Sexuality and Experience

[iusedtobe]

I identify as a lesbian to most people (for ease of communication) I am really queer which is the term I use when that wouldn't require a paragraph of discourse. I am primarily emotionally, romantically, and sexually attracted to women. However, I have an opportunity to engage in sexual contact with my male best friend. I have no issue with this, actually I desire to do it. I am not in anyway romantically attracted to him, but I find him physically attractive and we are incredibly close. We have an open dialogue about consent, and our concerns about sex with each other but I have questions I need to post to a detached third party.

I've never been involved with a man, what if this changes my own perception on my sexuality?
Should I wait until after to unpack its impact on my orientation if it has any?
Does this mean I've been lying to all the people I've come out to?

Thanks for your advice!

[Sam W]

Hi Iusedtobe,

First off, I don't think you will have been lying to the people you've come out to if you choose to do this. When you came out, you were defining your identity by all the information you had up to that point (e.g you primarily like women). Even if your feelings were to change, that doesn't invalidate the identity you've had up to this point. After all, when you come out to someone, you're not signing a contract stating that you henceforth promise to identify that way forever and ever.

Ultimately, you get to decide what (if any) effect having sex with your friend will have on how you view your identity. I think your idea of maybe unpacking the possible outcomes and how you would feel about is a sound one. I do want to add that, from where I'm standing, choosing to sleep with him would not really contradict the identity you've stated, since you say you're queer and are primarily (not exclusively) into women. Are your concerns about your identity related to how you'd feel, or about having to explain it to other people should they find out (or both/neither/something else)?