Scarleteen

The closest friend that I’ve made in college so far and I basically had clothed sex.

There were two instances: the first time, though I stopped it early, genuinely did not bother me. I do not really consider it relevant, especially since he was very careful to have a clear conversation about it afterwards, but it did make me think he did have some kind of feelings for me, even if we weren’t going to be doing that (which I don’t think either of us want to, but he was never very clear). I have been confused about my feelings for him because I had previously thought I was lesbian; retrospectively, compared to my very limited experience, I don’t think I actually had romantic feelings for him. But I thought I did and I wanted to, and if nothing else he WAS far more than a friend to me, even if it wasn’t in a romantic way. I wouldn’t have trusted him so much with my body (like even in just cuddling) if he wasn’t.
The second time: he wouldn’t stop touching me until I agreed, even after I told him to stop because I was tired. I wasn’t in the mood for it nor comfortable, but I convinced myself I would like it if I started it since last time it wasn’t bad. I didn’t get in the mood and I didn’t enjoy like any of what he did to me. But I was mostly an active participant, and it was my assumption that it’d get me off, and it’s not like he didn’t stop when I made him stop early again—which makes me feel like it’s my fault, especially for letting it continue on after I started feeling so uncomfortable. We barely had any conversation about this, mainly because I didn’t know what was wrong / like what was freaking me out and because he had a very emotionally-distressing phone call the day after and spent that entire next week avoiding processing anything about it.

But he started dating a girl we know a week and a half after that second night, and he hasn’t understood why I’ve been upset by this (and honestly I’m not sure if I completely knew why). But since then, in our limited conversations about it all (limited because I think I keep trying to forgive him too easily) and me like finally getting the vocabulary I need, I have learned that:
1) he WAS already emotionally distressed before that phone call, even though when I had repeatedly prompted him on it he dismissed it entirely and insisted he didn’t care, and sees that night solely as a terrible mistake he made in trying to avoid his feelings
2) he has NEVER romantically or sexually pursued me in our entire relationship, and only saw those two nights as mistakes. Our relationship has been nothing but platonic to him, which he has never said before even when I had been trying to explain my confused feelings for him. And, according to him, he’s had feelings for that girl for a while now (which would be during what happened between us).
3) I’ve realized how scared I am of him physically. I don’t think he recognizes the power dynamic in him being so much taller and stronger than me, and I’ve avoided mentioning it after I realized it bcs I thought there were more relevant things

But had I known 1 and 2 before that night, I would not have consented to it at all. I would not have wanted it in the slightest, not if our feelings weren’t mutual and not if I knew he was basically using me to avoid processing his feelings. I feel used and disregarded and violated,, but like I feel like I’m making it up because these feelings have only gotten worse the further away I am from that night, which feels backwards to me idk.
Theres a specific image in my head of that night, of him like above me like grinding down and I can’t get it out of my head. I hate it so much. I feel so uncomfortable in my body and especially the last few times I was around him; I haven’t felt this like dysphoric about my body since I was like 13 and starting puberty, and I hate it bcs I’ve spent years getting over that. I want to puke. I want to go to a new college and start over, is what I want to do. I hate how badly I miss my friendship with him, we’ve genuinely gotten so close, but I’m starting to think that unfortunately the best decision for myself is to not be friends with him at all anymore. And it sucks so badly

((Sorry if not all of that was relevant to the question; the whole situation is very messy))

Hey figeater_beetle,

I'm so sorry that your "friend" treated you like this. If I may be so forward, I do not think this person deserves to be called your friend. I also think your question is completely moot because it doesn't sound like you consented to the second hookup at all.

The second time: he wouldn’t stop touching me until I agreed, even after I told him to stop because I was tired. I wasn’t in the mood for it nor comfortable, but I convinced myself I would like it if I started it since last time it wasn’t bad.

You told him to stop and he didn't. He kept pressuring you and touching you and bothering you until you gave in. That isn't consent. That was him wearing you down until he got the response he wanted. It makes total sense to me that you've gotten more and more upset about it because with some distance and clarity you've probably realized that the situation was wrong. Trust your gut about this.

He is also gaslighting you and lying to you. To say that your relationship has always been completely platonic when he has initiated TWO sexual hookups is a crazy thing to say. While maybe he wasn't looking for a romantic relationship he seems to have no problem pursuing you sexually. Those two nights being "mistakes" to him doesn't make his claim of your relationship being platonic true. Your relationship stopped being platonic when it became sexual. Now, if he wanted it to go back to just being platonic that's fine but he should be able to communicate that in a way that isn't gaslighting and hurtful.

No matter what you want to call it his behavior is completely gross. I completely understand why you feel used, disregarded, and violated. I would too! He initiated a sexual hookup with you, used you for "distraction", violated your boundaries, gaslit you about the whole thing, refused to talk about it, and then moved onto another girl that he allegedly had feelings for the whole time and was just waiting to get together with. That's gross! Gross, immature, and hurtful.

I'm so sorry that he treated you like this. It sounds like you gave him lots of chances to talk about what happened and do some repairs and he didn't. I definitely don't think this person deserves to be your friend.

Do you have access to counselors or therapists on your college campus? This definitely sounds like something that would be worth processing in therapy. What happened to you absolutely qualifies as sexual assault. You were pressured into engaging in sexual activity with someone even after you said no. Your boundaries were violated. It is understandable that you feel so upset and you deserve to process and heal from that.