Scarleteen

i am very sex positive and i enjoy the idea of having sex with a partner, but whenever things get steamy with someone i "turn off" halfway into it.

when i'm focusing on the other person and making them feel good its fine, but a few minutes after they focus on me i'm suddenly done. i get so overwhelmed and scared. especially when it comes to penetration (this includes with fingers and when i'm the one doing it).

there have been several instances where i'm with a partner, we're doing stuff and i'm feeling great, but suddenly i turn off and start sobbing.

i don't understand why this happens. i really want to have sex without getting so freaked out. i haven't had any history of sexual assault either so i don't think it can be trauma.

Hi there, Moonjay--welcome to the boards!

I can see how suddenly becoming upset for no identifiable reason would be confusing, especially when the idea of having sex with a partner is theoretically appealing and you know you are sex positive. We can talk about your experiences and try to figure out how you might navigate this.

To start, I'll ask a few questions: (It is okay if you can't answer them.)

• If you try to remember, can you identify any thoughts that come to mind when you have been upset like this? Is there anything you find yourself focused on?

• Can you tell us a little about how you've felt with the partner(s) you've had? Do you think you were able to communicate with them about what you enjoy/do not enjoy? How have they responded to you feeling overwhelmed?

• You've said you enjoy the idea of having sex with a partner--do you enjoy the idea of insertive/penetrative sex specifically? If you did not have to do any insertion to have satisfying sex, on your own or with a partner, would you still want to do it?

• If you are having sex that can cause pregnancy, do you feel confident about your method of birth control, and your access to services like pregnancy tests and abortion should you need them?

You haven't done anything wrong in using it yourself, but I do want to share that we don't usually like to use the word penetration here. It can make intercourse sound forceful, and it makes for a picture of one active partner and another passive recipient, which we know isn't accurate to how insertive sex works. Do you think framing intercourse in gentler, more mutual terms would help with your fears?

Hi! Thanks for your response.

I do think reframing my mindset could help with my fears. Sorry for using the wrong term! Is insertive sex the proper word in this case?

To answer some of your questions:

- Typically I either find myself focused on / worrying about orgasm, I lose focus on whats happening, or I realize what I'm doing and get grossed out. Often it's a combination of these.

- I'm not sure about how I have felt with past partners. Most of the time I liked to focus on them. I just wanted to make them feel good and felt guilty when I couldn't do that. I also didn't really like when I wasn't in control of the situation. Overall they were very supportive of me but didn't really understand what was happening (i didn't either).

Also I get this same feeling when I try to masturbate! Suddenly stuff feels great and then a switch flips and I feel gross.

- I think the idea of sex in general its appealing to me because of the pleasure aspect. It's not the specific activity that I am interested in. So I would still like to have sex even if it did not involve insertion.

- I'm not having sex that can cause pregnancy. But I am not on any birth control right now. That could definitely add to my stress but I have never been in a situation where I could get pregnant.

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I would like to add that I think I'm on the demisexual spectrum. I don't experience any sexual attraction towards physical appearance.

No need to apologize <3 I do like insertion/insertive sex as a catchall term, but you could also use intercourse/genital interlocking, PIV (penis-in-vagina) sex, or manual (vaginal) sex/fingering wherever applicable. There are probably other options that I am not thinking of right now, too.

And thank you for responding to those questions! Your answers are helpful, and I do have more questions about them. Feel free to concentrate on just one or a few of them in your response--we can return to the others later if necessary.

• You say you end up focusing on orgasm: what is it about that that takes up your attention? Are you worried about whether you or your partner will orgasm, how long it will take, or something else?

• If I may ask, what is it about sex that is putting you off in those moments where you feel grossed out? Do you feel gross about yourself--like you've done something you should not have done? Is the feeling primarily sensory?

• Can I ask what sorts of activities/dynamics help you feel in control of the situation, and when you feel like you don't have control? In the case of PIV sex, would it help you feel in control if you were on top of your partner?

• When a partner focuses on you, do you feel like you are taking away from their pleasure? Does it usually feel uncomfortable to have someone's attention on you?

It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to make your partner feel good. There is really so much that can be said about that, so I want share this article of ours: Your Right to Be Lousy in Bed. Would you read it and tell us what you think about it?

I'm not having sex that can cause pregnancy. But I am not on any birth control right now

Fair enough. If you ever do want to have the kind of sex that can cause pregnancy and want advice on preventing that, we can help you think through your options for contraception.