Scarleteen

i love my girlfriend with all of my heart, i love every single little thing about her. but recently, around 4 days ago, i had a mental breakdown in front of her, and ever since then, she hasn’t been in the right mindset to do anything sexual or intimate with me. i’m not mad at her for feeling that way, and i think if i ever did get mad at her for it I would deserve the worst. but it’s really hard and overwhelming to adjust so suddenly from getting off with her every single day and her telling me that if i ever needed help with getting off that she was right there for me to not doing anything at all. i feel selfish and terrible and like a monster for thinking about everything while i’m going through this because at this point I'm so dependent on something intimate happening every single day and now that it's stopped mainly because i got upset it feels like i've been being punished and that it'll never happen again and that it's all my fault. i don't know how to stop feeling like i'm being punished because it feels like i'm dealing with withdrawal and i don't know how to handle it and the more and more it feels like it's not being handled the more upset and terrible and out of control i feel. i don't know how to describe it but i've been almost dependent on my girlfriend and i having intimate moments every single day. like i said before, i’m not really upset or mad about her saying no, nor do i want to pressure her into saying yes, it's moreso that I want her to feel enthusiastic and happy about doing it with me like how she used to feel about it. i don't know what to do with myself, i’ve already tried going from hotline to hotline and it feels like none of them have given me any good advice, so this is my last resort. please help me

Hey there. Welcome to the boards. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

I want to start by making clear that we can't ever -- and shouldn't -- rely on a partner to be sexual with us every day, or on any particular schedule. For sex to be truly consensual, and for us to be in emotionally healthy sexual relationships with each other, sex always has to feel wholly optional, something we can do or not do, say yes or say no to, anytime, and have a partner accept even if they're disappointed because they wanted to be sexual. It's also not usually okay to ask a partner to be a stand-in for masturbation because we haven't yet figured out how to do it ourselves. Sex we just want for ourselves needs to be sex we just do ourselves, because when other people are involved, it needs to be about all of us, not just one, you know?

So, it sounds like even before this, some of your sexual life together was built on some unsustainable and emotionally unhealthy ideas -- like the idea that your partner will be or should be available for you any time you want to get off. In other words, even without you having a breakdown, this wasn't going to keep going like it has been, which is good, because it really shouldn't.

You're neither terrible nor selfish nor a monster, though, to feel disappointed that your partner needs at least a few days away from sex when you want to be sexual with them. I suspect, too, that that desire for the closeness of sex might feel even stronger for you because you might be looking to it to reassure you that your girlfriend still feels connected to you and still wants to be close to you. Being in a breakdown, be it alone or with someone else, is a very vulnerable space to be in. I'm sorry about whatever has been going on in your life or your head that got you to that point. <3

I also doubt you're being punished. What seems much more likely is that your girlfriend may need some space to process what she witnessed, or she's trying to step back so you can first be in a healthier headspace before intimacy, or...well, something else. By all means, this is not only something you can ask her about (so long as you can do that without exerting any pressure on her to be sexual), it's something you two probably should talk about. What does she need or want for herself after your breakdown? What do you want or need? How can you both get those wants or needs met in ways that work for you both? What can you change about your sexual expectations and dynamics moving forward so that sex feels like something that's about connection and shared pleasure, not about dependency or desperation? I think all of these things would be good things to talk about together.

To be clear, you aren't dealing with withdrawal. There's no such thing when it comes to sex and sexuality. There are neurochemicals involved when we have sex, but a) some of those are still in our bodies when we aren't, and b) there are other ways to raise the levels of those neurochemicals besides sex. Sex is a want, not a need, like eating or breathing, so feelings of desperation around it aren't about something like chemical addiction or a basic need not being met. Do you think that the intense feelings of need you are having are really about not having an orgasm or a sexual experience from a physical perspective? Or do you think this is more about feeling like you aren't getting the emotional intimacy that sex together gave you?

I do think it's important to remind yourself that it's only been a few days, and you both getting a few days of any kind of space after one of you has had a serious mental health event is actually pretty wise. I'd not make what is happening now bigger than it is. It has only been a few days and it's normal for people who are sexual together to have many times when they aren't sexual for one reason or another for a few days or more, especially once a relationship is past the brand-new stage. <3

How are you feeling when it comes to your mental health, while we're here? Were you able to get any kind of therapeutic support during or after that breakdown? Do you have any sense of what set it off?

i don’t have any access to therapy, and every time i’ve went to therapy they don’t take me seriously. most of the time i have mental breakdowns over little things that can set me off, but most of the time, i don’t blame my girlfriend. it feels too wrong for me to just blame her for the things going on in my head.

i don’t replace masturbation with her, nor do i treat her like some sort of tool to help me get off. i try my best to avoid doing that because that would be horrible and i would be a monster for doing that. i mean i can get off without her, but thinking about it and actually doing so fills me with guilty feelings. as if i’m cheating on her by dealing with it myself or something like that. it’s probably because i’ve been more emotional lately, but sometimes i’ve sobbed my eyes out at the thought of masturbating by myself. it’s really hard to describe it, but it feels like i’ve grown so used to her helping me masturbate, so used to that emotional closeness, so used to hearing “if you ever need my help, i’ll always be right here!” instead of being told no, that the second things change, it feels overwhelming and sudden and almost too much for me to handle in the span of a few days.

i don’t want the act of sex to feel like something I’m dependent on or something that’s a routine for me just because of the emotional closeness it brings to me, because if i start to think like that, i feel and i probably act selfish, and it’ll feel like i’m being punished, and I’ll feel guilty and it ruins the magic and fun out of doing it. i’ve talked with her about it, though, and we both find that romantic closeness helps fill in the gaps. even then, it’s easy to turn me on by being romantic to me, and sometimes i start crying because the overwhelming feeling of being turned on is a lot for me to handle with everything going on between us. i really have no idea how to cope with such a big change besides for that.

i don’t know how much sense all of this makes, i was never the best at wording things, but i hope that makes just a little sense

Hi iheartkena,

I have a few thoughts reading through your reply to Heather.

Firstly, it is true that sex can be an emotional thing. The chemicals our bodies release and the closeness we may feel with another person can make it feel like a very emotional experience. It does sound like the powerful emotions you are experiencing are less to do about sex and more to do with some other cause. Crying after an orgasm because of powerful feelings is different that crying at the idea of masturbating.

On that note, have you ever talked to your partner about how she feels about masturbation? Having sex with yourself is healthy even inside sexual relationships and can help especially when desire among parties is not lining up for whatever reason. For many people, masturbation is its own separate desire outside of partnered sex whether it is a form of self care or something else.

It sounds like these struggles you are experiencing are not issues with your relationship or sexuality but rather your mental health. I know you say therapy has been bad in the past, and I do understand that frustration, but sometimes finding a therapist we connect with takes time. Still, that time is so worth it when we can work on things like those overwhelming feelings you've described. How have you accessed therapy in the past?