Last November I went to get a regular physical for the first time since high school. I figured it had been long enough and I wanted to get into the habit of going every year again. The appointment was going well until we got onto the topic of reproductive health. She asked me when my last pap test was, and when I said I had never had a successful one her entire demeanor changed. She went from talking to me very normally to suddenly sounding really accusatory and lowkey mean. She asked why I hadn't had one, and I tried to explain what happened. I had seen a gynecologist for the first time earlier that year and she wanted to do a pap test. I just went along with it since I thought I was supposed to and said okay. When she went to insert the speculum (before anyone says anything: yes I asked her to use a pediatric one), she could barely get it in before I felt a huge wave of pain. The best way I can describe it would be like a little ring surrounded by a wall of fire inside of my vagina. It hurt so bad I kinda jolted in the chair a bit and she immediately stopped before I even said "ow." My gynecologist then said she was just going to try to do a manual exam with one finger and I said okay. I thought it was just the speculum that was hurting me. She tried to insert her finger and the same thing happened again, so she stopped. She told me I had a very very tight hymenal ring, that she couldn't even get the tip of her finger through it, and recommended I start doing dilator therapy. The doctor I saw for my physical didn't seem to believe what I told her for some reason (???), and just replied in a very nasty tone "well, you better have it done before you see me next." I kinda froze and didn't know how to respond. I felt really really upset after that appointment. I already felt like I was broken and like a failure for not being able to get the pap done in the first place, so having this doctor be so weird/mean about it just made me feel even worse.
Online everything seems to be similar. I have been trying really hard to work with the dilators and do the pelvic floor exercises over the last year, but I haven't made much progress at all. I have the intimate rose set and I can really only use size 1 consistently without pain. I will occasionally do some ill-advised googling about reproductive health care when I'm feeling really down and scared about my situation since I really don't have anyone to talk to about it, and it honestly just makes me feel worse. Every single f***ing article or reddit comment about going to the gynecologist cannot fail to mention how absolutely vital it is to your survival as a human being to get a pap.
"You think that speculum hurt? Guess what? Cancer hurts even more! Suck it up, buttercup!"
"You need one even if you are a virgin and even if your risk for HPV/cervical cancer is super low because... whatever! Just get it already and stop whining!"
"Do you have a death wish? Do you want to die? Because by not getting a pap you're signing yourself up for an early death that will be all your fault."
What is with all the shaming!? What is with all the belittling behavior!? Why are people so obsessed with moralizing a medical procedure!? Where is this energy for other cancer screenings!? Why is everyone so obsessed with the pap!? I understand that cervical cancer is deadly, and I understand that within the general population it can and does save lives through early detection. But how is this energy and this behavior helping anyone? How does saying it can detect types of cancer it can't helping anyone (ex: I often see people claim it can detect ovarian and uterine cancers. No it can't??? It only tests for abnormal cells on your cervix! Nothing else!)? I'm not trying to downplay its importance but seriously why is there so much pressure put on people over this one screening?
I can say from my own experience that I put off going to a gynecologist in the first place because of similar shame-y behavior to this, and this energy also made me failing to complete the procedure so much harder. I felt like a failure. I felt like I wasted everyone's time and that I was broken. The only person who doesn't seem concerned about my inability to complete the pap is my actual gynecologist! I saw her again today, told her about my lack of progress with the dilators, asked to skip attempting the pap/speculum exam today, and apologized for wasting her time. She cut me off, looked me directly in the eyes, and said "you would not be wasting my time! You run the show here, not me! If you wanted to try to do the exam and it didn't work, that's fine. If you wanted to skip it entirely and just do the breast exam, that's fine. We only do what you're comfortable with." I felt like I was going to burst into tears. She's the only person who has shown me any compassion regarding my situation, which is wild because according to everyone else she should be the person most disappointed in me/worried about my life being on the line. I just don't understand why everyone else can't be more like her. I don't mean like brush off the test entirely, either. I just mean I wish more people and doctors would meet patients where they are at. I wish they would go over risk factors and help people make informed choices regarding their situations instead of making others feel like me.
I'm just frustrated about this and I feel like some of the emotions I have regarding the pap are hindering my progress with the dilators. I feel like I'm developing vaginismus or something on top of my existing condition as a result of all the pressure and fear mongering. I literally apologized to my gynecologist today out of guilt. I can't be the only person out there who feels this way, can I? Am I overreacting? Am I even making sense? I just feel kind of crazy
