Scarleteen

I have been struggling through my first semester of college with untreated ADHD (I have an appointment with my PCP next week and I am trying to find a therapist to work with as well) and I have quickly gone from barely managing my workload (though at a cost) to being completely derailed due to my difficulty/inability (often depends on how much energy I have, which has been dwindling) to regulate my attention.

At the beginning of this month I hyperfixated on a topic I had to write a paper about and spent nearly all day every day of that week "researching" for it (and I did not even exhaust my research) and at the end I did not have a completed paper (let alone one I like and am proud of) to submit. It was a very big hit to my self-esteem and made me feel horrible and I've barely done any class work in the two weeks since.

I have also found that the way that grading criteria and learning goals are designed are suffocatingly formulaic. I was also two years old once and I put square pegs in square holes and round pegs in round holes. I do not feel like the way I am being taught, at least in one of my classes, has really evolved beyond that. It is like those algebra problems where you work backwards from a known solution. The outcome never changes, that is decided for me, I just get to work to find what my variable is. And what makes this so difficult for me is that the actual content of this class is the most interesting to me (sociology---though it is an intro class so it is cursory by nature which I find frustrating).

I am DYING to go beyond the criteria and produce work which I find fulfilling and meaningful, but I don't have the time and energy and the method of pedagogy isn't even meant to support that in the first place.

I know that our education system is designed to produce people who are, for the most part, workers, to equip people with the knowledge and skills necessary for a productive (or, better: obedient), rather than a conscious or critical, life. But, I feel that, if some entity states that the purpose of a class or assignment is to build cultural humility or to engage in advocacy, then I have the right and duty to expose it for its limitations.

My mother keeps telling me that I am either to acquiesce to what is being asked of me or I am just going to burn out even more. And she is correct. But I don't know how to get myself to do that without figuratively killing the part of myself that cares (and I don't know how I'd get myself to do anything afterwards). No one who I have tried to talk to about this really seems to get it. I want to study. I want to be here. I want to get my bachelor's degree. I want to go to graduate school. I could not wait for the summer to end so that I could start my first semester full-time studying things I care about. But it feels like I have just been given the middle finger and the entire system is evil and contrary to my values and needs. I knew this going in, but I don't see any other option for myself. All I want to do is go to school and be better equipped to empower people and transform the world together.

I feel very alone struggling with this, but I know that cannot be the case.

Hi ratherslowseal,
I'm really glad you have an appointment with your PCP to get your health managed. But, in the meantime...

Have you talked to your professors about your concerns? That's why they have office hours. Professors want their students to be engaged and challenged, and they're usually delighted to answer questions about their pedagogy. For example, if you find the learning outcomes and assessment standards to be formulaic, ask your professor about them. They may have reasons for the course design that you're not aware of, and they're likely to be open to working with you to achieve the course's learning outcomes in ways that feel fulfilling to you. (It's also worth mentioning that if you tell a professor you got "lost in the sauce" while researching, they may recommend a career in academia Obsessively researching stuff is kind of their jam, and you might be surprised how many neurodivergent scholars are out there.)

Have you investigated your school's student support services? All colleges and universities have counseling centers and tutoring. Most counseling centers will offer a certain number of individual counseling sessions to students for FREE as well as group therapy and workshops you can attend. Your university probably also has a writing center. If so, I'd recommend making an appointment. They can help you with a wide variety of writing-related challenges, including developing focus and time management.

If you want to help people and change the world, you're in good company! Find the faculty and students who are already doing that work on campus. There are sure to be clubs, courses, guest lectures, and other events. You might be able to find them via the school's web site or social media, but the best place to look is often department bulletin boards. (Not incidentally, these kinds of clubs and events are also great ways to make friends with shared interests.)

The transition to college is not an easy one, but the faculty and staff there WANT to help you. That's what they're there for. I'd also get curious about whether your vehemence about the institution and the classwork. Do you think some of it might be redirecting negative emotions coming from struggling to adjust? Higher education is imperfect, to be sure, but if you're looking for somewhere to learn and connect with other folks who want to make the world better, you're probably in the right place.

I have talked to some of my professors about my struggles, but not during office hours. I have been unsure about how I am supposed to navigate that. But I keep hearing that (even though my brain tells me that this is my own problem and "what would/could they do about it?" etc.... not very helpful) and I think it could be useful to set aside time to talk with one of my professors in particular and try and work this out. Hopefully that will be productive.

I have utilized my school's counseling services in the past (like a month ago?) but I didn't find it super helpful aside from getting to talk and let things out for about an hour. I have also met with an academic success coach (and I have a second appointment next week) but in my experience so far most of the tools/strategies they recommend are things I already do or try to do. I did get a spreadsheet from them to track my activities with which helps me see when and where I am spending an exorbitant amount of time on things, but I already take regular breaks and try different note taking methods etc.. I did meet with disability services yesterday and I did get some useful tips. Unfortunately the best thing I can do for my success isn't within the realm of possible accommodations (reduced course load) so I have to accept being a "three-quarters" student if I decide that's what I need. Thankfully according to the financial aid office it shouldn't make much of a difference with my aid.

Unfortunately there aren't a lot of workshops or group sessions that go on here (I go to a community college). We have a writing center that I should try and check out again. I did go there once when I was writing my paper that I didn't finish but I didn't find it very helpful... probably a user error for asking the wrong questions. But now in retrospect it is easier to assess what it is I needed assistance with.

I am involved in groups on campus. I helped start a left/left-leaning student group here (when I wasn't a student yet... teehee) and we have less than a handful of members this semester so doing things is very difficult, but we have another event planned late next month which I'll be speaking at with others on settler-colonialism and evaluating political strategies to challenge it (which I really need to work on, since I have reading to do and a presentation to make). I'm also taking an introductory social work course where we've been learning about local homelessness, poverty, and food insecurity. There are some forum events that the college puts on, but I haven't had any time to attend one of them yet.

I was reading about justice sensitivity (and how it often manifests in people with ADHD or who are Autistic) last night, and it does resonate with me (especially in relation to emotional regulation or a lack thereof), and it certainly colors my experience, but I do not believe it primarily originates in such sensitivity. I have a very difficult time with major (and minor) transitions (I had a horrible time and did almost nothing for six months after moving to a different house last year), but this experience (dissatisfaction and friction with education) is not new to me and was present during high school as well, just different in form. For instance, in 12th grade English, I was very critical of my teacher's directive to apply a concept from psychology to Lord of the Flies, because, in my opinion, that would be inappropriately validating a necessarily political and philosophical claim about human nature with the guise of science (I wanted to use Althusser instead).

Hi there, ratherslowseal.

I want to share my experience and what I did to get through college, because I have the kind of ADHD that makes it reallly hard to read long texts or focus on the things I need to focus on, not to mention the executive dysfunction adding a barrier of difficulty. I didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until my junior year of college and had been struggling a lot. I went to my school's accommodations office (they might have different names at different universities/community colleges) and presented my diagnosis paperwork and they offered me several different accommodation options to choose from. I took them all, haha.

First thing I had was the permission to use a software (if I remember correctly it was an app?) that let me record lessons/lectures, so I could then at home listen back again as needed. Secondly, I could opt in to get a note taker for lectures as needed - this was usually another student who was volunteering their labor as a note taker. This allowed me to focus on the lecture because trying to listen AND take notes doesn't work for my brain. Last and definitely most helpful, I was allowed to ask for extensions on due dates as needed. I studied humanities so instead of exams I had a lot of papers to write, and when I spent too long researching like you did, for example, I could ask for a 2-day extension.

I did have two professors who gave me a bit of pushback or resistance around these accommodations, but I simply reported that and still took them, since legally it was my right to them. All my other professors in those last few semesters were chill about them and most were even helpful and offered extra support. I did go to all their office hours to discuss this with them, so I second Straif's suggestion.

I share this to give you some ideas of possible accommodations that you could ask for. Even without the official process of them, some professors will work with you directly to make it easier for you. I truly understand how frustrating it is to want to study something and get a degree but have these obstacles that at times feel impossible to get through. You are not alone in this, though, and your professors and the college's administration are there to help you graduate. ADHD is a disability when it comes to college and it's okay to acknowledge that and treat it as such. The more we feel shame about it, the more we resist support and the harder it is. <3

I did recently get an accommodation letter (like... two days ago). Currently the only thing on there is that I have early access to assignments and materials. In many cases I probably would not need an accommodation letter for this, but I wanted to make sure it was something I am entitled to, so I know when and where I have projects/papers for the entire semester. I asked for extended time for timed written exams, but that may not happen. I do not want extensions or any kind of note taking accommodations because I believe I would find them to be unhelpful at best (I am very committed to mastering note taking and actively engaging with material). Instead I am going to be reducing my credits to be a "three-quarter" time student, which thankfully I can do without disproportionately reducing my financial aid.

What really worries me is: what if I can't get myself to care again? I've done almost no work for the past two weeks and feel as apathetic as ever about the work that was all I cared about for a solid month. I do not feel any pull of external motivation, no feeling is provoked by seeing my grades slip from a 4.0 or that something is missing. Even though it felt like the end two weeks ago when it started. It feels like there's no payoff for my curiosity. No recognition. No room or time or energy for it. I feel like I am a little candle with no wick left that turned into a puddle of wax and then got a bucket of water poured over it. For a month I didn't care, there is intrinsic value in chasing challenges for myself and following my interest within and outside of the material. I feel like a different person.