Scarleteen

this might be silly but it’s been all i can think about so i figured i’d post something here lol, idk if this is even the right place to be posting this so uhh yeah

my boyfriend is a little older than me, and has had quite a few girlfriends, 3 who he’s had sex with. he’s my first boyfriend and i’m a virgin. he’s started talking about having sex, kind of starting it by joking but now i’m pretty sure he’s very serious. i want to but im so scared of him finding my body weird or just not being good at it. he said that he promises if we did it that he would be very gentle and stuff, but im super nervous about it being painful or just not good. idk i guess im not sure what to expect and im mainly worried about him seeing me like fully naked and stuff lmao, if anyone has any like advice that would be very appreciated!! <3

Hi brandneweyes, welcome to the boards! No worries, your question isn't silly at all, and you're posting on the right place.

I hear that you're interested in sex with your boyfriend, but you're also worried about multiple things. First of all, I'd like to make sure that you're not doing this out of pressure--indirect or direct (such as coercion). If it feels like you have to have sex with him only because he's been jokingly hinting at it, and you're scared that he'd be angry if you said no, I worry that this desire doesn't fully come out of your own volition. Do you get what I mean? Ideally, if any of you is interested in sex, you'll be discussing it directly. This is where consent comes in: it has to be freely and willingly given, enthusiastic, and includes active participation from everyone involved. (You can read more about consent here: Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent)

With that out of the way, if you are sure that you're interested in sex without any pressure, I think it's important that you only do what's currently comfortable for you, and not force yourself. You don't have to take your entire clothes off if that's what you'd rather not do, for instance--some people prefer having sex while clothed. It may be difficult to figure out what kind of things you'd prefer if it's your first time having partnered sex, but the best way to do it is by experimenting. It's also important to know that sex isn't just vaginal intercourse, and it shouldn't be entirely focused on that. As of now, have you been able to discover what you'd like in sex, be it through fantasies or masturbation? Do you think you can bring those up with your boyfriend?

For now, I'll leave you with some articles that can help you with understanding consent, communication, and safer sex (for both the body and the heart). Feel free to ask us questions if you got any!
- Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
- Safe, Sound & Sexy: A Safer Sex How-To
- Safer Sex...for Your Heart
- Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
- Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist
- From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse

hii thank you, i think i want to but i just need to make it very clear that i wanna be slow and that im still unsure about what i like or want to do and stuff. i feel pretty comfortable talking to him and trust that he isn’t gonna take it too far or anything

Hi brandneweyes! Hope it's okay that I jump in. I wanted to just check in as you mentioned he's a bit older and you're still a minor. I know you feel comfortable with him, but I just want to make sure this is a safe situation for you. I still hear you say you *think* you want to have sex, which doesn't sound super convincing. If you're not confident you are ready and want to yet, then it's way better to wait and go very slow until you feel ready, despite your boyfriend's experience level. What kind of advice were you looking for, or how can we best support you here?

hii dw our age gap is only two years and we were dating much before. i just kind of wanted some level of reassurance that like i dont need to be insecure or scared and stuff and also to know that i might not be ready

Thanks for clarifying that. <3

Well, honestly, it's pretty common and natural to feel scared and unfortunately even insecure, especially if you're socialized as a girl, because society makes sure to give us many reasons to be insecure about our looks, our bodies, our sexuality, etc. Even if you end up deciding you aren't ready yet, it's great to start working on your self confidence anyway, since that'll be helpful in all aspects of your life. Let me know if you want us to help you with that. That said, it's really important you listen to your gut here... it seems like maybe it's telling you to take a step back and not rush into anything yet. I'd encourage you to do what feels right, because even though we're here to support you either way, the last thing I would want is for you to have sex because you feel like you should, and then realize afterwards that it wasn't really what you wanted. How do you feel reading that?

You mentioned you were worried about it being painful or not good. The good news here is: safe intercourse shouldn't ever be painful, and there's no subjective "good" or "bad" when it comes to sex. On the first point: intercourse might feel a bit uncomfortable the first time, but it should never hurt. If there's pain, that's a sign to stop, and could point to a medical issue or lack of lubrication (which can cause micro-tears or abrasion). As long as you're relaxed, aroused, and using a proper amount of lubrication, it shouldn't feel painful. Charis sent you an article going more in depth on this, did you get a chance to read it?

And for the second point: everyone has different preferences when it comes to sex, so there's not really a way to be bad or for it to be bad. It might not be enjoyable for YOU, because it wasn't pleasurable for example, but that's based on your preferences. Something you could do, and we actually highly suggest you do, is fill out this form Charis sent: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist. You'd do this with your boyfriend, which is a great opportunity to have more transparent conversations about sex and gauge how ready you feel (both to have sex in general, and to have sex with him specifically). It's also just a healthy habit to be able to openly talk about our preferences, wants, boundaries, etc with a potential sexual partner.

Last but not least, I advice you go through the following checklist to help in your decision: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist. There are some really great questions in there to help you figure out whether you're ready right now. Let me know your thoughts after going through it or if any questions come up!