i came out but i feel like i should do more for others

[dubbno]

i came out to my friends at school as a lesbian (its a all girls school, thank the lesbian gods) mostly everyone is muslim which i had no problem with. A few days prior i got into a heated 'debate' with 3 classmates on why being gay isnt a choice and its a right, they just kept saying 'i respect but dont support' then gave examples of support??? Then i figured that these fools are uneducated on HUMAN RIGHTS. My lovely art teacher came to the rescue to figure out why no one was drawing a realistic eye, and everyone was looking to the back row. She was 100% on my side and gave them the courtesy of saying they didnt know what they were talking about. Then i got hit with the 'why do you even care? are you gay?' OMG, like no i wasnt gonna say 'YES I AM, SUCK IT' which i wish i did. So i made the excuse that my sister is gay... after class me and the lovely art teacher had a good chat on how hard it is being gay and that theres little awarness of LGBTQ plus in the school. Which opened my eyes.


A few days i was thinking about this and how scared i was when i was younger to even say the word gay. I decided i wasnt going to let others make me keep my true self hidden. So i came out to my friends as a lesbian and then the first question they asked is 'who made me gay?' OMGG. I mean i understand why others especially muslims might have a hard time based on their up bringings and cultures but still who asks that??? i know 5 other gay people in year 9 not including myself. In year 9 there are 3 lesbians (including me), 2 bisexuals and 1 gay transmasc. Im the only one who isnt closeted.

i havent experienced any personal homophobia yet hence the fact ive only been out for 2 days, but gossip spreads like wild fire in an all girls school. But the amount of homophobia ive heard in my 3 years at the school is more than I've ever heard and witnessed. i stand up to bullying, racism, sexism (yes there is sexism in an all girls school ) and homophobia but i dont advocate it. The lovely art teacher in our chat mentioned how the school is legally forced to have a LGBTQ safe spot but there has been no awareness for that. We don't even have pride assemblys in june. We used to have a pride flag in the hall where we have our assemblys in year 7 but after i heard a bunch of crude comments about it, said flag was removed. Even in class rooms i hear comments. like in english, the text we were reading mentions 'fire the faggots' about 20 times, and then everyone shouts faggot acting like its a free pass. And the text isnt even based on what we are learning. Yes it didn't mean the same thing back then but she should have picked any other text!

I want to have more awareness of other protected characterists like pride but the school mostly focuses on diversity. I feel sick even thinking about how people will react when news spreads of me being openly gay, but i hope that me being confident about it will bring the school to show more awarness and support. But i dont know how to start or even talk to teachers about it, im worried they wont have the same views of me and ill be made a laughing stock for even speaking up. Mostly because the school shares the same cultures and beliefs including the teachers, im scared theyll think im trying to be 'islamaphobic' for speaking up against the blatant homophobia shown by the students, what can i do? im already known as the only open atheist and speak up against religon so will speaking up just add to the fire?

[mikky]

Hi and welcome! Glad you are here!

I think one thing that might aid you in speaking up for LGBTQ+ people, without feeling at odds with other student’s right to practice their religions, is understanding that at the age you are at, a lot of folks are likely just beginning to differentiate their values and beliefs from what they’ve been raised with. Let’s remember that no culture or religion is a monolithic (like, a big group where everyone thinks the exact same). When I was about your age, I really struggled with having different beliefs than the mass majority of my peers, who were almost all Christian. Part of the work I had to do was not lump everyone into one box, and later I realized more how much I thought everyone else was close minded and inflexible- when I was the one being close minded and inflexible!

I think of this especially with your friends reactions to you coming out to them. That is a tough reaction to get, and I am sorry that you weren’t met with more outward support or understanding. It does seem to me that it may have come from a place of miseducation. I wonder if you might bring this up with your friends and let them know that it was hurtful, and that the question was insensitive- and why. I wonder if you think they’d be willing to try to understand?

It sounds like there is a great teacher to talk to about this- your art teacher! You could ask her what other teachers or school administrators might also be good to speak with, if you want to go that route. It sounds like your school has a really nasty culture of homophobia, and speaking with someone who might be able to effect change at a higher level (which would need to be more than just hanging up a flag with no other action) might be helpful. It shouldn’t have to all be on you.

It might also be helpful to chat and check in with these other people in your year who you know are also queer. Having some community and friendships with people who can give you some more understanding might be really nice.

[dubbno]

i check up on the other LGBTQ people and ive come to realise that they are very inflexiable, they hate every bit of religon and straight people. i am no person who supports hate, but i also understand that there may be past trauma to do with religion and straight people. ive tried to understand them but my mind sort of breaks listening to them be so stereotypical to others. i also understand how scary the idea is to come out since it may be unsafe home wise or their own mental health so i try not to push my views onto them. but they have made this sort of group who hate others, and im worried that people will get the wrong idea of what LGBTQ advocates for, this truley saddens me to know the only other people like me are so drawn by hate. But to think of what made them be so hateful towards others baffles my mind.

it feels like im stuck in the middle of endless hate. Teachers hold me to a standard to help others in my year struggling and being a friend to them since they think of me so highly and maturely. so i feel like telling them im struggling with the fear of homophobia and wanting to speak up, kind of makes me feel like they wont take me seriously and theyll brush it off. i guess i just dont want to be seen as weak and struggling, i want to be confident but it feels like im so alone.

[mikky]

Dubbno, I am sorry that right now it feels like there is so much hatred around you. It does seem to me that the generalizations you've heard from your peers: both ones that are homophobic, and ones about straight people, have been very frustrating and upsetting to you. With that in mind, I do think this might be a good moment to check in about what generalizations you might believe, or have made.

I don't want to deny your experience with the other folks you know to be LGBTQ at your school, but let's remember that no one person determines the values of an entire group (like a community of friends at your school), or maybe even massive population of humans. I'm guessing that every single LGBTQ person that you know of in your grade, if you really sat down and spoke with them, probably does not have intense hatred toward straight people and religion. LGBTQ people are also not all unified in what we believe, want, think, or advocate for.

I also want to backtrack a bit. You just came out a few days ago for the first time. It is okay to take some time to think, experience, and absorb this before taking any kind of action or trying to effect change. You asked what kind of people would ask who made you gay, and the answer is- a lot! I've been out for ten years- a tiny window of time in the grand scheme of things- and I've encountered these types of questions from all kinds of people, from all sorts of cultures, backgrounds, ages, faiths, etc. I think it is really important that we acknowledge here that the xenophobia that is being lobbed at Muslim people, in the UK and US to note, is very real and dangerous. Having concern about xenophobia and Islamophobia is not just a random or oversensitive thing, and that is one of the reasons I think trying to unwind generalizations is so important.

Do you have parents or family who are supportive (in general) of you? Might you be able to chat with any of those folks about these fears and stressors at your school?

[dubbno]

i was outted to my family in august but me coming out to my school friends was the first time ive came out on my own terms.

my mum read through my phone and found out i was gay and so did my older siblings, they said that they dont belive in being gay at a young age and my oldest sister just said she baltanty doesnt belive in people being gay. my family is islamic and so have i for almost my entire life, so my views on muslims probaly have shifted. but you're right! I shouldn't judge an entire group of people because of bad past experiences. mostly i just have people who support me at school. like my art teacher.

so ill mostly ill adress my problems with her.

overall thanks for reminding me to remind myself to take account everyone's views and religon. i will address the homophobia with my art teacher to find other support.i will learn to live with the stressors at school, maybe later on ill address them properly but one thing at a time.

[mikky]

Having your privacy violated and being outed as a consequence of that is really terrible, I am so sorry that was your experience and that your mom and siblings were invalidating! I can understand how that experience and others would inform how you are understanding other people, and, why you'd want to find a more supportive community at school. I love that you have your art teacher. One thing at a time sounds like a good idea, and we're here for you