Scarleteen

I guess background information is in order.

1. I'm transmasculine. (Might be relevant, but I'm also like 90% sure I'm gay).
2. I'm nearly 18 and have never been to the gynecologist. Doctors recommend going between the ages of 13 and 15, but I've been putting it off for years. My parents have been fairly understanding, but the expectation/requirement that I'll go once I reach 18 still stands.
3. I've briefly talked about it with primary care doctors in the past, but those conversations were brief and not very helpful.

When it comes to my sexual healthcare, I've only really had two different responses/types of doctors (regardless of whether I was out or not).
The first would place a rather uncomfortable focus on my fertility, and stress gynecological care in the frame of fertility. Because of course I, a literal teenager who is openly mentally distraught at the thought, would willingly get pregnant!
The second would say things along the lines of "everyone's afraid of going to the gynecologist and everyone thinks it hurts, so you just have to suck it up".

I suppose, on top of the fear of dysphoria caused by gynecological care, I'm also afraid of pregnancy. I mean, for years, I've had vivid nightmares about getting pregnant.
I don't think I'll be sexually active anytime soon. I'm too insecure to try.

But bringing up sexual activity just makes this more complicated. Since I see myself only really having sex with men, I would be at higher risk for things like HIV, right? But there's the possibility that, because of my sex, no doctor would prescribe me PreP or other HIV-preventative stuff.

I know that if I don't go, I'll be risking my health and cervical cancer and all of that. And it's stupid, but my mind just keeps going, "well, I'd rather die!" "I'd rather die from cancer alone than be routinely humiliated and dehumanized by doctors."
But it's not like it's only gynecologists that have/could humiliated me. I know I'm supposed to trust doctors. But I'm still afraid of them more than anything else.

And the other patients! I can only imagine what the other patients would say about me if I stepped foot into a gynecologist office.
The further my transition goes, the worse this problem will get.
I feel like I'm never going to escape the pain and humiliation medical systems have caused me. And going to the gynecologist is just another step on a never-ending journey of pain.

So, I guess what I'm really asking is: how do I force myself to go through with this? How do I get through it without breaking down and embarrassing myself?

Hey there, LopezMonty. As an agender person, I can relate to a lot of this. Going through trying to get care for menopause as a non-cishet woman has been my most recent bunch of super-not-fun experiences with the giant UGH that is being in a body that so many people just presume is the body of someone with feminine gender and female sex, and continue to act like it, even when you correct them.

My best advice for you is to see if you can't find a trans-health-specific provider for all of your sexual/reproductive healthcare. By all means, you can still get care at most OB/GYN offices, and sometimes that care will even come from someone who knows how to be inclusive, and from a clinic that doesn't misgender you from the front or create dysphoric feelings just by stepping in the door. Spain is pretty decent when it comes to trans health: would you like some help trying to find specifically trans-serving healthcare providers for this?

We can still talk about how to manage this and other kinds of care when you can't get trans-specific care, but if you can, I personally don't see any reason to put yourself through experiences where people aren't trans-inclusive or at least trans-literate, you know?