Scarleteen

Hi. im Ezylem a 13 year old female. i have been REEEEALLYYYY struggling with speaking to my mother about things. im told all of the time im a very articulate and sensible kid and im mature for my age. which i lowkey agree with. i have a girlfriend.. which my mom knows of. but... im scared to tell my mom me and her have been sexually intimate. i believe we both know this... but im not 100% sure. also she has told me before to talk to her before i have my first time, and that theres a time and a place and an age in which ill be able to do those things... which that topic came up because i went through puberty at 8, so by the time i was like 9 i was.. "inventing" as my mom says. i do believe and understand that 13 is pretty young to be sexually active, even if its not possible for me to get pregnant. but i just felt ready with my girlfriend. i have had a 3 year relationship with a boy before her, but it didnt work out and quite frankly... i wasnt attracted or interested much in him as a boy, i used to make him act feminine and avoid the fact he was a boy. which i get was very messed up, but i learnt from my mistakes. anyways, i first had... relations... generally but also with my girlfriend a week after we started dating. so february 2nd. and it wasnt the worst. i expected my first time to be as bad as people say theirs is. and every once in a while our sexual hormones are a bit more present and we are horny and we do... things. but my mom is irritating and always accuses me of doing things specifically when im not doing them. she will find out one time that i did something out of 100 and thing that she knows everything. so there has been times she has tried to catch me and my girlfriend in the act (mostly of kissing, because my door doesnt have a lock and she caught us mid make out once. but also of anything else.), yet just in the nick of time we manage to slip past without her noticing (since that one time she caught us. never again. i didnt hear the end of it for days.). so, im looking for advice. (sorry for trailing off so much, i usually get told to keep it short and sweet but i cant help but feel that if i dont explain everything nobody will understand.) should i tell my mother? should i wait till im older? should i just never tell her and hope she just understands that i have done it and we just never need to speak on that awkward level and just keep it pushing? if i should tell her, how do i bring it up? when is the right time? HELP!!

Hi there, ezylem. Welcome to the boards. It's okay to say as much as you'd like here, no worries.

Before I say anything else, I want to fill you in on some sex ed basics.

First, I want to let you know that if you're 13, you're still in puberty. No one goes through all of puberty in one year, or is finished by 8. You may have started at 8, but you won't have finished then or be finished now, including with changes you can't even see, like cervical development. You can find out more about this here, but puberty is a long process that tends to take around a decade or so (for everyone) and that people don't tend to be finished with until their late teens or early 20s. As well, sex hormones are only part of what creates our interest in and desire for sex (for more on that, you can start by reading this), and it's not historically that unusual for people to start exploring sex around the age you are, either. And that 3 year whatevership you had with that boy will certainly have been something pretty juvenile, given you both were 10, so any expectations you had or have of yourself in hindsight about being very mature in something like that? I hope you can give yourself a break. Childhood exploration shouldn't be something anyone expects to be anything but childlike. We learn how to be in relationships with people as we go and as we grow: it's not fair to expect ourself to be an expert at anything we're brand new at, especially when we're brand new at life altogether!

It does sound like things have been pretty tense and uncomfortable without you telling your mother, and with this dynamic where she's apparently been trying to catch you being physical with your girlfriend. I think it's likely everyone involved would feel better if you were just honest with your mother that you and your girlfriend have a sexual relationship. Having to try and sneak around like you have been doesn't often feel good for anyone involved, and tends to also have negative effects on our relationships.

You don't have to ever tell anyone -- including a parent -- every detail of a sexual relationship, and when it comes to healthy boundaries in a family, they really shouldn't be asking that, either. You can just say that you are physical/sexual together, and then only share what you actually want to from there.

In terms of when to tell her, I think conversations like this tend to go best when we ask the other person for some time we can sit down and talk with them so that we have dedicated time, and so no one involved is trying to do something else at the same time, which always makes talks like this more stressful.

It would help to know what YOU want to get out of this kind of conversation before we do any more strategizing about it. I know your Mom asked you to tell her first, but that didn't obligate you to do that. I'm suggesting you talk with her because this is happening and because given you are a minor living at home, having to sneak around or be dishonest won't be good for your relationship with your girlfriend or your Mom, and because I also think it's generally a good idea that when young people are being sexual together, there's at least some adult who knows what's going on so you can get extra help or support when you need it, like help accessing sexual healthcare, for instance, or help working out what to do if you and your girlfriend ever have any issues. But talking to a parent like this is ultimately something that is for you, so it's helpful ahead of a talk like this to have a handle on what you want for yourself from the conversation. <3

(We can also talk about things like your Mom accusing you of things you didn't do and why instead of trying to talk with you about this herself, she's trying to "catch you in the act" instead, but I wanted to start with what you actually asked about first.)