How to achieve an orgasm during sex.

[Danny]

So I have sex with my boyfriend almost every weekend or whenever possible and i feel as if i cant enjoy it as much as him, not because i dont love him because i really do but my problem is that i don't usually feel as if I can achieve an orgasm during sex. I know what an orgasm feels like because I get them when I masturbate (massage my clit) and also when we do oral. It makes me feel bad that i cant achieve orgasm when we have sex because obviously he does when he cums. So do i have a problem or is there something i can do about it? Does any other woman have this problem? Please help!

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, Danny.

So, oral sex and masturbation are both sex. That given, what do you mean when you say sex? Do you mean vaginal intercourse?

If so, know that the majority of people with vaginas cannot and will not orgasm from intercourse alone, and that is primarily anatomical, not something that is anyone's fault or failing. You also don't need to feel bad from not reaching orgasm from the same things a partner does: we're different people, and it's okay for us to be different in that way when we are. Sexual partners don't need to have identical experiences (and likely never will) to both have good experiences and enjoy themselves. There's just no need for you to feel bad about this, or try to "fix" it only or mostly because you feel like it's not okay for you not to orgasm from something he does.

Too, enjoying sex isn't just about what can make orgasm. People who enjoy sex a lot tend to enjoy the whole process, even if and when orgasm doesn't happen. People who make any kind of sex all or mostly about orgasm rarely feel as fully satisfied, even when orgasm occurs.

Here are a couple links that can fill you in on this more:
• The Great No-Orgasm-from-Intercourse Conundrum
• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

So, the easy "fix" is this: if you want it to be likely to reach orgasm during intercourse -- hopefully to feel good, not to avoid feeling guilty or because you think you owe an orgasm to a partner -- then you add another sexual activity or kind of stimulation that you know can get you there. Obviously, adding oral sex from that same partner isn't possible, but something like using your own hand, your partner touching you, or using a toy to create the kinds of sensations you get with masturbation or oral sex is.

In the event you did not mean intercourse, let me know what you did mean, and I'll have another go at this!

[Danny]

Thank you so much, this helped quite a bit.. And yes i did mean intercourse, sorry for not making that clear.

[Heather]

No worries, happens all the time.

But I also think it can be a good cue: if we're only calling intercourse sex, chances are good that that view alone is limiting your sex life, and also putting an awful lot of pressure on everyone to get all the things they are looking for in sex out of just one activity!

Anything else I can help you with or help clear up for you?

[Danny]

Well I would also like to understand why sometimes during intercourse it hurts. It sometimes feels like his penis is hitting my cervix, and it usually happens during "doggy style" or when my legs are up resting on his shoulders. Is there any information that you can give me to help me further understand this and also find a way to make it better?

[Heather]

Not every position is a good fit for every pair of bodies. And not every position is going to feel good -- or always feel good -- for even any one person all the time without change. And that may mean "doesn't feel good for your vagina," or "hurts the crap out of your knees." Like any other kind of physical activity, when we're sexual, we will always need to explore and learn what ways of being so, including how we're placing or using our bodies, does and doesn't work for us, and unless we're a Superhero of some kind, there will be some ways that just aren't keepers, or may be fine sometimes, but other times are just not the right fit.

So, when a given position doesn't feel good -- or worse still, hurts -- then you want to try and make some minor adjustments. If those don't cut it, or you don't want to make those adjustments, then you figure that position just isn't one of the ones you're going to try very often.

Too, when, during intercourse, it feels like the penis is hitting the cervix, that most often has to do with the person with the cervix not being aroused enough, and/or moving too fast into intercourse, rather than first spending plenty of time with other activities that turn them on THEN having intercourse if they want to do that. But some positions, period, just may cause that to happen for some people (or with some partners), even when everyone involved is very turned on.

You may want to take a look at this one: Left Foot, Red, Right Hand, Green: The Deal on Sex Positions.

Were you able to check out that anatomy link I gave you? If not, know some of what we're talking about here is also in there.

[Danny]

Thank you so much for the info and the links, all of this was very helpful

[Heather]

Happy to be of help! You know where to find us now if you'd like to talk about anything else, or need other resources.