Scarleteen

for a while now, i’ve been having issues with my sex life and was wondering if i could get some advice. i’d consider myself as someone with a high sex drive, i masturbate on a daily-weekly basis and multiple times in the same session. it wouldn’t be a problem by itself, but i’ve gotten myself into some awkward and potentially dangerous situations. my self-awareness (is this safe or appropriate for the environment? is this a personal relationship i want to turn sexual? etc.) is overridden by the need to get off. i don’t often regret it, but try to distance myself from the consequences of it as soon as possible, which hasn’t been a healthy way to cope with it at all. weirdly, none of it resulted in any gratification (sexual or emotional) on my end and i was completely fine with that. however, when i am doing stuff in private with a trusted partner where it would be appropriate to relax my inhibitions, i don’t feel turned on at all. with male partners, it can even be very painful and i have had to end hookups and sessions with ex-partners because it was too overwhelmingly unpleasant and didn’t want them to feel like they had to keep trying. same lack of arousal with women as well, even though i am more sexually attracted to them. i know this is kind of a complicated reaction to sex, and have past physical and emotional trauma related to it, so i was wondering who i should consider talking to if i want to work through this. any additional insight/questions are welcome too!

Welcome, lordbyronluvr (and great handle, what's your favorite of his? Romantic-era literature has long been one of my faves: my primary focus in college was William Blake). I'm glad you found your way here.

It sounds to me like you're struggling with some sexual impulsivity, and that that impulsivity -- and maybe also your desire being very linked with the desire to have sex be risk-taking -- might be getting in the way of you enjoying sex with partners outside impulsive or risky scenarios. I also can't help but wonder if that impulsivity isn't getting in the way of you actually enjoying yourself and feeling satisfied in any sexual interactions.

You mentioned that you have past physical and emotional trauma that's related to this: can you say a little more about that? Can you also fill me in on if you have ever had sexual interactions that a) didn't feel like they were led by impulse, or b) were actually satisfying for you in any respect?

It does sound to me like you'd probably benefit from seeing a general therapist, or, better still, a sex therapist, but knowing a little more about your history with all of this and any related trauma might help us narrow down what kind of help would be best.