Scarleteen

Hi! Im milly and i need some help. My girlfriend and i have very different oppinions on what sex is. I think of it as direct stimulation but she thinks toutching breasts and stuff is still too close. I have alot more experience with my sexuality and masterbation. She has only started exploring now.

We are both newly 18 and i think thats old enough but she doesnt.

We have been dating for a long time and i really want to move forward, like toutching breasts, but shes just not ready. She just feels kinda scared. I want to respect her boundries 190%! Is there any way she can become more comfortable with her own sexuality? She doesnt really care about trying to have orgasms (which is another big difference that frustrates me a little not sure why) She wants to explore with herself but she just struggles to navigate around it and some guilt…


I just feel really guilty because i feel quite sexually frustrated and hurt How can i deal with this when its ruining my sex life with myself? Can i get advice on how to handle this situation? And how me and my girlfriend can navigate this different in ideas of what sex is and pacing?

(Ps. I posted this on the advice place, is there maybe a chance that it can get removed for the system there? Thank you sososoo much! Im so happy i found this site, ive struggled with this issue for longer than a year!) (ps.2 sorry but after this discussion could this be delited? I want to introduce my gf to this site i think it will really help! But i dont want her to see this )

Hi MagicMilly! Welcome to the boards!

Yes, when we're done with this thread I can remove it. I think our website could be a great resource for you and your girlfriend to use both separately and together.

In the meantime, I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated and hurt. Unfortunately, there isn't any way to speed up this process. If your girlfriend is working through her own feelings about sex, that has to be on her own timeline. Now, when she expressed that she wants to explore or if she talks to you about the guilt she's feeling, obviously you can talk with her and offer her resources. But the decision of when and if she engages in the same kind of sexual touching that you are interested in might take some time.

I'd be curious to know what you mean by, "its ruining my sex life with myself"?

Here are some resources for you and (if she's comfortable) your girlfriend to explore together. They might allow you to have some discussions about what sex is and what things you are or are not okay with.

Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
What's Sex?

Omw thank you!

Yeah i am aware that its not a process that can be rushed and i never want to do anything that she doesnt want to! We are very open about our own sexualities and ive made it less taboo for her which has helped!

But i didnt make it as clear that we dont want to have sex right now tho, so we dont have that “pressure” on us yet atleast

But on the ruining of my own sex life. Ive always felt satisfied with my own orgasms and masterbation. But recently i feel unfifilled because of the fantasies that cant happen. It makes me feel guilty but i know that sometimes things just stick in the back of your mind.

She is very sciency and a total amazing nerd. Shes quite curious about the vagina and how it works and i want to become a sexologist so ive done somw research and we discuss alot of intimate topics. And i tell her about my experiences and how i go about it. But i feel as if ive shared too much of myself and a little gross. I am very sensitive, but not ashamed of my sexuality, and this has created a kind of “inequality” in my brain. Where ive shown too much but cant do anything about it. So its made me feel a little bit weird about having my own intimate exeriences.

Im really happy that she feels comfortable to begin exploring though i am so proud of her!

Is there maybe anything i can do to help with this guilt i feel and redirect it somehow?

I think first we need to explore the root of this guilt. Are you feeling guilty because you want to play these fantasies out with your girlfriend but she's not ready?

Yeah i think so, i feel kinda shamefull about it. But i inderstand hormones and stuff and some thoughts just happen sometimes.

So its kinda hindering me from enjoying what i like and its quite confusing!

I think im also feeling like “im missing” out. All of my friends and their partners do these things and i feel kinda idk left out? Like it HAS to be there. Me and her have an amazing time together and its not like i nessicarily NEED it. So maybe its a social thing aswell. Its a lot of odd emotions mixed and i think just directed into this one thing accidentally.

We kind of have a plan to “desensitize” her to try and combat the fear? Like where she really quickly toutches my breast in a completely non sexual way just to get used to the concept. (She says she really wants to when were kissing but theres this fear that keeps her back and these boundries she set and cant get over.) Would that work maybe? Or should we just leave it and try to let this whole thing take its natural course?

She is going to go to therapy to find the source of these fears and im really proud of her because its important to understand herself. I just dont want to accidentally hinder that process

Hey there, MagicMilly. I'm sorry this is feeling so frustrating for you.

I think it's very rarely a good idea for anyone in a couple to set themselves -- or each other -- up to be trying to do kinds of therapy or their idea of what something based on a kind of therapy is, like this version of exposure therapy you're talking about. We can't and shouldn't ever be our partner's therapists or try to stand in for them. It's just not the right vibe for people in a partnership who aren't therapist and patient, and people who aren't trained and educated therapists shouldn't be trying to engage in therapies that require both with other people, period.

I hear your partner being very clear with you that she just isn't ready for this. I also hear that your girlfriend already has a therapist she can work with in a therapeutic capacity. Lastly, I think you need to be honest with yourself that this is more about you trying to get what you want when you want it than about really doing what's right for someone who just isn't ready for what you want.

That's not to say there's anything wrong with you wanting to be sexual with her: there isn't. But the only thing we can really do that's both ethical, caring and consensual -- and that assures that person who isn't at the same pace we are won't feel any pressure from us -- in this kind of situation is to gradually build more and more comfort and trust over time, including by sticking only to kinds of sex or touch the other person feels good about and ready for, and to wait and see how they feel in time.

In the event that over time waiting just will not work for you, then it'll be time to consider if this is or isn't the right relationship for you as a romantic or sexual relationship. It just may be that if you two stay in very different places, that this is an issue of sexual incompatibility. Alas, people we connect with emotionally just aren't always people we connect with sexually, so sometimes, something that someone hoped would become a sexual relationship, or an exclusive sexual relationship, can become something we need to reconsider as an intimate platonic friendship or an open or polyamorous relationship.

You say you've been dating for a long time: can you fill me in on how long? If we're talking about something like a couple years or more, can I ask if you two talked about what you each did and didn't want or feel ready for sexually at the start of this relationship? How was it decided it'd be or potentially be a sexual relationship in the first place? Is that something she said she wanted or was asking for?

I do also want to make sure to address this:

But on the ruining of my own sex life. Ive always felt satisfied with my own orgasms and masterbation. But recently i feel unfufilled because of the fantasies that cant happen.

Many, if not most, of our sexual fantasies will often go unmet in real life (and I say this as a much-older and far more sexually experienced person then most people of younger generations than mine will ever be, no less!): that's usually a big part of why they are fantasies, and not realities. I suspect that before you were with this partner, the fact that your fantasies were not realities was not frustrating for you: was that the case? If so, why do you think it's become an issue for you now, and can you consider that that might be putting undue pressure on both of you to try and fix something that just can't be changed anytime soon, and may or may not change, period?