Scarleteen

Hey y'alll,

Me and my girlfriend are in the process of figuring this out and I just wanted some outside help on this. She is such a lovely amazing person and I am so grateful that we found eachother! We have differences but we're more similar than anything, with lots of shared interest. Something I love about our relationship is our open communication, but despite that I was still scared to tell her about my growing want for sexual intimacy.

While she doesn't like receiving sexual affection, she loves giving it to see my reaction but lately we haven't been in the mood to achieve that atmosphere (and the distance makes it harder; we live in different states). I've been scared to ask her for that intimacy because I'm scared I might ask or want too much of her, and I don't want to pressure her into situations that she doesn't want, and try to push for her to tell me when she's in the mood or not (specially the not). This has led to me asking for it sometimes, and her saying "I'm not feeling it right now" (or something similar) which is great!.. For her, but for me I started feeling bad for asking her so consitently. Eventually it felt like we just stopped talking which felt even worse, so I told her about my lonelyness (to which she responded she felt similarly), and a few days later I told her about pretty much what I've said already here.

She responded something along the lines of "I'm really glad you told me, but I'm not sure what to do with this information." Fair . Neither do I . She suggested and idea that I liked, but I haven't really gotten back to it. Before I tell y'all what it is, could you give me some ideas on how to respond to our situation?

Thank you!
- leaflet

Hi leaflet!

I wanna start by acknowledging that both of your desires, or lack thereof, are valid and worthy within the relationship. I seems to me like you are very respectful and adamant about acknowledging you partners wants/needs. I think it could be helpful to give yourself similar grace - your desires for sexual intimacy are not an intrusion but rather just as valid as your partner's lack of desire.

I do hear you on your worries about "pressuring" her, though your instincts to communicate and share your desires and loneliness showcase a great start on working through this issue. It is not easy to be vulnerable, especially when we are sharing desires that we know may be conflicting to our partners'. I do think it is also important to note that this is an issue you both need to work on (and care about) to solve.

Did you feel like her response helped you in any way through those issues of intimacy?

If you would like, we could also discuss ways to fulfill sexual desire outside of your relationship or nonsexual forms of intimacy that may fit better inside of your relationship.