Was this sexual abuse?

[rainette]

Right now I’m in a situation where I’m extremely conflicted and Im not sure what to consider it as/how to think about it.

As a child, I was exposed to pornography at the age of 6. This specific trauma is something I especially struggled with in my childhood years. Because of this discovery, I found out about masturbation and would frequently do it.

What I am confused about, was on one occasion where I was 7-8 and was getting off, when suddenly I see my very traditional grandmother digitally recording me the entire time and threatening me that she’ll show my mother this. Of course, as a child I was mortified and embarrassed, crying my eyes out. I do not know if she had deleted the video or what has happened to it, but what I do know is that those feelings stuck with me for a long time even if I didn’t know it.

For years I repressed this memory when I had suddenly remembered the experience and now I keep thinking, wasn’t this child pornography? Was I traumatized? It felt so complex because I haven’t really thought what all of it meant.

I tried looking for an answer, but it seems like my situation is a bit unique and I am hoping to find an answer here.

[Anya]

Hey rainette,

I'm very sorry this is causing you so much grief. I want to refer you back to your thread from last month Is exposure to porn at a young age considered sexual trauma? in which we responded to a very similar question. If you feel you need more help regarding this, and it sounds like you do, a therapist, in a private setting, not a public forum, will be the best kind of person to help you with this. This kind of help, beyond what we're already offered, is simply outside our capacity and isn't a good fit for the boards as a platform.

Would you like help finding someone locally to talk to? We'd be happy to re-up the conversation you started here: viewtopic.php?p=86134#p86134