Seeking extremely specific top surgery information

[bluespreadsheet]

I am nonbinary and very uncomfortable being perceived as a woman. I've been trying to think about what I can do to feel more comfortable. I go back and forth on testosterone because I'm not entirely sure if I want all of the effects from it (though I know I can go off it)... It took a lot of contemplation but I do think I'd want to remove my breasts.

Reasoning: I felt for a while that it was just "I am uncomfortable with people perceiving me as a woman" but I had no issue with my body personally, like naked in a mirror, but I realized that's not all true. It's something I need to repress my emotions on much more than my vagina (no one can see that from the outside, unlike having boobs) and also the most miserable I'd feel about my body is the times my grandma would visit and I'd have to wear a swimsuit that has breast cups on it

Weirdly I don't feel gross if I accidentally flash people because I strongly believe people should get over boobs in public and I guess this means my discomfort with my body doesn't extend to it =_=?? like, you already know I have boobs, so this isn't any worse.

If my feelings are at best, "neutral", and it causes me a strong amount of misery, then why keep them?

I also DON'T LIKE NIPPLES. It's so painful whenever my boobs get hit or poked and I would much rather not deal with it. I wish getting hit in the chest did not hurt. Pls.

They're small? But not nothing. I don't wear bras because I have always found them EXTREMELY uncomfortable (sensory issues from autism). I guess like A-cups, I don't know. I know there are different surgeries depending on the size like if they're gonna have to cut down the middle also instead of just below.

It's fine if I keep some tissue but nothing that would dissent a shirt. I want hitting my chest to feel like hitting just the middle of my chest all around, and I'm fine with keeping my nipples but also not. It feels weird to think there are tiny holes on my chest that could potentially have liquid come out of them =_=;; so gross... I also don't like when they harden to cold hair I'd rather they be flat all the time.

Anyways, basically my friends who've had top surgery used to have much larger boobs than me. I want to know very specifically what options for top surgery would look like for me.

[Heather]

Hey there, bluespreadhseet.

Ultimately, when you want to know very specific things about surgical options for yourself, who you need to talk to is a surgeon who does top surgeries. Because we aren't surgeons, and we also can't see your body to tell you some of what you're asking for, we just won't be right for the part of this that's about what kind of surgical options you could have. Surgical consults often don't cost anything, though, or if/when they do tend to be covered by insurance -- especially if you are going to this as gender-affirming care rather than as, say, a cosmetic breast reduction -- so if you're serious about wanting to know your own options, I'd make a consultation appointment with a surgeon. You'll also want to do that just so you can have a sense of what you need to save up to cover costs, and/or what other steps you can take on your way to this, especially if you do want it to be billed and treated as gender-affirming care. All states and areas don't require this, but many do have specific steps you'll need to take first, like therapy focused on gender. Some also require that folks be involved in medical transition, like by using exogenous hormones -- that's perhaps obviously unfortunate and ill-considered when it comes to those of us who aren't binary, or who are, but still don't want to do hormone therapy, but you'll obviously still need to know what's being asked of you with stuff like this, even if you don't want it.

In general, though, these surgeries won't be able to promise you things like the kind of changed sensation you are looking for in a permanent way, because while there can be disruption to nerve endings as a result of these surgeries (and there is also typically a period of numbness or decreased sensation post-surgery during recovery), they can't simply take out all the nerve endings of a body area in a surgery. Nipple removal is an option, but sparing a mistake with surgery, or an unexpected change to the nerves of that area, it's still going to hurt if you have top surgery and get hit in the chest, and how different or the same it will feel than it does now is just not anything anyone could predict or a surgeon could do on purpose, if you get me. It's also worth mentioning that changes from surgery could potentially result in more sensation, or sensations you like even less than how things feel now, which feels like a thing you might want to know and consider.

(I do want to ask that while I appreciate how you feel about your own body and its parts, you try hard when posting here, in this public space, not to call certain body parts of functions gross but instead to try and talk about bodies and their parents in a more neutral way. Our users here often grapple with body image in a lot of different ways, and reading someone calling these things gross can unintentionally make those issues stickier or activated. <3)

Do you want help looking into getting a consult? Or, if anything said here about surgery has made that feel less like something you can or want to do, to talk about other options for managing the feelings you're having around these parts of your body?

[Heather]

Also, this link might be helpful for you (I'm forever irritated by how binary so much of this content always is, so if you share my irritation, apologies, but it's otherwise solid info): https://centreforsurgery.com/nipple-sen ... p-surgery/