how can I discover what my body likes?

[moralisa]

Hello,

I've been in a relationship for three years (a bit of a long-distance relationship) and I have a fairly active sex life, but I feel like I don't know what my own pleasure is. I want to have sex, I'm often mentally aroused, but physically I feel very little. It's as if the mental excitement motivates me to do it, and once I'm in the moment, I just want it to be over; there's a drop in desire...

What also bothers me is that when I feel a strong sexual urge, now instead of turning to my boyfriend, I sometimes turn to porn. And that can make me feel guilty, because I sometimes feel like I'm just watching others enjoy themselves, almost like a form of voyeurism.

At the same time, it's practically the only thing that used to give me a feeling of sexual satisfaction. I should clarify that I don't even masturbate while watching: simply watching can give me a kind of mental satisfaction. However, when I try to masturbate myself, with my fingers or a toy, I feel very little pleasure, sometimes almost nothing. I've never really managed to find a way to touch myself that makes me want to continue or that triggers a real surge of pleasure. Lately, I've also found myself watching this for hours and feeling envious that I can't experience what these people feel.

With my boyfriend, it's slightly different, despite the physical and mental attraction. When he touches me with his fingers, I can feel satisfaction, and it's probably the activity that currently gives me the most pleasure. But even then, it's rarely anything very intense. As for the rest, whether it's penetration or other practices, my sensations seem rather lackluster compared to the level of arousal I feel mentally. It's like I could just be satisfied with foreplay (only fingers) and that would be enough for me. It's also created a kind of regret within me. Before, I enjoyed masturbating him and things like that, but for the past few months I haven't felt the desire anymore. It's as if I know in advance that what comes after won't please me, so I no longer see the point in pleasing him knowing I'll be left unsatisfied.

So, I don't really know where the problem lies. Do I simply not know my own body yet? Is the way my boyfriend stimulates me not right for me? Do I need a different kind of stimulation? And above all, how can I learn what I like if even when I touch myself, I feel very little?

Regarding pornographic content, I've also recently started wondering if my approach to it is problematic. It's not something I watch constantly: I might watch it for a few days or a week, then stop completely for several weeks or months. It's mainly when I have a very strong sexual urge that the desire returns, almost as if I'm breaking a period of abstinence. In the moment, I sometimes feel like I really need it to get that mental satisfaction, even though afterward I can go a very long time without it again.

Did any of you experience a lot of mental arousal from videos or fantasies, but very little sensation when touching yourselves? How did you discover what you enjoyed physically? Did anything help you transition from primarily mental pleasure to more intense physical pleasure?

Thank you for reading and for your responses.

[Becky]

Hi moralisa, welcome to the boards!

Ok, I'm gonna try and break down the things I hear happening.

1) You're feeling sexual arousal either from porn or being with your boyfriend, but once things start getting more physical you aren't experiencing the sensation you hoped for and your desire drops/you start to wish for the moment to be over.

I have a couple of questions here. Sorry to get a bit personal, but what kind of sexual activity are you engaging in with yourself and your boyfriend? You mentioned sometimes using your fingers or a toy. Are these toys vibrating? Are they dildos meant to be inserted into the vagina?

I ask because you said two things. That you could "could just be satisfied with foreplay (only fingers) and that would be enough for me". I think what you might mean here is that outercourse (touching the vulva/clitoris with fingers, toys, or a tongue) is more pleasurable than intercourse (a toy, fingers, or a penis being inserted into the vagina). Does that sound correct? Because it is pretty common for people with vulvas and vaginas to get more pleasure from clitoral stimulation than vaginal.

You also said, "Did anything help you transition from primarily mental pleasure to more intense physical pleasure?" Have you been finding the physical pleasure too intense? Sometimes vibrators or direct stimulation to the clitoris can be too much. Sometimes, touching around the clitoris or keeping underwear or a layer of fabric on top can help reduce some of the overstimulation.

Also, how have YOU been feeling lately? How is your mental health? Have you been sleeping? Sexual pleasure is a whole body experience. If we're going through a "low" period in our lives that can very easily affect how we're feeling sexually.

2) You have some concerns about your pornography consumption.

Nothing you said sounds concerning to me. Is there a reason you are concerned about it?

I'm going to leave some articles here for you to check out related to these topics:

On Sexual Pleasure:
I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fulfillment
With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

On pornography:
Looking, Lusting and Learning: A Straightforward Look at Pornography
The Facts on Porn and Sex "Addiction"