Scarleteen

I just keep feeling this deep longing, and I keep crying over it. I guess I am, in fact, a trans man, in the sense that its obvious and that I can't deny it anymore. But *not* in the sense where I actually truly feel like it. I still feel like nothing. Everything still feels so far away. And, honestly, it feels impossible. I want to believe that it is, that I can be a beautiful, pretty man. That I can go on T, deepen my voice, remove my facial, chest, and arm hair. That I can push through how black people are hypermasculinized and be a graceful, flowery gentleman. I'm moving out next week, so being in an environment where I can truly be a boy is in reach. But it feels like it doesn't matter, because everyone treats me like a doll, or a concept. And it feels like the closer I get to truly internalizing that I'm a boy, the more it feels like I'm going to die. Like its going to slam into me and my heart is going to stop. Like an anvil is waiting to fall on my head. Like the grief is going to become too much to bear and I'll pass out. I do want to try and believe that I'm a boy a little harder, and have all the faith in the world, but it feels like something horrible is going to happen.

Hi there, Masc_Cinderella.

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so scared and without hope, even as you accept that you are a trans man. I have a few questions I'd like to ask about what you've shared--I'm hoping that talking about them will help you find a way forward.

When you say that everyone treats you like a doll or a concept, it sounds like you don't feel heard, or like you have enough agency in your interactions with these people--is that correct? If I may ask, who is this everyone? Are there any specific behaviors/ways people treat you that particularly bother you?

When you describe your desires here, it sounds like you have both a pretty clear idea of what you want, and a good sense for where exactly you are not certain yet. With that kind of balanced clarity in your words, I'm curious about why you feel like becoming the person you want to be is impossible. Is it mainly about whether other people will recognize you for you who are, or something else?

Do you often struggle with the general sense that something horrible will happen? In my experience, having the support of a therapist can make it easier to learn to manage fears like that. Is therapy something you'd be interested in trying?