Communication advice for my relationship

[anonymous1701]

Hi there! My boyfriend and I are in a very happy and healthy relationship of nearly a year. Trust and open communication has never been something that we have struggled with. As we agree to be open and honest with one another, my boyfriend felt it was necessary to approach me with something that was on his mind. He informed me that he has been thinking about trying pot. This did not come as a shock to me because I am aware that these feelings of curiousity are normal, and pot can be found throughout all high schools (and in his friend group). He wanted to know my opinion on the matter. I do not agree with him smoking pot and i will not encourage it. Honestly, the idea turns me off and freaks me out a bit. If he were to smoke, I would be concerned for his health and safety. Not only that, but I have strong feelings about not wanting to become involved with drugs or alcohol and I do not know how I would handle the situation if anything ever became of his proposition. I am struggling to express these feelings to him without giving him an ultimatum, that I wouldn't be able to stay with him if he began smoking pot. I am looking for advice on ways I can convey my concerns about how it could effect our relationship without coming across as controlling, because ultimately the decision is not mine to make. I do not want to make him feel attacked, I want him to feel like he is able to talk to these things about me without fear. I worry that if I don't handle this situation the "right" way, he will no longer feel comfortable discussing the idea with me and will hide things from me. The last thing I want if for him to try it and not share it with me, I would want to be able to talk about the experience so that we could take it from there together. Sorry for the novel, I just needed to get this off my chest!

[Karyn]

I think saying some of what you've said here would actually be a really good place to start. It's possible to acknowledge and respect his choices, and let him know that you are not trying to control his behaviour, while still sharing that you have some concerns. Using "I" statements is often helpful in these sorts of discussions: rather than saying "you made me worry when..." you can phrase it as "I felt concerned when you said...because..." That kind of wording can help emphasize that you're owning your feelings, and not placing any blame for your concerns onto him.

It can also be useful to state explicitly how much you value the open communication and trust between the two of you, and that you're sharing your feelings in that same spirit of openness. Too, I'd recommend staying away from the "I'm not sure I would be able to stay in a relationship with someone who smokes pot" - keep the focus on the fact that he's only considering it, because considering something is very different than actually doing it, you know?

[anonymous1701]

Right. I really appreciate your advice! I think I have a better idea of how I can effectively approach the situation now. I need to find that balance between being calm (the hardest part for me), positive and loving with my words but strong (so that my views are very clear and clearly not changing).
It just scared me when he brought up the idea. I couldn't help but think, whoa, this isn't like the guy I love! But like you said, thinking about it is alot different than doing it so I shouldn't jump the gun.
I hope that you have a great night and thanks again

[Karyn]

Glad to help. I hope the conversation goes well.