Scarleteen

hi,
like a month ago i wanted to start using grindr kind of just to explore sexually online, mostly by messaging
i had a few people message in weird ways and blocked them, the very first time i was on it someone sent me dick pics like straight away and even though i didn’t want it really i felt desired and messaged a bit, but he didn’t message back
the second time i was on it i got multiple message again and i again felt wanted and desired and blocked lots of people lol
i finally found that someone who seemed into things i was and also someone i could like had messaged me and i replied
he asked if i wanted a ‘tease pic’ and i said no and he was really respectful about it so i felt safe to continue to message, and we did
i was quite proud of myself for asserting my boundaries, i have struggled a lot with that in the past and this was a new situation so i wasn’t sure how i would do, but it turns out using the same principles of taking a moment and deciding what feels okay works here too!
so anyway we sexted a bit (like my first actual time doing this) and it was nice
i just really felt sexually powerful and assertive ig? it was nice

anyway, a few days later, he messaged again
i replied and after he asked me i asked how his day was, and he said it wasn’t good basically
his replies were already shorter than the first time and the energy felt less like last time, less wholesome ig???
this time he asked right away if we could both send pictures, i said no and he acted disappointed, i felt like i had to compensate and said i could be descriptive like last time, he kind of reiterated he wanted more visuals, and i said no again and then he finally responded sorry and didn’t text further until i said i was still ok w sexting
so we did, and i felt i was doing most of the work, being descriptive etc. in the end he asked if i wanted a pic of him and i said yes, so he sent one and asked if i could send one of me and i said yes. the days before i had been masturbating multiple times and thinking about our conversation, and feeling so hot and it felt nice to know someone had been attracted to me in a way and i took some pictures of myself - kind of with the thought of maybe sending them, but only theoretically. i had looked at the safety stuff on grindrs website so if i wanted to i was going to be careful. i sent a picture, (no face or identifying features) but i accidentally sent one that wasn’t disappearing
i panicked snd asked him to delete it right after twice and then later during the night i was so worried that i purchased the membership sub that made it possible to unsend messages and did that.

i don’t think i really wanted to send my photo, or see his. i think i felt worried he’d lose interest and i wanted to feel wanted and i felt pressured because of how he was asking at the beginning of the convo abd then later too. also he looked like he could be older in the vid and that made me quite uncomfortable, and made me feel even worse about sending my picture. i really wish i had stood my ground and said no images and then if he kept asking set a firm boundary.

i didn’t think it was awful but now even like a month later i still feel weird about it. it kind of put me off grindr and now every time i think of our first conversation which was quite nice i just feel soured. i feel disappointed in myself and ashamed and disgusted and kind of violated in a way. i still feel weird and uncomfortable about it. i haven’t talked to anyone about it, but it maybe has been affecting how i feel when i masturbate like i feel less like irl sexual scenarios could be nice?

i just wish i had stood firm in my boundaries

Hey Maybelle <3

I am really sorry to hear this guy didn’t respect your boundaries. You know, I hear you putting a lot of weight on yourself for wanting to have stood firm in your boundaries. But, I think you *did* stand firm, more than once. It sounds more like he repeatedly ignored the boundaries you set until you agreed to what he wanted. Please don’t blame yourself, because it’s really this guy’s fault for continuing to press something you said you didn’t want to do. Everyone wants to feel wanted and loved and appreciated, and people shouldn’t take advantage of that to get what they want by continuing to ask.

It sounds like this was violating and scary, and it also sounds like it could be impacting you still. When you say it’s making you feel less like real life sexual scenarios could be nice, are you worried about continued boundary ignoring, or something else?

I also want to ask more directly: is there a certain form of support you’d find most helpful right now?