forgive him. I went back to him, Of course I did not expect him to be ok, because the love of his life slept with someone else. Christmas came around the corner, we we're so angry. I was diagnosed with severe anemia, and so, I had no idea I was severely anemic so that played a factor in our relationship during Fall Semester of 2014. But, we were still so happy regardless. I came back to the States, we would talk on the phone everyday and I came back and he broke up with me end of January. I was so hurt, I still am. He said he couldn't be with me over what I did, and guess what he's doing now? He's sleeping with someone else. "Revenge" and "Payback" So, his response was "Does this hurt? Is Karma a B**?" He also said I ruined us.He kept saying when he poured his heart out to me I wouldn't listen and now he won't. I decided to show up at his house, and I cried in front of him. We held each other, and he cried too. He said He loves me with all his heart, and he can't stop thinking about me and the guy I slept with, and he will never stop loving me. But, he said he needs his space. I freaked out. Like, we can move forward can't we? I begged to be with him. I can't see my self without him. So I spoke to him again, and he kept saying now you will see what it feels like, you ruined us. I need space we need space from each other, please leave me alone, I can't see you right now. Did I do something wrong? Am I wrong in this? Do I blame myself? I'm not sure. So I can't stop crying, How can I give him his space? Will we be together again? Will we be okay? Maybe space is a good thing and it could bring us closer but, now he can't justify anything because he's sleeping with someone else. Does that make sense? I sent him another message saying "listen, if you truly are doing this for payback and what not you will tell me you need space, and if this is over, you will tell me i would need to move on." He did not reply to me.

I'm so hurt, we wanted to marry each other, even though we're young. To me, I truly believe people make mistakes no matter how much it hurts, you move forward. I'm so confused.

[Ashleah]

Hey again sri,

I hate to hear that you are hurting. It is certainly hard when a relationship is not going the way we want with people that we care about.

Did you all discuss what "space" would like? This usually means different things for different people so its important to clarify. Uncertainty around "space" or taking a break can lead to more difficulty bc one person might be crossing the other's boundaries without realizing it. Also consider what you needing space looks like as well and what you want to achieve. What are the goals of spending time apart?

One thing that jumps out to me is that it seems like you are blaming yourself for the issues of the relationship. Some of which, if not all, is your ex intentionally trying to make you feel bad as well as justify his current (sexual) relationship. I don't think it is fair you are feeling that way because the health of a relationship should not fall solely on you. Even if your partner was hurt, blaming you is not fair. And it might not seem like it, but it is NOT your responsibility to make him feel better about the other guy. Your ex has to decide if he can get over his hurt without making you feel crummy in the process. A huge part of relationships is how we handle being hurt. I don't think that a person who really respects and cares about their partners feelings would WANT them to feel bad.

I can't tell you how things will play out but you should respect the request for space just as he should have requested your request this past summer. It seems like you have a chance to consider what you want as well!!!! Things like do you want to wait and figure out if he will end things or make that move or your own? If you get back together will you be able to move on from the hurt? What things would you want to be different in the relationship for it to work? Is this the best relationship for me? Just a few things you could consider since you want some space as well.

These are just a few thoughts, but we could talk more about it

[sri20]

Hi!!
Thanks for replying!

Yes, well when I did meet up with him, he did say "I gave you your space, please give me mine, you came back to me, we need space." I haven't really discussed the space with him and I should have, since my emotions are all over the place. Really for him, I know the space means to get over the hurt on he felt when I slept with someone, so he decides to sleep with someone else. Maybe, that's his way to get over it? And, I think the big issue here is to hurt me right back. I just feel like it's so wrong, because we got together after the summer. So, I'm like what? It just showed he never really got over it.

True!!! I feel like the more I talk to him, the more he becomes so angry and bring the other guy up, and I get even more angrier because I want to be with him. But, you are right I think I should respect his decision for space. Of course I want to be with him, and I want to make it work. Maybe he isn't replying because he also is not sure of what he wants. He told me "You're the only woman that can make me feel like this." But, he had a past too that I was not happy with. I think I do want to wait and see how things will play out, especially when both me and him go back home for the summer. I think a good 3 months a part maybe seeing each other again during the summer, we both would have cooled down, and we can see each other again and just talk things out. I think it will always hurt me, but I will be able to move on from the hurt, but him? I'm not sure, but he should know that I love him, and I only have eyes for him. He's my all. Is this the best relationship for me? I think so. I really do. I can see us working out, but I guess maybe not as of right now. He even said so "Right now we cannot be together."

As for your question what I would want to be different (a BIG question that would help solve things): trust and honesty. I think we both need to work on this in order to move forward but I just can't talk to him right now because he's so hurt and angry so his response wouldn't really help. I think I should work on spending time by myself, really thinking about things, and spending time with friends. Hopefully, when I'm back home for the summer, we will work things out. (fingers crossed!)

Thanks so much!

[Heather]

I'd add that some of what he is doing here sounds quite manipulative and also verbally abusive to me.

So, even without his request for space, I'd frankly advise taking some for yourself -- ASAP, no more big talks, maybe no more talks period for a good while -- to get some perspective on this, the kind we usually can only get with real time and space away.

[sri20]

Yes, you are right.

It's just plain wrong. It's SO wrong. Thank you both for really opening my mind that it is not my fault. That I shouldn't blame myself for sleeping with someone else.
I will definitely cut all talks with him for awhile, and focus on myself.

[Heather]

Would you like some links to information about healthy love relationships?

I would like to say that I feel 300% certain that anyone who is the great love (or loves) of any of our lives must, at the very least, not be abusive. Love and abuse simply cannot coexist, and love is so much larger than some of the pettiness being described here. And a lot of people confuse drama -- pushing and pulling, fighting hard and making up hard, etc. -- with love, but again, when we love each other, that's not how we tend to behave. When we're in an obsession, yes. When we're in something dysfunctional, oh yes. But if you think that stuff has been your best stuff, know you have WAY better coming down the pipe in your life if you're open to it. You deserve better and more than that, anyone does.

You not honoring an exclusivity agreement is what that is: you not honoring your agreements. But you not doing that doesn't justify verbal or emotional abuse.

[sri20]

Exactly. I think you said it right there. "When we're in an obsession."
But, you're right that's not how we behave. I feel like I'm the much "bigger" person here, I don't think I have done anything wrong, nothing wrong at all. We were dating right after the summer and everything was great to be honest. Then, I was gone for a month and something switched in his mind and decided to put me in constant pain. I knew me sleeping with someone else would hurt him, of course. But, revenge? really?

He's 21. In my point of view, he should act like a 21 year old man, and grow up. It hurts, and I understand. But, my feelings are in this relationship as well. This is not how someone should communicate, being hurtful and abusive is not how someone should communicate. However, it's not my job to fix him. I can think of the many times where I told him, okay I love you let's move on. The past is in the past. Why would anyone want to be stuck in the past? There's so much that life has to offer. Is anyone perfect? No. Am I? and is he? No.

I'm not even sleeping with anyone else, I'm not even doing anything with any guy. What he's doing now is so hurtful.. I've never been in this much pain before

yes, i would love links about healthy relationships Sorry I had to vent, it's just hurting me. I just can't seem to wrap my head around this, the fact he's actually doing this for payback. My heart actually hurts. I just don't know what to do.

Thank you for listening.

[Heather]

Well, I think talking about it with someone is certainly a good step, so we can certainly keep doing that with you if you'd like.

I do think taking a look at these links first would be a good move, though, so why don't you take a peek:
• Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship
• Love Letter

This may also be of use to you right now: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

I would say, though, that it's probably wise for you not to get too invested in judging his choice not to continue a relationship with you or his inability to move on from his own hurt. Those, after all, are okay things for him. He gets to feel how he feels, and he gets to opt out of relationships if and when he does not want to be in them anymore, for any reason, as does anyone. You may not like or approve of his reasons or understand his feelings, but he gets to have those, just like you do yours.

On the other hand, being or trying to be verbally or emotionally abusive is never okay (and using someone to try and hurt someone else is being emotionally abusive to two people), no matter how anyone feels or is hurting.