Scarleteen

So, I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. It has been very rocky, and we have broken up once because I thought I could be a lesbian, and before we dated, I was actually identifying as a lesbian. I have known that I was attracted to women since I was 12 years old. I am 23, almost 24 now for reference, and when I was 15, I actually identified as a lesbian and flip-flopped between bisexual and lesbian between 15 and 22.

The thing is, when I was 15, I adored the label; I felt at home with the label, I felt comfortable, and like I finally found what fit me. I was never particularly attracted to men, at least not real ones; I hardly even got crushes on celebrities and when I look back at anything I thought was a crush at the time I feel I was doing it because others girl did and I kind of thought the boy bands for example were cute but my interest would go away so quickly within a few weeks to months I’d completely stop caring like I never cared in the first place, but I'd get crushes on a lot of fictional men, and this caused me to feel like I couldn't say I was a lesbian, as well as mistaking anxiety I felt around men for attraction, or thinking because I found a guy kind of cute I must have a crush even though the thought of it made me anxious. I also would let boys flirt with me, because I enjoyed the attention and it made me feel attractive and like someone wanted me and that it was just normal, it was sort of a game to me anyway and I’d lead them on because I liked the attention and then get terrified and ghost them if I thought they’d ask me out, and when I was very young teenager/pre-teen I’d say yes just because I felt bad and scared to say no, and then a day or week later I’d ghost them or leave.

I adore lesbian media as well as the culture; I'd study and look into lesbian history so much, and I felt so connected and intertwined with it. I miss the label so so so so so much; it has felt like the only label that I've truly deeply and genuinely felt at home with. I love watching romance movies with lesbians in them; I get emotional and feel so connected and seen, but I never feel like this with heterosexual romance films, and I don't enjoy them half as much as lesbian ones. I relate to what a lot of lesbians say when they talk about what it felt like and how they realized they were lesbians.

The thing is, as I said, I have a boyfriend. As I mentioned, we've been together a year and a half, but last year, we broke up for a month because I thought I could be a lesbian. Then I asked him out again because I was grieving and missing the connection, love, and attention I got from him, even though at the same time during our breakup I was considering cutting ties with him, and honestly felt annoyed with him most of the time. Still, I couldn't get myself to because I felt too guilty. The thing is, since we've been together, we have almost broken up three times because I have questioned if I was a lesbian, and the third time was actually recent, as in this week. The reason we haven't broken up officially is that my boyfriend, every time I bring this up, it turns into a mental health talk; my boyfriend constantly blames my OCD for these thoughts.

BUT I know this isn't my OCD. While I am diagnosed, I know that this isn't OCD because the thoughts do not cause me distress, fear, or anxiety. The only anxiety I feel is from the fact that I know I will have to break up with my boyfriend if I am a lesbian, and knowing it’ll hurt him and I’ll lose a best friend. I have doubts, but they are mostly caused by my boyfriend constantly shutting me down and telling me it's OCD, and every time it just makes me shut my mouth, even though I'm very positive about what my truth is. I know what intrusive thoughts feel like and how they make me feel, but my thoughts about being a lesbian do not make me feel like this; in fact, they make me feel happy, relieved, joyful, and positive about the future. It's something that I DESIRE.

I used to cry and cry and cry because I felt I'd never be able to marry a woman or experience having a girlfriend, to have a life where I grow older with a woman, and we have a life together; that has always sounded so much better to me than doing any of that with a man. But I felt like I'd never get that, so I'd just hope that maybe in the next life that I'd get to experience that if I was lucky enough.

And as guilty as it makes me feel, I don't feel attracted to my boyfriend, physically or sexually, and I don't think romantically either. I get anxious and dread receiving photos from him. I can't bring myself to masturbate to him. As guilty as it makes me feel, I've turned to looking at women to be able to masturbate properly, and I've found looking at women sexually makes my body react in such a way that it hasn't with men or my boyfriend; I actually get aroused and enjoy myself compared to when I try masturbating to my boyfriend, my body just doesn’t totally react the same. And a lot of the time I feel like if my boyfriend was a woman, it would be better, but that's just not the reality. I feel like it’d also be worth mentioning that when I asked my boyfriend out, I kind of felt pressured to by my friends at the time. I backed out at first, then asked again out of anxiety, I think. I just wanted someone to care about me, to know what it felt like to be loved, because other people were doing it.

My boyfriend and I are also long-distance, and we haven't met in person yet, and I actually dread meeting up in person because I know that means we will kiss, get intimate, be close, and all that sort of stuff, and I don't think I want that. We were supposed to meet up in August, but it got pushed back to the end of this year, and I felt so much relief knowing I wouldn't have to go through the process of seeing him and then having to face what we'd end up doing together. But I often feel pressure that I should at least try to see how I feel, even though I feel very anxious about it and don't really want to do it. My boyfriend mentions us moving in, getting married, having a life together, and growing older together, and I know I should feel excited about it, but it just makes me feel anxiety and dread.


I feel so deeply that I'm a lesbian I adore women, and I have for as long as I can remember even when I was a kid I had moments that I look back at now and be like oh yeah, you were into girls, but I feel guilty; I feel scared that I'll make a mistake and that I'll lose someone important to me because I made a stupid choice, even though deep inside me it feels like the right choice, and that it'll be better for him and me. I also have so much doubt because my boyfriend constantly drills it into my head that my feelings about being a lesbian are just related to my OCD, even though this is how I've felt for a long time, and I used to identify that way and have loved women for so so so long. I have completely tried to ignore and push down my attraction to women since getting with my boyfriend, but it just hasn't worked at all, and it comes back stronger and stronger each time.

I’d really appreciate any advice or input, because I feel so stuck and frustrated and scared. Thank you to anyone who reads through all of this; I know there's a lot.

Hi sweetrollsbeans,

It sounds like you're experiencing some pretty complicated feeling toward your sexuality and how it impacts your current relationship. It seems very clear that you feel a connection to your idea of "lesbianism," but also have to navigate all of this with a boyfriend who is under the impression it's due to OCD. This is undeniably emotionally tricky so if you can, try and cut yourself some slack and take things a day at a time.

First of all, I want to break this down into two main categories of concern. 1) the connection to lesbianism, and then 2) your relationship to your boyfriend. They both obviously influence each other in general, but I do think there may be some benefit in seeing them as separate issues.

So, 1) I'm hearing you highlight a number of things that you identify as lesbian, and how important bonds to those things are for you, things like lesbian movies, history, and most significantly, the label. Now, there are tons of people who very aligned with a label when it's described to them and have an easy time integrating it into their lives. A very very common worry with labels though is that instead of trying to fit the label into your life, people sometimes try to fit themselves into the pre-defined label. This can cause feelings of not belonging, low self-esteem, or the idea that you're not enough to be a "real" lesbian. In reality, labels are just what we make them. It's true that everyone has a different opinion on what they mean, and some people try to be very convincing that one way is the "right" way to be, but actually you get to decide who you want be and how to express yourself. Nobody can do that for you, not even your boyfriend. If lesbianism feels like the right term for you, I say go for it. The term "lesbian" does tend to be exclusive to non-men but as i'm sure you're aware, sexuality is also pretty fluid and fundamentally distinct from the label we choose to describe it to others. It is "right" and authentic and correct in exactly the way you feel it right now. That might not determine "whether or not you're a lesbian," but again there really is no scale reference, right? There's no perfect lesbian or perfect heterosexual, there are only our feelings.

For more info on this topic, see:
I'm Gay No Matter Who I'm With
The Answers (For Now)

Now, 2) I want to really separate your relationship to your boyfriend from your feelings around sexuality. Like I mentioned, of course they interact, but overall, it really doesn't sound like you enjoy being with your partner. Regardless of his gender or sex, the way you talk about him does not make it seem like it's an exciting, loving, and pleasant relationship for you. I also challenge you to think about him for a moment (putting briefly aside his strange insistence that your sexuality is OCD, which it seems like it definitely is not), and realize that when you said "I feel like if my boyfriend was a woman, it would be better," that this is a form of wanting to fundamentally change him. One big thing that everybody's gotta learn at some point, we can never change fundamental parts of our partners, and it is hopeless to try. You should accept your partner for exactly who they are and actually desire a relationship with them to make it enjoyable for the both of you. I think it would be wise to really consider permanently breaking up with your boyfriend. I know it can be very sad to let long connections go but I urge you to think about what it might be like to feel you can define yourself however you please, and also allow him to find others who want him for exactly who he is already. Does that make sense?

I know this is a lot so don't hesitate to respond with thoughts, things you struggle with here, or questions about any of this. It can be so hard, we know. We're with you through this <3

Hi Anya,

Thanks so much for the response! It really means a lot, and everything you said gives me a lot of insight and kind of helps with all this nervousness and anxiety I've been feeling! It'll definitely be hard for me, but I think breaking up with him will be the best thing for both of us, and the fairest for us both so we can both live authentically and find people who can love us and we can love them as we and they deserve. Even if it'll hurt, I know that it's temporary!

And the articles you sent are super helpful too! Thank you so so much!

Hey, sweetrollsbeans. I'm so sorry that all of this has been so hard and so confusing for you. I'd like to add something to what Anya has offered you that I hope you'll find helpful, even if it might not feel so great to hear some of it.

I worry that what you have been doing with this guy might be giving you ideas about how a relationship with someone else might go -- particularly since you're suggesting you think things might be very different were his gender different -- that might be keeping you from actually pursuing what you want with women, or anyone else, for that matter.

I think it can be really hard to envision what a good, truly wanted, and actually-good-for-us relationship with someone might look like if our only experiences have been...well, not at all what actually enriching, mutually beneficial, and truly connected relationships tend to be like. As far as I can tell, you haven't yet had a relationship with someone you actually like and are actually into that is actually good for you and is something that makes you feel really good most of the time.

I also worry that you have, indeed, gotten yourself trapped in something that not only is part of what's keeping you from exploring the connections with women you truly want, it also seems like it's just generally bad for you in a few ways.

I'm not sure how you met this guy, what led you to calling him your boyfriend, or all of why you've stayed involved with him, but what I am hearing you say is:
• you feel annoyed with this person most of the time
• this has been very unstable and rocky the whole time
• you don't feel and have not ever felt attracted to him in any respect, and may even feel repulsed by him in some ways, and you feel guilty about that, which suggests to me that you feel obligated to feel those things for him
• he not only invalidates your history of sexual orientation, and your attraction to women, he routinely gaslights you and pathologizes it by suggesting it is a manifestation of mental illness
• you do not want to be physically or otherwise intimate with this person in any capacity
• loneliness seems to be the driver of your being in contact with him rather than actually wanting to have him in your life
• he has extensive, overblown and very self-centered fantasies of a future with you that aren't based in reality (especially since it doesn't sound like you have told him these are things you want): his ideals make you feel dread
• you don't feel at all able to be honest with him about your feelings when it comes to him
• you literally don't want to have so much as a first date with a person you're apparently in a relationship with (which is some of what confuses me when it comes to you treating this like a bonafide relationship), and have gone to some lengths to avoid meeting him.

It's hard for me to see this as a relationship that's any more than what sounds like a toxic quasi-friendship with what sounds like a toxic person, period, but if it is a relationship, what you have described here is a pretty awful one.

You said:

I used to cry and cry and cry because I felt I'd never be able to marry a woman or experience having a girlfriend, to have a life where I grow older with a woman, and we have a life together; that has always sounded so much better to me than doing any of that with a man. But I felt like I'd never get that, so I'd just hope that maybe in the next life that I'd get to experience that if I was lucky enough.

For sure, luck has something to do with what kind of love any of us find out here in the world, especially when it comes to timing. But right now, a lack of luck doesn't strike me as what's in your way. The primary barriers to this very possible thing you want and could absolutely have in this lifetime seem to me to be that you both won't let yourself accept what you really want and how you really feel, AND have the "help" of this guy who gaslights you by refusing to even let *you* think that your desires and feelings about women are real. But even more than all that, you've got yourself trapped in something that, at best, seems empty to the point of not being a thing at all, and at its worst, is something where the other person seems to be *trying* to trap you and, sadly, seems to have done a really good job of it with your unfortunate cooperation.

Like Anya, I'd encourage you to get out of this, and I'd encourage anyone in something like this to do that, whether or not there was a separate issue in the mix. Staying in something bad isn't good for anyone. <3