Scarleteen

I recently found out from my best friend, that when we we're 12-ish i touched her inappropriately. I have the faintest memory of this, and she told me how at that time she couldnt set boundaries and was scared to say no, and i dont remember getting any negative signals from her. I had also been abused at that age and i geuinely didnt know better, but saying that feels like im downplaying my own actions. We did talk it out, and she said she doesnt blame and that shes forgiven me a long time ago. I just feel really bad that i did that and didn't know for years. I am gonna try to talk to my psychiatrist about this but my appointment is a while away. I still feel horrible, even though my friend isnt mad at me for it. Is there any advice on how to work through this? Am i a bad person because of it?

Hi there, altralz.

It sounds to me like your best friend has been pretty clear with you that this isn't something she has held on to, nor something she holds you any more responsible for than it sounds like you were. I also would not call this child-on-child sexual abuse. Touching someone once in a way they didn't like or know how to say no to or tell you they didn't like when you both were children is a mistake, not abuse, which tends to be something that both a) requires some intention of control, power or harm, and b) also usually is a pattern, not a one-off. I also hear that you're very concerned about doing right by your friend and being sure you're not evading responsibility. That's not how people who abuse other people think, at all. Quite the opposite. To boot, I sincerely doubt your best friend would have stayed your best friend had you actually abused her. It sounds like you two have a mutually supportive and caring relationship where you can both be very honest with each other, including things like her feeling so safe and able to tell you this: abusive people don't tend to be able to build those kinds of relationships.

Unless there's something in all of this you aren't sharing, I don't see any evidence here that you are or have been an abusive person or a bad person. I'm also hearing from you that the actually-abused person between the two of you was you, so I think that you want to, and should, give yourself some extra grace here. I'm so sorry that you experienced whatever kind of abuse you did as a child. <3

Psychiatrists usually focus on treating mental illness with things like medications: is yours also a talk therapist? I ask because while I see nothing wrong with talking to them about this, I'm not sure they will be able to offer you the kind of support you're looking for unless they also do talk therapy. If they aren't, you can probably ask them to refer you to a talk therapist for extra help with this.

In the meantime, what do you think you need for yourself to get some resolution with this and let it go?