Scarleteen

hi 4 years ago when I was eleven my best friend (girl) told me she liked me more than a friend, I expressed I did not feel the same but I still loved her as my bsf.

it started with her kissing/making out w me after she threatened to spread horrible things about me and stop being friends with me. It then led to her taking my shirt off and my bra and feeling up my chest. I remember freezing because I did not know really how to react to what was happening, all I knew was that she was my best friend and I didn't' want to lose our friendship. She coreced me to keep my bra off and sleep next to her, where she proceeded to touch herself lying next to me topless.

The chest touching and the kissing went on for a few more weeks, then one day I came over to her house for a sleepover before going to bed she made me watch p0rn as she put a electric toothbrush up there, and threatened if I did not do the same she would "do something bad", so I complied out of fear. When we went to bed she started touching my down there and put her fingers inside yk where, I pretended to sleep because I was terrified, and confused what was happening, the next day she facetimed to me to her putting a toothbrush up there again and would continue to factime me showing herself naked. She would tell me that she fantasized about me in sexual ways.

A year later she "broke up with me" even though I didn't even know we were dating. And it stopped, I lwk forgot about this all happening until it started coming back to me about a year go at the most random times during the day and even at night. I still saw this girl and was around her after that, even being in a freindgroup with her (where she also did bully, harass, and try to tear my reputation), unfortunately I do still see her to this day through out high school (not as much due to going to a bigger school and having diff friends) , when I see her I feel very shakey and sick to my stomach, im js confused if this was sa or not bc we are both girls so idk how that works rlly, but yea.

Hi clara_243. Happy to have you here on the boards, but I am deeply sorry that this experience was what brought you here. I'm also going to add line breaks to your message for it to be easier to read without removing anything.

Based on your message, I think it's undeniable that your "friend" has caused you a lot of harm and pain. You politely explained that you didn't return her feelings, which is in your every right to do. Yet she didn't listen to that, and forced you to have sex with her multiple times and threatened to tell others if you refused. That's not acceptable at all. People need to understand that not everyone will want to pursue a relationship with them, and that's okay. Further, anyone--regardless of age, gender, sexual orientation, and so on--can knowingly or accidentally hurt and abuse others. I understand your doubt, though; there is a narrow assumption some people have that all men/boys are inherently abusers and all women/girls are inherently victims, but that's not true at all. Reporting this can also become tricky since a same-gender dynamic is present, which can spread the stigma against queer people, particularly in more conservative spaces. Again, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. You deserve to be in a relationship that's consensual, healthy, and safe. One that honors your agency and individuality.

How does hearing this make you feel? What would it mean for you to consider this sexual assault? Is there anything we can do to help you?

It makes me a feel a bit unvaild, hearing other people's stories compared to mine

I'm sorry that you feel invalid; that wasn't my intention to make you feel unheard. Would you mind elaborating more on what you meant by hearing other people's stories compared to yours?

oh no you didn't do anything dww! for an example in my situation we were both 11 years old, so pretty young and idk I feel like its so rooted in my brain from her telling me that it was ok bc we were both girls, that I started to believe it myself, and seeing others come out about their own stories where grown people would do that, vs someone my own age and gender, it just makes me feel like that what they went through is so so much worse

Thanks for clarifying, Clara--I'll let Char know that you replied. <3

To respond to this feeling that you have, I think you have a sense that what this girl told you about her actions being okay was crummy and self-serving. I think anyone who has been has suffered can find someone else who seems to hurt more--that is partially due to compassion, but also because victims of abuse are always convinced to minimize their own struggles. The fact that you are in in pain matters in its own right and inherently justifies the care you need. Does that make sense?

yes it does! thank you so much, I appreciate it

You're welcome!