Scarleteen

I'm sure that this isn't the most original question to come over the site (lol), but i have no idea what my sexuality is at all. I've started just calling myself bisexual in my head because that seems simplest, but still not right at all.
So, I (17, female) have always liked guys romantically. I've got that part certain. Like, i remember having crushes on guys when i was younger, and i know there are guys right now I'd be nervous to talk to for that reason. BUT I've never liked guys sexually until more recently (kind of? ill get to that in a sec). Women, i've never really had the same romantic sensations to, or maybe in minor ways. I feel like, romantically as regards women, i'd definitely be able to find myself in a relationship with another woman who liked me back, but it'd really depend on the lady.
Now all the complicated bits, because i don't think i like guys sexually. Physically, i do not want to see a dude in the buff, or if so, the standard i have in my mind is so unattainable as to be absurd. masculine guys completely turn me off, it's this kind of disgust like if i accidentally walked in on my grandpa changing. As in i just want to erase my eyeballs. I feel gross to imagine a guy i actually like in a sexual context, just sort of wrong. But recently I've been struggling with porn (I am Christian, so any amount of porn for me is problematic. Others would probably not consider it excessive, it's about once a week or two i end up falling into it. ) and explicit fiction. I've struggled with it since i was young (12, i think) and found some old bodice-ripper novels, but recently its gotten more frequent, and I think Ive been having some self-esteem problems that keep driving me towards more and more degrading content. ANYWAY, all this to say that my "fantasies" (idk i guess thats what they are) of this kind always involve guys. Not those i know, just usually some anonymous guy ive invented in my head. And they're never attached to any romantic wants i have, its like theyre in a separate area of my brain, and tbh, they feel more like me just not wanting to admit to myself that i have sexual feelings at all. It's like I feel better if I'm imagining that someone else is doing things to me, because then it's not my fault.
Women, though, I have always found attractive. If im in public and an attractive woman walks by, i have to keep myself from paying much attention or checking her out. When I'm reading or watching adult content (gah i dont love writing that, i guess that's the purpose of anonymous boards tho), it's the women I'm getting turned on over. It's been that way ever since I remember having sexual feelings. But it could be that I'm just sexualizing women in general, since that's how society looks at them.
Anyway, I suppose I'm wondering if Ive screwed up my sexuality. Whether or not i've fetishized men or women, and how to tell if i'm bisexual, lesbian, or just straight and kind of weird.
(+, idk if this is relevant, but the people i'm always romantically attracted to are masc women and femme guys)

Hi there, Stormyiam , and welcome to the boards.

You know, while we certainly don't have to have sexual or romantic experience with anyone -- or see people naked -- to have a good sense of what our sexual identity is, it's often really hard to get a pretty good sense of it without any of that, and trying too hard to nail it all down without it is usually a lot of stress and argh without any real benefit.

Too, what fantasy tells us about our realities is not only often limited, it's also often unpredictable.

We can't screw up our sexualities or sexual identities in the ways you're thinking, but we also can't grow up in a vaccuum: we're all influenced by things like heteronormativity and what we see in media, including sexual media, to at least some degree.

Ultimately, the most reliable indicator that a way you're describing your sexual identity is right for you is that it feels right for you. The words we use aren't required for anything, they're only shorthand anyway, and they sometimes will even only tell us so much about what we want, are looking for, enjoy, or who or what are part of our relationships. A word also can't usually do a lot of lifting when it comes to figuring ourselves out, either -- that usually happens in the other directions, where words are what we use to describe something we already know.

I hear you describing a range of kinds of attraction to people of at least two genders. Bisexual absolutely is a word a whole lot of people use to describe that experience, so if that is what's in your head, why not use it for a while and just see how it feels over time, especially once all of these thoughts and feelings are also part of actual interactions, experiences and relationships beyond media or walking by a stranger?