Scarleteen

Hello all,

I'm reaching out to ask for some advice at better managing conflicts. For context, I'm an adult living at home. I overall would say that I have a good relationship with my parents, but some times it is hard. There have been a few changes lately (can elaborate if needed) that have made things a little more stressful.

One issue is that it's difficult for me to communicate my frustrations in an appropriate way. When something bothers me, I revert to explaining the problem (because teacher training). It's my anger management technique, but it comes off as condescending (can provide an example if needed). Is there a better way to go about this?

Thanks everyone!

Hi Raffles! Looking back to your older posts, you mentioned that your parents just announced their separation last month. Are there any updates to the situation that affects your current issue? Would love to hear you elaborate more on this.

When it comes to managing conflicts, there isn't a one fixed solution that will solve all of them, as you probably have guessed. For some people, explaining where the issue lies can help them recognize their mistakes and take accountability. But as you've said, this approach can also come across as condescending, especially if this person sees themself as older or more experienced than the person doing the explaining. Have you heard of "I-statements"? It's a cliche one, sure, but it's often seen as a good way of expressing how we feel without assuming the intentions or character of the other person. For example, instead of saying "I hate that you don't wash the dishes as soon as everyone finishes eating; are you lazy?" you can say "I feel uncomfortable seeing the dishes pile up in the wash basin, and it's hard for me to do it first thing in the morning." But again, this may not work well for everyone, particularly if they think using such approach is pretentious. When you mentioned that you can come across as condescending, was this something someone else has said to you or was it your own judgment of your actions?

It's useful to consider other factors too. Sometimes, when we immediately try to resolve the conflict as it arises, we and the other person in the conflict may not be our most rational and thoughtful selves, and that can lead to us saying things we might regret later. If the circumstances allow for it, it might be helpful for us to take a step back from the situation, calm ourselves, and collect our thoughts. How do we actually feel?

We have some articles about managing conflict you can read: this one Be Your Own Superhero: Learning How and When to Stand Up for Ourselves and this one How to Clash with Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics. Again, there isn't a one-stop solution for this, but we can definitely discuss any of the points mentioned in the articles.