Scarleteen

Hi everyone,

I am 19 and recently graduated high school. I am starting to explore solo intimacy using sex ed guides to understand and manage my urges.

There is a longtime classmate of mine with whom I’ve had a "slow burn" connection. We have both acknowledged we have feelings for each other, but because we are moving to colleges far apart, we mutually decided not to get into a relationship right now.

My issue is that during solo intimacy, I occasionally have a fleeting thought or fantasy about him. When this happens, I am overwhelmed by intense guilt. I feel like I am violating him or crossing a boundary without his consent, especially because if roles were reversed, I wouldn't want someone thinking of me in a purely lustful way unless it was emotional.

I know I am probably overthinking this, but the fear of disrespecting him is making me feel terrible. Is it a violation of consent to think about a real person during solo sex? Am I alone in feeling this kind of conflict? I would really appreciate any advice or perspective on how to handle this guilt — it's killing me!

Hi there, welcome to the boards!

I can tell you’re feeling super guilty about all this so I want to start by assuring you that there’s nothing to feel guilt over. The thing about fantasies is they live in our head, so it can’t actually hurt someone to fantasize about them, if that makes sense. If you were objectifying them and seeing them solely as an object for your pleasure and not a human being then we could talk about why that’s problematic, but even then, you’re not actually harming the person directly if it’s just in your head, you know?

You clearly do like and respect your classmate as a whole human for more than just their looks or anything sexual. In that case, it isn’t purely lustful as you mentioned, and it’s perfectly okay to be aroused by someone you like - even if you’re not in a relationship. It’s also okay to think about them during solo sex, and that doesn’t violate any consent since, again, it lives in the privacy of your mind and isn’t harming them directly in any way.

Fantasies are actually a healthy way to engage with and explore our sexuality, as well as figure out our desires. The guilt you’re describing seems to possibly also involve some shame around sex and sexuality. Could that be the case? Do you think there’s some underlying shame about having sexual fantasies overall?

Thank you for welcoming me and taking the time to respond to my question! Your perspective brought me so much comfort.

I have been in this conflict with my own self mostly because of my own anxious character and the tendency to overthink even the smallest thing. All of it—from finishing high school, to acknowledgment of my feelings for him, to my own self-exploration—has happened all at once, leaving me quite overwhelmed.

What you said about healthy arousal and harmful objectification brings me comfort and validates the rational part of me. It helps me to remember that I see him for the amazing person he is, not as an object—and I am not going against my values. I really appreciate it.

As for your question about shame, I did some introspection to try and see everything that has been making it like this.

It wouldn't be wrong to say that I come from a society where sex ed is something considered as a taboo and students are not given any. In 7th grade, my biology teacher skipped the human reproduction topic entirely and told us to read it ourselves. My parents are luckily not conservative and are comfortable bringing out this topic ever since I was about 16 (not that we have full fledged open conversation on it). I am more spiritual than religious, and that aspect hasn't interfered in any way with my sex life. The situation is so bad at schools that a girl in our class did not know what a male genitalia is — that males and females are anatomically different due to their sexual organs until she was 18. I don't judge her — but I do judge the system and the upbringing she received that kept her in the dark for so long.

Any kind of sex ed was something I myself searched up online out of curiosity, from peers, or from reading a Webtoon named "Boo! It's Sex" (I highly recommend it to anyone — even for a fun read!). I definitely do not resonate with society's conservative ideologies, but I realize I might be carrying them out of habit anyway.

When I explore the fear of being "bad", I may be holding myself to an impossible standard of perfection where even my private thoughts have to be pure. It is conflicting for me to process that respect and desire can exist at the same time at an early stage of a bond. I identify as a demisexual, so my brain naturally links sexual desire to a deep emotional connection, which makes it extra hard for me to separate the two or understand how to navigate fantasies safely. I now see that I am going wrong by trying to protect his feelings inside a space (my mind) that he doesn't even have access to. Also, although I do not despise the idea of self exploration within healthy limits, but it is taking some time for me to fully feel comfortable with me doing it without any hint of guilt.

In the end, I believe my general tendency to over-analyse anything and everything with my social life has the biggest role to play. I am a pretty "I don't care what they think about my ways" kind of person, but it eats me up when I think that I might have caused any kind of harm to anyone. I am terrified of being a disrespectful person, which makes me over-police my own brain even if it is sometimes out of my hand.

This analysis has cleared up so many things for me. I would really appreciate any advice or suggestions on how to actively manage this guilt and break the habit of over-policing my thoughts during solo intimacy. Thank you so much for reading this far!