Scarleteen

I’m 29 and I’m going through what basically feels like a breakup with someone I was never officially in a relationship with.

We were extremely close, emotionally and sexually intimate, and there were romantic feelings between us. At one point he considered dating me, but ultimately told me he thinks we’re too incompatible for a healthy relationship and that he doesn’t have the capacity to meet my needs. He wants to remain friends, but I’m taking distance because my feelings are too strong for me to genuinely be his friend right now.

I know logically that one person deciding not to be with me doesn’t determine my worth. But I’m just so tired of not being chosen. And the worst part is that people say as they’re not choosing me “You’re such a wonderful person. You’re so amazing. It has nothing to do with you. It’s me.” And it stings even more because if I’m so wonderful, why am I still alone? Why has no one chosen to build with me yet?

I want a lifelong partner so badly. I want someone who wants to build a life with me, have a family with me, grow together, know each other over decades, and choose each other consistently. And with every relationship or almost-relationship that doesn’t become that, I get more afraid that it just isn’t going to happen for me.

And then my brain turns the rejection into: What’s wrong with me? Why am I never the person someone chooses? Am I too intense? Too serious? Too much work? Am I fundamentally undesirable?

I also know I contributed to my own heartbreak here. I invested partner-level emotional energy into someone who had never actually committed to being my partner. I did a lot of the emotional scaffolding in our connection because I loved him and hoped we were building toward something. I’m trying to learn from that without turning it into “this is all my fault.”

I don’t want advice about how to get him back. He was clear about not wanting a romantic relationship, only friendship, and I’m respecting his answer. I want to move on.

For people who have experienced this feeling of repeatedly not being chosen:

How did you stop interpreting romantic rejection as evidence that something was fundamentally wrong with you?

How did you keep hoping for partnership without making your whole life feel like a waiting room until someone chose you?

And if you eventually did find a long-term partner after feeling this way for years, I would really love to hear what changed for you.

Hi MountainMix,
Oh, I feel for you. I have been where you are. In fact, I spent many years feeling like you did: I wanted to find "my" person. I wanted to be chosen. I wanted to build something with a partner. And it led me to stay in a series of relationships where I both displayed and put up with some truly awful behavior. When you approach relationships in that way, it's almost like the other person doesn't really matter. They just become someone to fill in the blank. And people sense that, no matter how much love you pour into them. It was only when I stopped looking at what I wanted in the future and thought about what I wanted today that I was able to finally able to able to nurture a healthy relationship. We've been together for a little over three years, and we hope to be together for many more. I can't give you the magic formula though. Peep my age and do the math.

For now, the best thing you can do is honestly work on building a life you love whether you have a romantic partner or not. That doesn't mean you necessarily need to stop dating or looking for a romantic relationship. (Although maybe a break from intentionally looking would be a good idea?) Whether you continue seeking a long-term romantic relationship or not, I recommend shifting your energy towards other kinds of relationships-- with friends, with community, and with yourself. We've got a couple of really great articles on this subject that I'll recommend, but I also cannot stress enough how helpful it can be to have a competent mental health professional in your corner. Trying to detach from cultural assumptions tying your self worth to being "chosen" by a romantic partner, particularly when you have a history of complex trauma, is no joke. It's not easy work, so try to be patient and gentle with yourself. Happy reading!

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