Scarleteen

This is probably a licensed medical professional question, but I’ll try to ask anyway.

How do people discover the source of their sexual shame?

For other people, I can imagine it’s something as easy as “oh, I was raised religious” or “this was patriarchal conditioning forced upon me in my youth”.

This just brings up more frustration for me, if I’m being honest. It’s just another way that I don’t seem to fit in any way. And if I do “fit” or “belong” it’s as a woman or “woman-lite”.
I’m aware that people naturally gravitate towards putting people in boxes, but what am I supposed to do if my shame or life story doesn’t fit in any box?

What help could I possibly get then?

Hi there. You know, I hear what you're saying, most sexual shame help is geared towards religious upbringings. But just because that wasn't the case for you, doesn't make your story different in a bad way. There are tons of people who hold sexual shame for a thousand different reasons.

Being socialized as a girl is actually often enough to give some women sexual shame that's hard to shake off, simply for being a girl in a society that shames women for existing. You can read more examples of what I mean in this piece: The Sex Goddess Blues: Overcoming Sexual Shame
In your case, from what you've shared with us before, there could maybe be something tied to being trans and experiencing some gender dysphoria. It's pretty common for all queer people including trans folks to have sexual shame, since we don't really fit into what society wants us to be. Do you think that could be playing a role here?

As far as where it came from, a good way to start figuring out the source of that shame is asking yourself when is the first time you felt it? I will also say, though, sometimes it doesn't really matter that much WHERE the shame comes from. It will require a similar type of work to undo that shame whether it came from your parents, religion, society, an ex partner, or anything else. So maybe you don't have to be in a box as far as your story, since all our stories are unique anyway, and you can lean into community on places like Scarleteen where tons of people are going through similar struggles regardless of the underlying reason. <3