Scarleteen

Hi there, appreciate all the people on this site who are willing to give me advice on this situation. Obviously, TW for assault and discussions of that matter, this is your warning.

So a while back I got into this hookup with someone (I'll call them %) and this was my first time with penetrative sex. We had been doing some foreplay for a while before the actual penetrative part, but when we eventually got to doing the deed it was the worst pain I have ever experienced in my entire life. I was aware and had been warned, that having sex (especially virginity taking) was painful, but I suppose I wasn't expecting the extent of it because it felt like someone had stabbed a dagger directly into my lower abdomen.

To make matters worse, % wasn't exactly receptive to my verbal 'no' or 'stops' and it took me multiple kind of pleading asks to get them to quit and even then they were insisting we just 'pause' and then continue afterwards. At this point I was obviously turned off, so regardless of the foreplay to 'open me up' if you wanna put it that way, now it was way more difficult. At this point I was still kind of wanting to try again, hoping that maybe a position change would alleviate the intense stabbing sensation, but it did not in fact do that. At some point % does get to bottoming out, but immediately after moving the stinging came back and I was like, "stop", and they just kinda.. sat there like expecting me to take it back or something. It took me like 5 consecutive stops for them to actually well.. STOP. Eventually % pulls out and I'm not bleeding or anything but I just feel achy and stingy. The pain went away after a few days, but now both due to the fear of the experience and the fear of pain I'm very frightened to try again with another partner or even on like a dildo. Does anyone have any advice about how to make it NOT sting? And also how to deal with just the reality of what happened. Thankfully % was a hookup so I never have to see them again, but they've kinda made the idea of sex very scary for me and I keep thinking back on that scenario and how I feel like if I hadn't booked it (I left like 20 minutes after they pulled out if not less because I had a bad gut feeling if I didn't leave they may force the issue) something worse would have happened, and i know I communicated because it was OBVIOUS as fuck that I was in pain so I suppose I don't know how to.. just deal with this.

Anywho, thanks people <3

Hi there Kiss_w/out_fear, I’m glad you feel safe sharing this with us<3

First off, I’m so very sorry he did this to you, that’s terrible. I’m glad this person is no longer in your life, and I absolutely understand being worried about sexual relationships in the future.
Have you talked to someone in your life about this, like a friend or a family member? And would you like some online resources from our page or help finding in-person ones for sexual assault survivors?

As for your question about painful intercourse, sex should not hurt, and by sex I mean consensual sex not sexual assault as these two are completely different things. As you have heard, there is this misconception going around that sex and especially intercourse is painful for people with vaginas, especially the first time, which is not true either, because virginity is just a social concept and doesn’t have any real medical/anatomical correlate (more on that here: Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context).
We have a great article about painful intercourse, explaining more about it and how to prevent pain: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse, but as it sounds it’s not something you are excited about doing I really want to echo that this, or any other type of sex, is not something you have to engage in soon or ever, if you don’t want to.