Scarleteen

Theres a lot more than this, but not only do I not want to push what is and what isn't allowed on here, but also idk how much I can say "out loud" to someone before I start getting scared.

I guess as I learn more about how my aroaceness works and how to go about it, the scarier it is. I think I began having intrusive thoughts about having sex with a friend. I don't think I feel anything besides platonic attraction towards them, but rather my thoughts began because my mind spotted an "opportunity". And I say I think these are invasive because I've been having sexual intrusive thoughts ever since I was about 8. And while I'm getting better at finding my true desires and beliefs, its still difficult to pin things down as definitively false...if all that makes sense.
This mixed with some sexual shame, fear of myself, and bpd (you can ask me to elaborate further on each of these if you want, I just don't want to make this toooo long) has made it even harder. I don't know if I don't want it because I don't want it, or if I don't want it because I'm disgusting for ever even considering it. I don't know if I do want it because I genuinely want to, or because I just need someone who knows most of my nature to truly desire and pleasure me.

And then I'm going off to college soon...I know for sure that I want to get laid while I'm there. But the more I think about what that entails, the more scared I get. Sometimes, I really do hate making new friends. And I don't want a one night stand either, I want it with someone close. Even so, reaching out to people hurts so bad. Its so agonizing that I don't know what to do with myself.

Hi again Masc_Cinderella. I'm seeing that there are several things you're discussing in this post, so I'll respond to each of them to the best of my capabilities.

I hear you on feeling worried about the sexual thoughts you have about your friend--even if we know that our feelings for them are entirely platonic, we can't control what our mind comes up with, and that can be an uncomfortable realization to stomach. At the same time, though, we are able to make decisions on how to process these thoughts and whether or not we're going to act on them. It sounds like you've been able to tell apart your out-of-the-blue thoughts from your actual desires and fantasies, so I think you're on the right track. You don't have to tell your friend about your thoughts and ask them to have sex with you if you don't want to. And to be sure, how would you describe your friendship with this person? Do you think there's anything between the two of you that you feel is a "source" of these sudden thoughts? The same goes to the "opposite"; is there anything that you feel is a reason why it's best not to have sex with them?

And then I'm going off to college soon...I know for sure that I want to get laid while I'm there. But the more I think about what that entails, the more scared I get.

I think I get what you mean. Transitioning from one educational phase to another can definitely be daunting; not just academically but also non-academically. In higher education, not only are you expected to have more agency over your own studies and career trajectory, but usually the students come from even more different backgrounds than what you've seen at school. I definitely felt that when I first got into university nine years ago; I'd be lying if I said I didn't experience any form of culture shock or anxiety over my own future.

When you mentioned this, what kinds of things regarding to sex and relationships that scare you? We can't help you with managing your BPD--that's for a mental health professional to do--but I wonder if you feel like it has affected your expectations and opinions on connecting with new people.

We've only been friends for about two years, but they're nice to me and everyone else. They're very understanding of my disorders and kinks, anddd I don't know. They're just cool :>. I'm not sure if we're particularly close though, considering other friends that they have. The thing that scares me is that them simply mentioning the fact that they've had sex before kind of kickstarted everything. Intrusive thought or not, I worry that I'm just reducing them down to someone who can give me an experience I've been longing for. And besides, even if I do genuinely want it, I don't think I'd have the strength to ask. Its too heavy of a question.

And then with college...I really do want to make new friends. I need that kind of community away from everything else. But I hate having to put myself out there. Its like ripping myself open just so people would look at me, and their gaze doesn't automatically mean that they wish to adore me, or would continue to do so forever. I'm just tired of being hurt, really. I don't want to be alone, but its better than being trampled on. Of course, this not only applies to sex, but to everything. And it sucks !

Hi Masc_Cinderella !

Having sexual thoughts/desire surrounding someone is nowhere near uncommon. It seems like the idea of thinking of your friend in a sexual way is causing you stress. If you see yourself as desiring sex, a friend is a great person to experience that with! We have an article on desire that might resonate with you, How to Understand, Identify and Make Choices About Desire.

Intrusive thoughts are scary and can often make us overthink. Like Char mentioned, we are not equipped to help with the mental health root of these thoughts. Have you ever received help from a therapist or other health professional?

I hear you on the difficulty of putting yourself out there. It is hard! Would it be helpful to think of the benefits it may offer? How about the negatives?