Scarleteen

ever since coming to the realization that i think im a lesbian about maybe a little under a year ago after identifying as bisexual for a decade, i haven’t been able to stop obsessing about whether or not im right. like in my heart i feel like i am lesbian, but i keep doubting myself and second guessing and trying to like evaluate myself and test to see if i am attracted to men or if i want to date a man. because i feel scared about like what if i say im a lesbian and then one day i have some grand realization that i do like men and i can suddenly see myself ending up with a man, and then i have to go around and be like “oops i guess i was wrong im not actually gay”. but when i try to take away my self-doubt and stop obsessing over it, i do think im a lesbian. like i want to date and be with a woman, i want to have sex with a woman, im attracted to women (which i identify during times when i look at women and think “what she did was so hot” or im admiring how her body looks or im fantasizing about kissing her, etc.). on the other hand, i don’t want these things with men. i don’t want to have sex with men, in fact the idea of penetrative sex with a man grosses me out and freaks me out and doesn’t seem appealing. i don’t want to end up dating a man or being with a man because i just don’t enjoy being around men. i kinda feel like why would i be with a man when i could be with a woman? i think where i start to doubt myself is during times when i see an attractive man and recognize that he’s attractive and good looking, but during those times, i don’t think i’m feeling attracted TO him, i think im just being able to see that he’s a conventionally good looking man like everyone can recognize when people look good without necessarily being sexually attracted to them. but i think i get that confused with being attracted to them because whenever i felt “attracted” to a man in the past it’s always been centred around how that man is perceiving me and im thinking about how i want him to think of me. i would be like “that’s a hot guy i hope he’s watching me and thinking that im really pretty or funny or whatever it may be”, which i think in reality is just wanting male attention and validation because as girls and women we’re taught that that is what we need to i guess find value within ourselves. but now when i find myself feeling attracted to women, it’s always me thinking something like “she is so beautiful, she’s so sexy, what she just did was so hot”. so it’s a difference between wanting to be seen as attractive by men and make myself look good for them vs. me actually finding women attractive and focusing on what i like about them.

also i feel like i have the opposite experience that i’ve seen a lot of other “later in life lesbians” share. i mostly see women say that they always knew they were into girls and didn’t really care for guys, that maybe they just chose a random boy to have a crush on in school because they didn’t have genuine interest in any but saw their friends having crushes and that they never really noticed cute boys, that deep down they always knew they didn’t like boys, etc. but my experience is that i have always been “interested” in boys - i had crushes on boys growing up, i’ve been “attracted” to boys/men and when i identified as bisexual, there was a time when i believed that i preferred men to women. now as i’ve done a lot of work to deconstruct my male centeredness and desire for make validation i think i understand why i was that was as i’ve previously mentioned, but i think because i can’t relate in this way to other lesbians, it makes me question wether my early experiences mean im not actually lesbian.

my fear around calling myself a lesbian and coming out to my family as a lesbian is just that one day im gonna realize i’m not a lesbian and find myself attracted to a man and wanting to be with him, and then having to admit that i wasn’t actually a lesbian.

im hoping someone might be able to offer me advice on wether it’s common for other lesbians to doubt themselves and their attraction to men/wanting male attention, and if my early experiences may actually indicate that im wrong about my sexuality.

Hey cornpop,

I can relate to a lot of your worries and concerns as someone who has had obsessive thoughts and compulsions around sexual orientation since I was very young. I was actually just thinking about writing some longer form piece around this experience and how to manage uncertainty around sexuality this morning!

Sexual orientation is not a diagnosis. We don’t (and I wouldn’t want to!) administer tests to figure out what someone’s true orientation is. In my beliefs, informed by reading a lot of queer theory, sexual orientation is something that is extremely social and cultural. Nobody will ever be able to have absolute certainty about their sexuality, in my opinion. Gender is fluid, sexuality is fluid, and rigid boxes can’t encompass the way we actually live in the world.

I don’t see a reality in which you would need to tell people you were wrong about being gay. You clearly have a deep desire and attraction to being with women. If you ever found yourself very attracted to a man, wanting to date a man, or even dating a man, that wouldn’t take that away. I think that we see a lot of very purist language around attraction and desire and what it means about sexual orientation.

In your own words, “i want to date and be with a woman, i want to have sex with a woman, im attracted to women (which i identify during times when i look at women and think “what she did was so hot” or im admiring how her body looks or im fantasizing about kissing her, etc.). on the other hand, i don’t want these things with men.”

Even if you did find yourself experiencing some attraction to a man, that doesn’t mean you need to pursue that. It sounds like you don’t want that, so you don’t ever need to do that. If using the word ‘lesbian’ for yourself feels like the most accurate and affirming way to describe yourself, I think you should use that word.

I want to focus more on this experience of obsession and testing/evaluating yourself. From my personal experience, that is a really difficult thing to experience, and deserves some kind of intervention. To note, I do not have the qualifications, desire, nor nearly enough knowledge of you to do any kind of diagnosing, but, I think resources made for people with Sexual Orientation OCD (SO-OCD) could potentially be helpful to you. Two things I really don’t like about a lot of SO-OCD resources is they tend to be made for straight people who are worried they aren’t straight, and that they draw on this idea that sexuality is fixed and immutable. I don’t click with that and I think understanding queerness can be so healing and helpful for those of us struggling with these types of constant worries about ourselves, alongside getting help for constant obsessive thoughts.

Again, sexuality is not something we test for. For me, letting go of trying to have an answer about my sexual orientation, and instead, just letting myself experience it, has been really helpful and peaceful. I still absolutely experience obsessions and compulsions around these things, but so much less. And I have been able to maintain affinity and community and connection with other queer people, which at least for me has only ever re-affirmed how diverse our sexualities are.

Let’s say you did have a grand, sudden realization that you liked men a whole lot and wanted to be with a man. What do you feel like would be the worst part of that? You mentioned telling other people you were “wrong” about yourself a few times in your post- is that especially scary to you? Can you imagine someone you love telling you they learned something new or different about themself- how would you react?