Masc-leaning and straight

[secretlyhornie]

Hello! I'm 16F (my birthday is just around the corner) and cishet, and I don't know exactly when but I sort of realized I was gender non-conforming in my identity through certain niche communities on the internet recently, specifically masc-leaning rather than the normative fem. This post is gonna be a bit ranty but it's kind of hard to grasp your newly-found identity that is certainly against the conformity and there's little stories out there about people like me beyond the term "tomboy" (the same goes to fem het/bi boys).

I'm pretty neutral in terms of behaviour but I've always had a discomfort/indifference toward femininity like make-up and dresses or not related to fem women. I did take internalised misogyny into account, because I'd gone through the "not like other girls" before which is embarrassing, except that discomfort never goes away. I kept agonizing over myself, afraid that it was internalised misogyny, so I sucked it up, not knowing that there are other options (what do you expect from the cishet society?) Anyway, I found this niche community and decided to dig deeper, realised I'm not alone and here I am

I guess my concern is that I'm a bit afraid of presenting more masculine. Aside from the fact that society doesn't like masc girls and that my closet consists of only shirts and pants and shorts, I've tried wearing more masc clothes before, the latest attempt being that I wore a short-sleeve unbuttoned shirt over my shirt in a special event and felt so embarrassed and self-consious that I kinda don't want to do it again, even though my friends are really supportive but I don't know. Like guys and some girls literally just wore a shirt and pants and I'm being anxious over what? I also think people won't take me seriously, like I'm just another quirky tomboyish girl that will eventually become feminine, esp if I have a boyfriend. Last but not least, there's the feeling of imposter syndrome, like maybe I will become fem and realise I'm not masc or sth.

[Sofi]

Hi secretlyhornie, welcome to the boards! I'm glad you found us.

I'm hearing a lot of gender stereotypes and a lot of maybe mixing up gender with gender expression. I wonder where you've heard some of these things, for example, that if you dress "masculine" but are a cis woman, you're just eventually going to become "feminine"?

I also see a lot of shame and embarrassment you feel when expressing yourself in the way you feel most comfortable, which is not fun. Where do you think this comes from? You mentioned your friends are supportive and no one around really cared, so it sounds like it's coming from your programming and beliefs. Did your family make you feel like it's embarrassing for a woman to wear pants and a button down shirt? Did you hear someone else say that? Figuring out the root of shame can really help towards undoing it.

I'd love you to read this advice column: Do these pants make me (look) trans? and let me know what your thoughts are after doing so. I think it will be useful in helping you sort through some of the confusion you're feeling. <3

[secretlyhornie]

Thanks for responding! I've read the advice column and the funny thing is I used to identify as transgender, even non-binary, for some time, as a result, I did a lot of research about gender before concluding that I feel most comfortable identifying as a girl and know pretty much all the things that the advice column says. The post is interesting and very true though.

Anyway, I will elaborate my points a bit. The women in my family are very feminine and they expect femininity from girls, especially my mom and my sister. It's a repeating pattern that they would say sth very questionable about other women that don't fit their high standard, those who are feminine but not conventionally attractive enough, let alone masculine women. I feel like the only reason my family tolerate my non-femininity is that they hope I will have a glow up in the future, just like my beautiful womanly woman sister. They *technically* don't tell that straight up to my face, that they don't accept any masculine girl in this house, but the way my mom and sister would hyperfocus on femininity and shame anything that's not and all that, unfortunately my closest family is most likely where my insecurity and shame comes from.

Also, you said that I was "mixing up gender with gender expression" but I'm not seeing it? I suppose it was the part where I wrote "I was gender non-conforming in my identity" that is confusing. I meant that gender non-conformity is part of my identity regardless of my presentation if that makes sense. I feel neutral most of the time but I'm also leaning toward masculinity or prefer that way and I want people to acknowledge that even if I don't look "masc".

About the button down shirt, I said I felt embarrassed and self-consious, it's just that I kinda looked dumb and felt stupid because of thatLike I'm not cool enough or built for wearing more masc clothes.