Scarleteen

As far as I can remember I have never felt sexually attracted towards boys, only to girls. The idea of gay sex or male bodies somewhat disgusted me, whereas female bodies would often make me feel aroused. I've never had crushes on boys before, whereas I have on girls, many of which were attached with sexual feelings towards them (although nothing happened with any of them).

However, over the past couple of weeks I met a gay mutual friend of mine and while hanging out I had a really strong desire to hold his hand and cuddle him which has since turned into a pretty strong crush. However, I wouldn't really say that I have any sexual feelings towards him (the idea of gay sex still makes me quite uncomfortable). We've been messaging each other a lot some of which feels a lot like flirting and have been quite emotionally intimate with each other.

I suppose this is more of a braindump than a question but I don't know whether or not to pursue a relationship with this person. I do really like him and want to be more physically intimate with him but also feel bad that I would be leading him on for disappointment if a potential relationship never went further. At the same time, my own sexual desire probably wouldn't be fulfilled by him as I still kind of want intimate sexual experiences with girls.

I have done some research into this whole concept and have learned about the split attraction model, and although the whole thing is still confusing I guess I might describe myself as a biromantic heterosexual. However I suppose I'm looking for more practical advice for my feelings towards the boy I'm referring to.

Hey zebraduck! Great to see you back here

Sexual and romantic attraction are things that can grow and develop over time as you meet new people and gain more life experience, and it sounds like you may be experiencing some of that development right now! I hear you that you hadn’t experienced attraction towards men before but now this new friend is piquing your interest. I just want you to know this is a normal part of development (to meet new people and develop new feelings you hadn’t had before), I’m glad you’re experiencing this, and I also want you to know that this doesn’t mean you have to put a stamp on anything or solidify anything right now. The best thing you can do is continue to hang out with him and get to know him more, noticing how you feel each time.

At this point, it seems like you two are in the phase of getting to know each other more and spending more time together. I don’t think now is the time to put stress on yourself in worrying whether or not to pursue a full romantic and/or sexual relationship with him, but I certainly think it’s worth taking note of these feelings as you continue to hang out with him more.

In terms of physical intimacy, it really is okay to be physically intimate with someone without the intention of a full blown relationship *if* you communicate with them about it. How would it sound to you to talk to him about hanging out more and maybe initiating physical intimacy, while also communicating with him that you’re experiencing something new and would like to take it slow. The split attraction model you mentioned is correct — while romantic and sexual attraction are canonically viewed as working together, they are distinct feelings and can exist independent of one another. You really have all the flexibility here to explore your attraction if you communicate about it with your partner(s). Know what I mean?