Scarleteen

Hi
So I think I've landed myself in some hot water. I met this guy on a dating app. We had one conversation on the chat function before I deleted the app because it wasn't so great for my mental health. I didn't talk to him first, I just ghosted.
The following Sunday he turned up at my church (we had told each other what churches we go to). For a couple of weeks we just sort of looked at each other and smiled and that was it. I was a little freaked out and I kept swinging between ignoring him and smiling at him (I didn't really want to piss him off). A friend of mine at church told me about him and I was able to confirm it was the same guy from the dating app.
He then began to turn up at the Young Adults group I attend. He talked to me a little bit but nothing worth writing home about.
Fast forward to last Sunday. He asks if he can sit beside me after church had finished. I said sure. He then showed me a note he had written. It basically said he wasn't good at talking to women and he wanted to know if him being at church was making me uncomfortable. He wrote that if it was, he would stop coming. At the bottom of the note, he had drawn two boxes with no written next to one and yes written next to the other. And like a people pleasing complete idiot I ticked no (as in no he definitely wasn't making me uncomfortable), and THEN! to just be even more of an idiot I GAVE HIM MY NUMBER after he said he wanted to get to know me better.
He has since tried to ask me out, flirted, and asked if he could sit with me at church. I tell him no (its so much easier to do that over text). I'm trying to send the message that we can be 'friends only.' But there has been a time or two where I've responded positively to a compliment he has given me. It feels like I'm leading him on and being a piece of work. Any advice???
Thanks for reading.

Hi there, Bethcinders

Don't be upset with yourself. You are not an idiot, and you haven't led this guy on by giving him your number or responding positively to compliments--people do those things with friends and acquaintances all the time. It just sounds like you are engaged in the inherently difficult task of balancing holding your boundaries with the possibility that this guy might react poorly to being rejected. We can help you evaluate the likelihood of that possibility and what you could do to manage any risks that do exist, but I hope that you will look at your own actions with compassion and see that you do have good reasons for for them.

To start, I'd like to ask more about the interactions you are having with this guy, and about your church:

• It might have a benign explanation, but it is strange that he showed up at your church. Has he shared why he left his previous church?

• You've mentioned saying no to sitting together or going out, and not flirting, but it sounds like he hasn't responded to that by backing off. That is notable, because it shows that for some reason he isn't listening--he should stop pursuing you when you haven't shown interest. Explicitly saying that you don't want romance/want to be friends is the clearest way to communicate and should leave no room for ambiguity. Is that something you've tried/something you would like to try? In your assessment, what might happen if you told him that?

• How do you feel about the community at your church? Do you think people like your friend would support you if this guy did react badly to being rejected?

• If you had things your way, and did not have to worry about pleasing this guy, how much would you interact with him? Would you text him/talk at church/be friends?

I said earlier that your actions are essentially friendly and not necessarily romantic, but I should add that you could do things more widely considered to involve romantic intent--like flirting back or agreeing to go out with him--and decide not to continue that dynamic at any point. You still would not be leading him on, because having positive interactions with someone or exploring the possibility of a relationship with them is not the same thing as manipulating them. It would be unreasonable for this guy to decide that you are manipulating him by responding well to compliments and giving him your phone number, so you can't hold yourself responsible if he does do that. Does that make sense?