Scarleteen

The day before yesterday, boyfriend and I decided to have unprotected sex while we were both drunk and I was not on birth control. It is the stupidest, most awful thing we’ve ever done, and we both felt so much shame and regret and anxiety afterwards. He pulled out before he came, but as we know the pull out method isn’t really effective as there’s still sperm in precum. I took a plan B right after, but then found out that it might not have worked because I might have been ovulating at the time, based on my last period.

The next day, we went to our local sexual health clinic to try and figure out what to do. The conversation there honestly made me more nervous: even though she gave us helpful information, I felt like the health professional was really blunt and a bit rude with us (then again, she probably sees 100 young couples who had unprotected sex per day, so I get why she might have that attitude). I started crying during the appointment, which was also really embarrassing. One of the things she suggested is getting an IUD in the next few days so I can be 100% sure I will not get pregnant. My other option is waiting 2 weeks and taking a pregnancy test and hoping I’m not pregnant.

I’m leaning towards the IUD, because waiting sounds horrible and if I *am* pregnant the situation will get so much worse (I would definitely get an abortion). But it feels so shitty, because I really never wanted to get an IUD before this, so it feels awful to have to make this decision all of a sudden. But my desire to not get pregnant also totally outweighs my fear of getting an IUD. I also have had a hard time taking BC pills and the patch on time when I was on BC in the past, so I feel it could be a good option for me. It just feels awful to do this so suddenly. I called my mom (who I usually tell everything) and just told her I was thinking of getting an IUD. She was surprised and said I should take more time to think about it and try other methods of birth control first, and it felt awful to not tell her that it was because I had unprotected sex. But I feel way too ashamed to tell her that and what she might think of me and my boyfriend.

Importantly, I also wanted advice on how to handle this emotionally in our relationship. My boyfriend is a total nervous wreck after all of this, he feels super guilty about and that I might suddenly have to get an IUD. I also just feel so awful and guilty about this as I was the one who suggested we have unprotected sex, and I just don’t understand why I did that and feel like I almost don’t even trust myself anymore. It was such a horrible decision. I’m really worried about our relationship, as this feels like it’s constantly looming over us when we spend time together, and I was wondering if you had any advice for us and what we can do to feel less anxious and shameful and more connected so we can get through this.

Hi there, Mitzi

Having unprotected sex while you were drunk doesn't make you or your boyfriend stupid or awful or untrustworthy. We know that accidents can happen to people with the right intentions. We understand that there are things you can't control, and that people are not always equipped to make the best decisions for themselves. You still acted responsibly with the information you had. I appreciate that the two of you made all the right decisions to reduce your risk of pregnancy once you caught up to yourselves: pulling out, getting plan B, going to a sexual health clinic for advice and to consider your next steps.

Especially in a world where we do have the medical technology to address an unwanted pregnancy, it would be simply unrealistic and inhumane to judge you. I understand that this is a deeply worrying situation, but I hope the two of you won't be so hard on yourselves.

Would you say a little about how your situation might get worse if you did end up pregnant, given that you know you would get an abortion? (Do you say that because you know that an abortion would be difficult to access?)

Getting an IUD is an option if you want to make sure that you are not pregnant sooner. However, if getting an abortion is a realistic option for you and if you are unsure about getting an IUD, I think it would be completely fair to wait to take a pregnancy test. I understand the waiting may be emotionally difficult, but if you know you will be able to manage an unwanted pregnancy in the end, it sounds like the result would be the same. What do you think?

If we can approach the question without judgement, it could be helpful to ask why you suggested unprotected sex. Were you very focused on the outcome you wanted in the moment? Was your usual method of contraception (condoms, perhaps?) difficult to access while you were drunk? The solution here might be to make contraception easier to use in the moment, or to find a method that does not rely on you always being able to think clearly (And to be very clear, the solution is not blaming yourself for not making the kinds of decisions you would normally make while you were drunk). If you'd like, we can help you think through your options.

For your request for advice about how to handle this emotionally with your boyfriend:

• Can you think about the times where you have made good decisions together, and where you've been able to rely on each other? That might help you see this as an exception, and remember that you can rely on each other again.

• Since your boyfriend is worried about you, it might help for him to hear that you don't blame him, if that is the case. Is that something you want to hear yourself?

• Does it help to know that someone else doesn't think you should feel ashamed, and that you two do have options that we can help you think about?

Hi Latha! Thank you so much for your kind and detailed response!!

I think that for me, it’s not that an abortion would be difficult to access, but that the physical and emotional toll of one is something I’d really like to avoid. (Of course, for those who believe conception occurs at fertilization, then getting an IUD is a type of abortion itself, but here I’m referring to other methods like pills and surgical abortions!) So while abortion is an option for me, it’s not necessarily more desirable than getting an IUD.

I think in the moment, I suggested unprotected sex because it seemed exciting and I felt really happy after a party we had thrown that went really well. We had access to condoms as well, but for whatever reason, I decided not to use them in that moment. I like the point you made about having a birth control method that doesn’t require me to necessarily be thinking clearly to use it—if anything, this situation has shown me how seriously important it is to have a reliable backup form of birth control. In the past, I’ve also had trouble remembering to change my BC pill or patch, which has felt really stressful for both me and my boyfriend. So I definitely do think the IUD could be right for me in theory—it’s just tough having to make the decision all of a sudden.

Thank you for posing those questions about me and my boyfriend! It helps to think of this as an exception. We definitely do a good job taking care of each other and keeping each other safe, so thinking about that makes me feel a little less scared. I will definitely tell my boyfriend that I don’t blame him—and it would be nice to hear myself as well. Your response definitely has made me feel a whole lot more reassured and less guilty about all this.

I’m still considering scheduling an IUD appointment tomorrow. When I think about it I feel a little nervous, but I do really want to be 100% sure I’m not pregnant.