Forbidden and hurt

[Juliet14]

I have this best friend who I've know for 2 years but haven't got to really know until this past year. We've grown really close me and him and I developed strong feelings for him. I can now admit I love him. Well about 2 months ago I told him that I developed feelings stronger than a friendship and he expressed to me that he felt the same way. But he has a girlfriend(who he's been dating for 2years) so he said he wants to stay with her and said we can just be friends. Well we took a break from even being friends for about 2months and that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Because he has been the only one I've been able to trust in a very very long time. Well after those two months he told me he missed me and that he feels unhappy with out me and no one understands him like I do. Basically everything I was feeling towards him. Well we started flirting and stuff through text. And in person we just acted like best friends because of his girlfriend. Well we hangout one day and he kissed me and so one thing led to another and he took my virginity. Now he's nrver cheated on anyone ever before so he was feeling rather guilty and told me a few days later that we can't do this again. So I said ok. And our life's went on. But a day or two later he told me that I'm all he ever thinks about and we need to see each other again. So we did and we had sex again. And when we have sex it's out of love and not for the pleasure. I know this because we literally told each other that. So he was feeling guilty again and he told me about three days ago we need to stay just friends. And I don't know what to do because I love him and he loves me and he's told me that he feels obligated to be with his girlfriend because he's afraid of her. What do I do?

[Sam W]

Hi Juliet,

This is one of those situations where, as much as it might suck, it's time to consider getting this guy out of your life. If for no other reason that, while you want a relationship with him, he either says he is unable to give you that (and if he really wanted to, he could leave his girlfriend). But he seems more than willing to have sex with you multiple times, which essentially keeps you hoping for that deeper connection that he's said he can't provide. That's mixed signals at best, and deliberately manipulative at worst.

So, it's time for you to decide what you want and are comfortable with. Are you comfortable essentially being the person your friend cheats on their girlfriend with, but won't leave that partner for? Or do you want a relationship with someone who wants to be with you an actively takes steps to do so? Because I promise you, that second type of person is out there.

I think it might also be good to draw up boundaries with said friend about your interactions, and then figure out ways to make sure those boundaries stay firm. Like, maybe a boundary is you don't hang out in private, if you both want to not have sex again (and if he pushes the boundaries, that's a sign that he's not a good dude)

[Juliet14]

Thank you Sam W. I think that this is just something I'm gonna have to do no matter how much it hurts. I just wish it didn't.

[Sam W]

Hi Juliet,

You're welcome. And you're right that this is likely going to hurt, at least for a little while, but it can help to think about it as a kind of hurt that will eventually lead to growth and opportunities (for new and more respectful partners) for you. If you want help coming up with how to approach the conversation, we're happy to do that. And, I'll leave this piece here on some self-care you can do if/when it starts to hurt:
Self-Care a La Carte