Scarleteen

Hi. I'm 21, bisexual, and mostly male. (AMAB, but questioning if I'm NB). Just a warning, post is long.

I'm an artist who very much focuses on drawing porn of two characters I made, and I've been doing so since I was 17. I started drawing them probably for standard reasons someone would draw horny stuff, which was because it was fun, it was arousing, I wanted to get better at drawing, I had a bunch of romantic ideas I wanted to get out of my head, etc.

A few years later and these two characters are 90% of what I draw. They've also become a big part of my life. I've sunk so much time into thinking about them as people, and their world, and their story. How they met and what they like. I have like, a 100 page document outlining their love story, I can tell it beat by beat from the moment they met to their first time having sex together. I feel at this point it's one of my life goals to somehow realise it visually in a comic or a show or something. I've made small animations, I've commissioned art of them, I was in film college and when I was selected to make a short film, I basically renamed these characters, made it PG, and made a hyper-condensed version of the story for my student film.

These characters mean so much to me, but so often, I feel such a sinking feeling. I'm a man, or at least born as one. I've never had any intimate relationship with a woman, my current relationship is with another man. All of this is to say every once in a while, I feel guilty. I feel guilty about creating these characters, and drawing them having sex, more specifically the woman. (They have names but I'm too embarrassed to reveal them and link this back to anything identifiable to me).

The characters are college age, so she's in her early 20s, and I tried to write her as realistically as I could. I don't worry about how I write the guy at all, nor do I worry about drawing him sexually. Because of how ashamed I feel often, and how anxious I get over my art much of the time, I have more sexual drawings of him. But I feel so anxious now when I draw her or then together or try to write scenarios. My art used to feel like a creative escape and fun and everything, but now everything takes so long because I'm thinking about so much. And I used to think this was good, but at this point, I worry I'm ruminating. But I don't know if I REALLY am or not.

To be blunt, I have no clue what sex feels like for a woman. I have no clue what women see in men. I know what I see in men, and frankly... Not much. When I met the guy who's my boyfriend, I realized why I never liked any other men before, and it's because I never met a man worth loving until him. And I know what I find attractive about him, and what I like in men sexually... But despite that, there's a dirtiness I can't help but feel when just giving this character attractions.

When I was initially creating these characters, I wanted them to be realistic, and still do. I know, logically, in real life, people who are allosexual... So a straight man and woman who are in love, will have sexual attraction. They'll want to have sex. But they're also friends (hopefully) and considerate. I also have tried doing a bunch of research on women sexuality, and what pleasures women. Like how clitoral stimulation is the main thing that actually brings orgasm, and how intimacy is very important. But... Like... There's a wall I hit.

Basically, I created woman and a man to love each other, and I made her enjoy sex, and sexual intercourse, and making her boyfriend happy. She's given hand jobs and oral and initiated. The guy never initiates really because he's shy and uncomfortable, but he also likes making her happy, and gives her oral and stimulates her. But... Like, Literally... I don't understand what it's like, first hand, to be a woman, and that makes me feel so overwhelmingly guilty for creating this character. Whenever I see anything online about women not enjoying penetration, or discussing women's breasts and how it's unpleasant that they're seen sexually, or how nobody really actually moans like that in real life, I feel so overwhelmingly gross.

I've tried so hard to create something nice. I want sex to be something nice. I hate sex being seen as a dirty thing. I think it's so incredibly romantic and nice. I think two people who love eachother engaging in intimacy is something healthy, I think enjoying that can be healthy, and I think the way lots of porn over exaggerates all the aspects I don't think should be, BUT also the rest of the world's inforcement of sex being taboo even in media and stories for adults, genuinely upsets me so much. Part of why I want to tell my story with these two at this point is really just as a giant "fuck you" to so many establishments that for some reason run rampant in our world, from both overly puritan to overly fetishistic. But now, at this point, it's so hard for me to create my art. Because I feel so guilty.

I feel guilty writing a character who's a woman, because I'm not one. When I see women in media, especially when it's sexual, I worry about whether other women find that depiction harmful or not because I feel I'm not an authority to know. And so I'm even more terrified that these characters and this story that has essentially become my life's artistic passion project could be a harmful or offensive idea of female sexuality. I'm worried about coming off as "A man trying to write a woman" in the most derogatory sense of the phrase. I don't even know why I feel this way sometimes. I post my art online, and I get so much positive feedback. I have female friends in my life who I have shown my art to, and they like it. They're also artists though, so while they've not told me I've done anything bad, I also don't know if they're speaking more from a fellow artist perspective. I don't feel comfortable asking any of them "Hey, this explicit sex act I'm drawing. Does that ACTUALLY feel good?" Because that's like... Essentially asking them about their sex life I feel.

So yeah, I don't know. I feel guilty. I wasn't raised Catholic or anything. What can I do? Is it bad to draw erotic art as a man? Is there any additional ways I can learn more about how women realistically experience sex without being creepy? Am I being harmful by creating a sexually forward female character with a shy guy and drawing porn of these two? I don't want to stop exploring these characters because these characters mean so much to me, and I've put so much time into creating them and their world and just thinkkng about them, but should I stop?

Hey CakeFlakeCYM,

It sounds like you're having trouble justifying your depiction of these characters, especially the female or femme characters engaging sexually because of your own lived experience feeling different from the experiences of your characters. First of all, it is completely understandable to be feeling this way and trying to be careful of how your illustrations are perceived. I think it's thoughtful, more than anything, that these concerns are coming from a place of ideally wanting to create something meaningful, considerate, and joyful. It seems like your head is in the right place, and by coming here it shows that you're interested in feedback so that you can keep doing what you love. This all reads as very mindful to me.

Now, seem to be very concerned about your work coming across as offensive, or exacerbating of misogynistic norms. I'd like to ask you where you think that offensiveness comes from when you see it in other's work or in real life? Usually when something is discriminatory or sexist, like women largely being depicted as tools for achieving male pleasure, it comes from a place of objectification. The artist doesn't see the female or femme characters as whole people with intentions, feelings, lives, or desires, but simply instruments to carry the "more important," male narrative of sexuality. What separates characters from either being objects or full people is the perception of the artist, and if they see their characters as autonomous humans or de-humanized beings. There are names for different parts of this phenomenon, such as the Bechdel Test, a measure in which different films are examined to find if any scenes in the whole project contain women who only speak to each other without a man around, and talk about anything other than men. If there are no scenes in a film that do not feature a man or are about a man, it does not pass this test. Now this is not to say your work must always feature women and not men, but it's the principle of art containing the narratives of women or non-men that is important in general. If you believe your female or femme characters are just as important, featurable, and multifaceted as your male or masculine characters, I think you're on the right track.

A resource I thin you might find very interesting is Laura Mulvey's essay Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema. This is where Mulvey coined the term "male gaze," something im sure you've heard of. It's a very good demonstration into how gender is treated on-screen and how objectification is layered.

I also want to respond to your fear that your lack of sexual experience with women negatively impacts your ability to illustrate women engaging in sexuality. Following the same principles as above, I think ultimately it's less about your capacity to fully understand what it means to live as a woman in order to write them, but more about your curiosity to learn. There are millions of stories out there by authors or illustrators who do not fully know the experience of their characters, whether that be their gender experience, sexual orientation, relational dynamics, passions, or intentions, but that doesn't mean that these stories don't have meaning or could really impact someone else who may relate to them. I think people treat gender and sexuality sometimes as "exceptional" in the way that they are so fundamentally different from other facets of life and thus must be treated differently. Now, though this is true in some ways, it is not true in all, and just as you may not know the experience of a cis woman, you may also not know the experience of engaging with these characters in real life, or going on their adventures, or meeting their obstacles. Gender and sexuality must be treated as important, for sure, but not fundamentally separate from the ways everybody experiences life.

The last thing that I want to say is that it seems like these characters are deep parts of you. That makes them not fundamentally separate from you or your experience, meaning as much as you want to represent "real women's experience of pleasure" what you're already doing is representing your perception of women's experience of pleasure, which I think is the only, and best, thing you can do in this situation. You mention wanting to talk to your female artist friends about this but not wanting to be creepy. I think instead of asking a question like "does this feel good in real life," you could think about questions like, "do you feel im representing pleasure in a realistic way in which they are active, not passive to the story?" Does that difference make sense?

Let me know your thoughts on this and im happy to keep talking with you about it!